My Chicago/Iowa Story Part 2

July 27, 2006

After the Chicago DB, this body was in a lot of pain, so was anxious to rest up. A quick nap in our hotel room, then we snatched up our dear friend Madon (Runganath) and we all went back to my Mom's house in Crystal Lake for some much needed rest. After a nap, Mom and I made dinner. She was so happy to finally have a chance to serve her daughter in this way, with the son-in-law and close friend in tow.

Everyone at the programs had commented about how much better she looked since November. Still, she was having a lot of fears about her health. She was diagnosed a few months ago with liver cirrhosis, all those years of heavy drinking. She hated the idea that after finding Amma and hope, that maybe her body would give out before she had a chance to really enjoy it.

We feasted together, slept well and then hit the road for Iowa. We arrived just in time to find some good floor space (thank God, because I cant do the folding chair thing anymore). A devotee approached me and asked if I could help with a special seva. "Sure, as long as it doesn't require and heavy lifting," I said, secretly hoping it didn't require any standing up, either. It turned out to be the seva of holding the door for Amma! There were four of us holding the entrance doors to the building open for Amma, and she breezed in, beaming 1000 watt smiles at us, her eyebrows lifting, touching our hands. I melted. To me it felt like the greatest seva ever. Holding the door for Amma, it was so chivalrous (even though I'm a girl).

All morning I agonized over whether or not I should ask Amma if I could sing for Her. In Chicago, Swami Purnamritananda had given Anaghan and I a private satsang. I expressed to him my feelings about singing for Amma, and asked him if I should just try to let go of the desire. He suprised me by saying absolutely not, we should never let go of the desires to serve the Guru. It's like having the desire to chant LS, but then thinking maybe we should just let go of the desire and not chant it! He said that the pain was good, and gave this beautiful analogy, that I will try to repeat verbatim:

"This life is a dream. It is very difficult to wake up from a pleasant dream. No one will want to leave that dream. But it is easy to wake up from a bad dream, a nightmare. We will want very much to wake up from a bad dream. The guru's duty is to make this a bad dream for us so that we will want to wake up very badly. So what you are experiencing, take it as a sign that the guru is trying to wake you up."

That morning, a very sweet woman suprised Anaghan and I by asking us if we would like to be interviewed for Amrita TV! We said yes, and went into a little room. Guess who was conducting the interviews? Our favorite swami, Purnamritanandaji. We love him so much. I wish there were a 108 names of Swami Purnamritananda. Maybe I will write them.

We told our stories about Amma, how we met her, and some of the many wonderful things that happened. Then he asked me to sing! I sang a few lines from "Sun Le Pukar," my favorite bhajan. He gave me some prasad and said to be sure to ask Amma if I could sing for her.

When we went up for darshan that night, Anaghan and I each had a question in our hands. Mine was, "Amma, can I sing for you tonight or tomorrow?" His was, "Amma, can I go to Washington DC?" I was very upset, thinking that she was going to say, "No way! Get over it!" But she laughed and said something to Gita, who said to us, "She says yes to both."

So I went to the sound people, who said to come back in the morning and talk to the woman who was organizing the music. Anaghan began making travel arrangements.

The next morning I waited for the woman to give me a signal either way. What followed was such an unbelievable leela that my hands would fall off if I tried to write the whole of it here. Back and forth, up and down, many tears, anger, betrayal, hope, despair, you name it, every possible complication arose in those few short hours. The sound people, Dayamrita, Big Swami, everybody had a hand in it, everyone was a puppett in this Divine nightmare that Amma had constructed for me. Finally, my dear, sweet husband, taking a cue from his daughter, just went up to Amma and asked her directly. I was crouching behind him, a puddle of tears. Darshan was almost over, there were only ten or so people left. Amma took one look at me and jerked her thumb towards the stage. "Get up there. NOW." That was the message in those eyes.

So everyone raced to get me a harmonium, a tabla player, a mike. I was overflowing with tears, choked up. What I really wanted to do was just hide in a corner and cry. None of my strong, proud, clear voice came forth. I started singing a krishna song that I had written. My voice was a perfect manifestation of my bhava, meek, humbled, longing, tearful. I couldn't see Amma, as there were so many crowded around her. It was surreal, not the grand puja I had planned it to be, with full band and full bravado. One song, humbled, wounded by her sword, my heart was in full pranam.

As soon as I finished, Amma got up from her seat and left the hall. People told me later that she held off the end of darshan for me to sing my song.

I have to return to the final act in this drama later because it's very baffling to even recall what happened.

love,

Prajna

"Children, all of spirituality is contained in that one word: Awareness." - Amma