Begging your mercy

[Guest guest]

Dear Devotees,

 

Hare Krishna. Please accept my humble obeisances. All glories to Srila

Prabhupada.

 

Last summer my devotional life went out of control. It is a miracle

that I ever made contact with Hare Krishna devotees, because I am so

attached to material nature. Although I have always been unable to

genuinely understand devotional service, what to speak of properly

engage it, I somehow became bold enough to judge devotee activities

according to my mundane conceptions of morality and ethics.

Consequently I began to see faults in many devotees, even those whom I

had never met. If you are reading this, it's likely that I found fault

in you.

 

As you might guess, my spiritual life became a bewilderment. First the

knowledge that I had gained from Srila Prabhupada's books felt like a

cage on my mind. It was intolerable, and I had to get this cage off.

Before I began studying Bhagavad-gita As It Is, I was a student of

brahmavadi advaita teachings, and so sought help in these again. It

worked, in a way. The rules and regulations of devotional service fell

away, and I was free to do what I wanted. I contemplated brahman

according to my convenience, and re-integrated with mundane society. By

this time, ISKCON seemed like a weird cult. I could remember the fun I

had in kirtan, etc., but it lost its meaning.

 

So I went on contemplating brahman, but I got to a point when I realized

that there was something missing. I could feel that brahman has

unlimited potential, but at the same time I could only see finite

manifestations. As one who is attached to sense objects, and who has

been so attached for a very, very long time, I know that this world of

the finite is virtually endless suffering. So I wondered, "What of

infinite forms?" They must be real if spirit exists at all. At that

point I knew that the advaita brahman conception was incomplete, and

that those proclaiming it as the ultimate must be wrong. Somehow I

found myself following this logic to the point of realizing that if

brahman is real, then the Personality of Godhead must be the ultimate.

Brahman can only be complete with eternal spiritual pastimes. I could

not make any conclusions about causation, but somehow I managed to get a

clue that Krishna must be the basis for the infinite potential of

brahman. I started wondering about Krishna.

 

I don't know Krishna very well, but one thing I know is that Krishna is

controlled by His devotees. I know that Krishna must be supremely

happy, but I think I know how I can make Him a little happier. I want

to become one of His devotees. Independently I offended Him, and then I

offended Him again by offending each of you. So now I am begging you to

forgive me and to ask Krishna to please accept me. I know that I am not

fit to be among Krishna's devotees, even less to be one myself, but with

your blessings I hope that Krishna will be pleased with me. Hare Krsna.

 

Sincerely,

Pandu das