To Steve about The Eternal Ideal of Perfection -OmPrem

[Guest guest]

Steve wrote:

 

....the innate sense of conflict falls away, or settles, or in some way

dies back -- is this an achievement? the devotee didn't do any Thing.

there is no hookup to what she did/didn't do, and her current

happiness. she can't say anything but words of gratitude like "God or

my Guru caused this."...

Dear Steve ~ this really struck a chord with me. No matter what I have done,

the sense that

I had with me all of my life that I was part of a Flow, of Source, of the

Divinity of All, and that it was all around me, in me, moving through me, and

connecting me to Everything. Then it was gone. Why? I couldn't figure it out. I

was desparately sad. I scratched and crawled.

I meditated and did japa and recited puja, and that helped me feel better,

but my sense of being part of the All was just still gone. I felt God had

abandoned me.

 

Then recently, in a very unlikely place in my house, I felt it again. It was

like being enveloped in Golden Love and Light. I felt at Home again; I felt

more peace than I have felt in many, many years. I felt rediculously happy.

And, as you say, all I could say was, "Thank you, thank you, God, thank you.

 

I then realized that it had never ever gone away, but that I had, over the

course of a fifteen year period gradually shut my heart down more and more. If

the door is closed, the Light can't enter. But I didn't know I had done this

to myself until, in the protection of the Love, I felt Its return. I did it

because of a series of perceived betrayals by very close people, including my

family and my husband, and because of the final betrayal of my own body into

increasingly ill health. Because of the emotional pain, I closed myself off.

 

I'm not sure why the door opened again. It wasn't anything I did or didn't

do consciously. But somehow Love found a crack in the door, and suddenly the

door was just open wide again.

The next day I carried forward the sense of connection and optimism, and

then my body bit me back again, and I had a difficult day and night. But I said,

okay, I can understand now why I did what I did. But I will NEVER do it

again. My body may have the illnesses, but the illnesses no longer have me. Now I

can comprehend even more fully what Swamiji means by saying to behave like a

great renunciate. This felt lost to me, or unatainable, no matter how hard I

tried. I know the path I've chosen for this lifetime is not easy, and the

illnesses will make it continue to become more difficult. But never again will I

shut my heart down to avoid the pain or the loss. In fact, I am feeling

that, in some odd way I could never have predicted,

I have gained Something of great value. Jai Maa , Jai Swamiji ~ Liinda

[Guest guest]

yes! that is wonderful to hear! the sadhana you have been doing is

paying off. the grace appears when the focus on 'me' decreases. all

the time we are more and more aware of our thoughts until they start

to fall away. then such happiness. i am so very happy to hear all

this! sometimes we have no idea of the positive spiritual fruit of

pain and burdens we must carry today. om, a celebration in the heart.

many many blessing to you linda, a great renunciate. love, s.

 

, nierika wrote:

>

> Steve wrote:

>

> ...the innate sense of conflict falls away, or settles, or in some way

> dies back -- is this an achievement? the devotee didn't do any Thing.

> there is no hookup to what she did/didn't do, and her current

> happiness. she can't say anything but words of gratitude like "God or

> my Guru caused this."...

> Dear Steve ~ this really struck a chord with me. No matter what I

have done,

> the sense that

> I had with me all of my life that I was part of a Flow, of Source,

of the

> Divinity of All, and that it was all around me, in me, moving

through me, and

> connecting me to Everything. Then it was gone. Why? I couldn't

figure it out. I

> was desparately sad. I scratched and crawled.

> I meditated and did japa and recited puja, and that helped me feel

better,

> but my sense of being part of the All was just still gone. I felt

God had

> abandoned me.

>

> Then recently, in a very unlikely place in my house, I felt it

again. It was

> like being enveloped in Golden Love and Light. I felt at Home again;

I felt

> more peace than I have felt in many, many years. I felt rediculously

happy.

> And, as you say, all I could say was, "Thank you, thank you, God,

thank you.

>

> I then realized that it had never ever gone away, but that I had,

over the

> course of a fifteen year period gradually shut my heart down more

and more. If

> the door is closed, the Light can't enter. But I didn't know I had

done this

> to myself until, in the protection of the Love, I felt Its return. I

did it

> because of a series of perceived betrayals by very close people,

including my

> family and my husband, and because of the final betrayal of my own

body into

> increasingly ill health. Because of the emotional pain, I closed

myself off.

>

> I'm not sure why the door opened again. It wasn't anything I did or

didn't

> do consciously. But somehow Love found a crack in the door, and

suddenly the

> door was just open wide again.

> The next day I carried forward the sense of connection and optimism,

and

> then my body bit me back again, and I had a difficult day and night.

But I said,

> okay, I can understand now why I did what I did. But I will NEVER do it

> again. My body may have the illnesses, but the illnesses no longer

have me. Now I

> can comprehend even more fully what Swamiji means by saying to

behave like a

> great renunciate. This felt lost to me, or unatainable, no matter

how hard I

> tried. I know the path I've chosen for this lifetime is not easy,

and the

> illnesses will make it continue to become more difficult. But never

again will I

> shut my heart down to avoid the pain or the loss. In fact, I am

feeling

> that, in some odd way I could never have predicted,

> I have gained Something of great value. Jai Maa , Jai Swamiji ~ Liinda

>

[Guest guest]

This was wonderful. Thank you so much for sharing it. This is just

great! It's just what I needed today, and the rest of my life.

Thank you so much for being so open with your experience. It will

help me a lot. Can't wait to share it. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK

YOU .... Debi, nierika wrote:

>

> Steve wrote:

>

> ...the innate sense of conflict falls away, or settles, or in

some way

> dies back -- is this an achievement? the devotee didn't do any

Thing.

> there is no hookup to what she did/didn't do, and her current

> happiness. she can't say anything but words of gratitude

like "God or

> my Guru caused this."...

> Dear Steve ~ this really struck a chord with me. No matter what I

have done,

> the sense that

> I had with me all of my life that I was part of a Flow, of Source,

of the

> Divinity of All, and that it was all around me, in me, moving

through me, and

> connecting me to Everything. Then it was gone. Why? I couldn't

figure it out. I

> was desparately sad. I scratched and crawled.

> I meditated and did japa and recited puja, and that helped me

feel better,

> but my sense of being part of the All was just still gone. I felt

God had

> abandoned me.

>

> Then recently, in a very unlikely place in my house, I felt it

again. It was

> like being enveloped in Golden Love and Light. I felt at Home

again; I felt

> more peace than I have felt in many, many years. I felt

rediculously happy.

> And, as you say, all I could say was, "Thank you, thank you, God,

thank you.

>

> I then realized that it had never ever gone away, but that I had,

over the

> course of a fifteen year period gradually shut my heart down more

and more. If

> the door is closed, the Light can't enter. But I didn't know I had

done this

> to myself until, in the protection of the Love, I felt Its return.

I did it

> because of a series of perceived betrayals by very close people,

including my

> family and my husband, and because of the final betrayal of my own

body into

> increasingly ill health. Because of the emotional pain, I closed

myself off.

>

> I'm not sure why the door opened again. It wasn't anything I did

or didn't

> do consciously. But somehow Love found a crack in the door, and

suddenly the

> door was just open wide again.

> The next day I carried forward the sense of connection and

optimism, and

> then my body bit me back again, and I had a difficult day and

night. But I said,

> okay, I can understand now why I did what I did. But I will NEVER

do it

> again. My body may have the illnesses, but the illnesses no

longer have me. Now I

> can comprehend even more fully what Swamiji means by saying to

behave like a

> great renunciate. This felt lost to me, or unatainable, no matter

how hard I

> tried. I know the path I've chosen for this lifetime is not easy,

and the

> illnesses will make it continue to become more difficult. But

never again will I

> shut my heart down to avoid the pain or the loss. In fact, I am

feeling

> that, in some odd way I could never have predicted,

> I have gained Something of great value. Jai Maa , Jai Swamiji ~

Liinda

>

[Guest guest]

Steve wrote:

 

i am so very happy to hear all

this! sometimes we have no idea of the positive spiritual fruit of

pain and burdens we must carry today. om, a celebration in the heart.

many many blessing to you linda, a great renunciate. love, s.

 

 

 

 

Dear Steve and all ~ well, you can see how far behind I am, once again, with

the digest. My experience of the Connection was tested sorely the very next

day when all my symptoms spiked to an unconsciounable high. (ARGH) What I got

from having that happen, as I looked at how feeling so much pain, nausea,

etc. caused my "I" to feel was an even better understanding of why I had shut

down. I thought, okay, I really get it now. Who wants to feel this bad? Perhaps

it was only natural to go through that shutting down. I also made a sankalpa

that, no matter what my body does, no matter how sick I feel, I will NEVER

do that to myself again ~ pull the plug on my connection to Source Energy.

Perhaps that is part of the lesson of an earthly experience such as this. Other

lessons seem to be how to remain as independent as I can and not to berate

myself when I do need help, and letting go.

 

I have had to let go of so much ... my health, my voice (which simply won't

come back), my mother (who died on July 6), and now possibly, my partner.

We've both tried. But being yelled and screamed at, being hit, being ignored ...

I thought I had left these all behind when I left my childhood home. But

until we really let go, and part of that, I believe is forgiveness, it isn't

ever really over. I also know that I will never have the partner I strongly

desire ~ someone who is dedicated to spiritual growth; someone who will work with

me on this, or, if our paths are different, at least share the process. This

seems more key to me than it has ever felt before. Letting go is hard

because my current partner helps me with tasks I have difficulty doing myself, like

a big grocery shop. I also have this broken record playing in my head that

says, "no one will want to be with someone as sick as you are, so you better

stick with what you have." In this case, as I have learned over and over

throughout my life, letting go will only happen when I completely accept my

partner exactly as he is.

 

I am a child of Divine Mother and Father. On the inside, if not in the body,

I dance and twirl and sing and fly among the stars. Not sure I am a great

renunciate yet, but as one of the characters in the movie, David Copperfield

(old, old version starring Freddy Bartholomew), "Barkus is Willing." Jai Maa ,

Jai Swamiji ~ Linda