Serving Krsna as husband and wife

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"Serving Krsna as a Husband or a Wife"

 

-What Makes It Rough, What Makes It Smooth-

 

Visakha Devi Dasi

 

 

I am not a brahmana, I am not a ksatriya, I am not a vaisya or a sudra. Nor

am I a brahmacari, a householder, a vanaprastha or a sannyasi. I identify

Myself only as the servant of the servant of the servant of the lotus feet

of Lord Sri Krsna, the maintainer of the gopis. (Sri Caitanya-caritamrta,

Madhya-lila, 13.80)

Although each of us must carefully follow the particular principles of the

role we are playing in society - whether as a wife or husband, a brahmacari

or sannyasi - our true identity is that we are the eternal servants of the

servants of the devotees of Lord Sri Krsna. By playing our present-day role

in the proper consciousness, we can realise our original identity - who we

actually are - and rejoin Krsna in His home. Krsna says, 'By worship of the

Lord, who is the source of all beings and who is all-pervading, one can

attain perfection through performing one's own work'. (Bhagavad-gita 18.46)

To be a husband or a wife is, in Srila Prabhupada's words, 'actually a duty

performed in mutual cooperation as directed in the authoritative scriptures

for spiritual advancement. Therefore marriage is essential in order to avoid

the life of cats and dogs, who are not meant for spiritual enlightenment'.

(Srimad-Bhagavatam 3.14.19) We accept the role of husband or wife so that we

can gradually become the best devotee we are capable of being. The first and

overriding principle in the husband-wife relationship is the unrelenting

desire of both individuals to make their marriage work through Krsna

consciousness. If that desire is in place, then there are scores of books

and discussions, counsellors, scriptural directions and the Lord in the

heart to help. For now, based on Srila Prabhupada's teachings, let us

briefly look at six items that can hamper one's service as a husband or a

wife. Then we will look at six items that can enhance that service.

What makes it rough

 

 

(1) Weakness of character

Srila Prabhupada writes: 'When a young boy or girl sees a member of the

opposite sex there is a natural attraction without the need for any

introduction. Without any training there is a natural attraction due to the

sex impulse'. (Nectar of Devotion, p. 81) Prior to marriage, this natural

attraction for the company of the opposite sex may lead to flirting, dating,

and dallying in coyness and sexual innuendos. Such casual premarital

relationships deny young men and women the fortitude that celibacy in mind,

word and deed creates; deny the magnificence of carefree sailing over choppy

waves of unnecessary indulgences; and deny a sense of completion to one's

formative years.

By such indulgence, material tendencies expand, one's neediness expands, and

one hankers and laments. Young persons, who avoid the gifts that come from

voluntary self-dis-cipline, may later find themselves handicapped

householders, that is, householders who have difficulty controlling their

senses, who are dissatisfied and frustrated. Because they have not taken the

time to find the quiet confidence of emotional fulfilment and happiness

within themselves, they crave those things from their partner. But

fulfilment and happiness are not to be found there. Srila Prabhupada

explains:

Unfortunately, in this present civilisation both men and women are allowed

to be attracted to one another from the very beginning of life, and because

of this they are completely unable to come to the platform of

self-realisation. They do not know that without self-realisation they suffer

the greatest loss in the human form of life ... The span of youth expires

very quickly. One who wastes his life simply by committing sinful activities

in youth immediately becomes disappointed and disillusioned when the brief

period of youth is over. (Srimad-Bhagavatam 4.27.4-5)

Our goal is to re-establish our relationship with God, and we cannot expect

to do that by defying His social standards. Moreover, when one is thinking

of a qualified companion for a qualified young devotee, one is attracted to

a person with inspired devotion, a kind heart and spiritual wisdom. In

short, a good devotee, not one who is needy, intemperate and who defies

Srila Prabhupada's directives. If we would be married, we must make

ourselves marriageable by becoming disciplined human beings.

We find this description in Srimad-Bhagavatam (4.21.4): 'As the King entered

the gate of the city ... he was received by many beautiful unmarried girls

whose bodies were bedecked with various ornaments'. In his purport, Srila

Prabhupada explains, 'A welcome offered by unmarried girls who are

internally and externally clean and are dressed in nice garments and

ornaments is auspicious. Kumari, or unmarried girls untouched by the hand of

any member of the opposite sex, are auspicious members of society'. The

kumaris and the brahmacaris (described elsewhere in the Bhagavatam)

separately learn to serve God, to worship Him, to become absorbed in

enriching, spiritual arts and to explore their unique gifts. By developing

their inner and outer lives with same-sex peers, these young people discover

their personal mettle, thrive in that discovery, and have a strong sense of

self-worth. Their noble and godlike character is not a thing of favour or

chance but is the natural result of continued effort, self-control and good

association, and their presence is always auspi-cious. Those who would

achieve much must also sacrifice much. When young people with a solid

personal foundation in self-discipline later enter household life, they also

make it auspicious. 'Before entering household life, a student is fully

trained to become jitendriya, a conqueror of the senses. Such a mature

student is allowed to become a householder.' (Srimad-Bhagavatam 5.1.18) By

Krsna's grace, the future husband and the future wife find fullness and

beauty first within themselves and then in each other.

After several decades, when the challenging journey of householder life

finally ends, the singular strength one found in youth and maintained in

midlife can fortify one at life's closure. Srila Prabhupada writes:

.... at the end of life, when one has to go back home, back to Godhead,

everyone has to take care of himself without help rendered by another ...

Draupadi had five husbands, and no one asked Draupadi to come; Draupadi had

to take care of herself without waiting for her great husbands. And because

she was already trained, she at once took to concentration upon the lotus

feet of Lord Vasudeva, Krsna, the Personality of Godhead. (Srimad-Bhagavatam

1.15.50)

The ultimate goal of life is the spiritual growth of the individual; it is

our personal journey to the lotus feet of the Lord. Successful training and

a successful marriage nurture this most significant journey. In fact,

training and marriage exist for nurturing that journey. 'If husband and wife

are attached to one another for advancement in Krsna consciousness, their

relationship of cooperation is very effective for such advancement'.

(Srimad-Bhagavatam 6.18.34)

 

 

(2) Incompatibility

Worse than being alone is to be with a person who doesn't like you. Too many

devotees have experienced the anguish and chaos caused by an incompatible

marriage. Such travesties are systematically avoided in Vaisnava culture

because, besides undergoing training and learning restraint before marriage,

all care is taken in matchmaking: 'Formerly, boys and girls of similar

dispositions were married; the similar natures of the boy and girl were

united in order to make them happy'. (Srimad-Bhagavatam 3.21.15) 'The

central idea is that if the boy and girl were on an equal level the marriage

would be happy, whereas inequality would lead to unhappiness'.

(Srimad-Bhagavatam 9.18.23) 'Marriage and friendship are proper between two

people who are equal in terms of their wealth, birth, influence, physical

appearance and capacity for good progeny, but never between a superior and

an inferior'. (Srimad-Bhagavatam 10.60.15) We want our life's companion to

be a true peer.

Besides conscientiously matching a suitable young man with a suitable young

woman, compatibility also includes the husband having like-minded male

friends and the wife having like-minded female friends. All our dialogue

need not fall on just one pair of ears, but in confidence, we reveal our

mind to and have dedicated and loving ties with handpicked friends. If at

some point our marriage is rocky, qualified friends can help us learn from

the difficulties and acquire skills to improve our relationship. Marriage is

a process of changing and accepting change, of settling differences and

living with differences that will never be settled, of drawing close and

pulling apart and drawing close again. Good friends smooth the bumps on this

long journey.

Compatibility also includes living with our spouse's faults. Anyone can live

with another's good qualities, but can you live with that person's

weaknesses? After the initial period of guarded good behaviour, the

character flaws we brought with us to the marriage begin to surface, and we

face the pain of dealing with both our own and our spouse's shortcomings and

the conflicts those create. No two people are completely compatible, and not

all incompatibilities in marriage can be worked out. Sometimes inevitable

differences can be laughed at, sometimes coped with, sometimes negotiated,

sometimes accepted, and sometimes they are complementary. Sometimes waiting

and praying is the answer. It is rewarding when, after thousands of these

tribulations have come and gone, you know and honour your spouse despite the

differences between you. By focusing on closeness, differences become

manageable; by focusing on differences, closeness disappears.

The more one advances in consciousness, the less affected one is by

another's failings; conversely, the more neophyte we are, the more those

failings will irritate us. Not everyone can be like Mandodari, the chaste

wife of Ravana, who was fully aware of her husband's lowly nature and

activities and yet remained loyal till the end: 'Ravana's wife Mandodari

knew very well how cruel a person Ravana was. The very word Ravana means

one who causes crying for others ... Thus Ravana was condemned not only by

Lord Ramacandra but even by his own wife, Mandodari, who said to the slain

body of her husband, By your deeds you have made your body fit to be eaten

by vultures and your soul fit to go to hell. ' (Srimad-Bhagavatam 9.10.26-8)

 

(3) An inability to hear

Our prayer is not, 'Dear God, help him (her) see it my way', but, 'Please

God, show us the way'. Even with spiritual progress as a common goal, even

with inner strength and compat-ibility, a marriage will still be painfully

difficult if the couple cannot empathetically hear from each other. If we

only listen enough to protect our own territory, we lose common ground. If

we only hear what we want to hear, we will remain inflexible and unaware of

the other's needs. But when we don't impose ourself on the other or allow

the other to impose himself or herself on us, hearing is an opportunity for

lifetime learning, for responding to healthy needs and for reconciling

divergent opinions. A rewarding marriage creates an atmosphere that

encourages each person to talk honestly. Emotions need not be repressed;

they can be expressed, but expressed considerately, so the other can hear.

True hearing, total concentration on the other, is to value the other and

extend oneself for mutual growth. An essential part of this process is to

temporarily set aside our prejudices, frames of reference and desires so as

to experience our spouse's world from the inside, stepping into his or her

shoes. Sensing this acceptance, the speaker feels inclined to open up more

to the listener, and the listener appreciates the speaker more and more.

Unfortunately, most couples do not truly hear each other.

The art of knowing what to say and when to say it and the craft of give and

take are part of hearing, as illustrated in this pastime from the Sixth

Canto of the Bhagavatam, explained in Srila Prabhupada's purports: 'Mother

Parvati could not appreciate Citraketu's position, and therefore she cursed

him, but when she understood the instructions of Lord Siva [her husband] she

was ashamed ... and covered her face with the skirt of her sari, admitting

that she was wrong in cursing Citraketu'. (Srimad-Bhagavatam 6.17.35, 36)

However, earlier in this wonderfully intricate narrative, we learned:

The difficulty was that Citraketu, having become a great devotee of Lord

Visnu, Sankarsana, was somewhat proud at having achieved Lord Sankarsana's

favour and therefore thought that he could now criticise anyone, even Lord

Siva. This kind of pride in a devotee is never tolerated ... Mother Parvati

was justified in punishing Citraketu, for Citraketu impudently criticised

the supreme father, Mahadeva ... Acting through the heart of Parvati, the

Lord, who is situated in everyone's heart, cursed Citraketu in order to end

all his material reactions. (Srimad-Bhagavatam 6.17.10, 15, 17)

Given this explanation, was there a need for Parvati to hide her face in

shame? Yes, for by doing this, instead of an argument to establish who was

'right' and who was 'wrong', we find Parvati acknowledging her husband's

greatness, his joking exchange with Citraketu and Citraketu's amazing

devotional qualities. Yet, at the same time, her curse remains in tact for

the reasons Srila Prabhupada mentions above. The exchange is a beautiful

interplay of maturity, humility, knowledge and detachment - a tapestry of

harmony despite differences.

The inability to hear and the inability to speak in such a way that we can

be heard creates a husband and wife who 'constantly make material endeavours

to eliminate their unhap-piness and unlimitedly increase their pleasure but

who inevitably achieve exactly the opposite result'. (Srimad-Bhagavatam

11.3.18)

 

 

(4) Self-righteousness

At the time of initiation we solemnly vow to avoid intoxication, illicit

sex, meat eating and gambling and to chant sixteen rounds of the maha-mantra

daily. To preserve these holy vows that we take before the Deity, before the

fire and before the Vaisnavas are the most important practices in our

spiritual life. Caring for one another means protecting these principles in

each other's lives by our example and by our words.

Yet, if the husband or the wife is not following these principles, we do not

have the right to reject that person because we feel superior. The day may

come when the roles are reversed, for pride leads to a loss of austerity.

Without being condescending and self-righteous, the one who is strict can

humbly help the lax one, and the lax one must be willing to accept that

help. This is teamwork, an exchange of affection in which one person's

misfortune of distraction becomes turned around by the other person's gift

of focus.

If we have too high an estimation of ourselves, we will make our asrama into

a war zone. This war may not be over fundamentals, like the regulative

principles, but over more minor infractions - wasting time, wasting money,

inappropriate behaviour, harsh language, and so forth. Whatever the cause of

upset, the discussion and the mood can still be good-natured and hopeful

instead of angry and accusative. Contempt is a corrosive that over time

breaks down the bond between husband and wife. In the exchange between

Parvati and Siva quoted above, instead of contempt and pride, we find

light-heartedness and submission. Since both of them are honourable, it is

natural for them to honour each other.

For one who cares about another, confronting that person is not easy; the

act has a great potential for arrogance, for to confront is to assume a

position of moral superiority over the other - we confront because we want

to change the course of that person's life. The reality is that at times,

one does know better about a certain matter than the other, and one is

obliged to confront the other with the problem. To do this effectively, we

must stringently examine the value of our 'wisdom' and our motives behind

offering it. (Peck, 1978) This self-scrutiny and self-doubting requires the

unusual combination of meekness and strength. To fail to confront when

confrontation is required is as detrimental as self-righteous con-demnation.

When circumstances require it, a partner must sparingly and carefully

confront the other, and in turn, submit to being confronted by the other.

 

 

(5) Quitting (in a non-abusive relationship)

In marriage, commitment is a journey by two people who have oneness in

purpose. When we unearth the taproot of commitment, we come to our

commitment to the Supreme Lord Krsna, from whom the quality of commitment

originally emanates, in whom it eternally reposes, and who Himself is the

perfection of commitment. Sri Krsna says: 'To those who are constantly

devoted to serving Me with love, I give the understanding by which they can

come to Me. To show them special mercy, I, dwelling in their hearts, destroy

with the shining lamp of knowledge the darkness born of ignorance'.

(Bhagavad-gita 10.10-11) The Lord is unwaveringly committed to selflessly

serving those who serve Him selflessly.

Marriage is difficult; once that fact is accepted, it no longer matters.

Sometimes, because of false ego, there may be tremendous conflict and

disagreement between husband and wife, but if, in this darkness, their

mutual commitment to their relationship prevails, that commitment can carry

their relationship beyond its troubles to greater intimacy. When quitting is

not an option and is not justified, the alternative - sooner or later - is

overcoming the difficulty. Difficulties are inevitable, but overcoming them

- not quitting - is optional and requires our discipline, courage and

wisdom. Our reward is to again resonate, to grow in kindness, in trust and

in trustworthiness. Problems and conflict are not an opportunity to quit but

to move forward, to become unstuck. As Krsna is mystical, so non-negotiable

commitment to His service is also mystical because, by His grace, we can

deal with a problem when we take respon-sibility for it. When the Lord sends

us a test, He simultaneously gives us the ability to pass that test if we so

desire. 'The Lord is so kind to His devotee that when severely testing him

the Lord gives him the necessary strength to be tolerant and to continue to

remain a glorious devotee'. (Srimad-Bhagavatam 8.22.29-30)

In his last speech to the members of the Gaudiya Matha, delivered on 23

December 1936, Srila Bhaktisiddhanta Sarasvati Thakura spoke on remaining

committed despite obsta-cles:

Living in this world one has to face many kinds of difficulties. It is not

our job to try and remove those difficulties. Nor should they depress us ...

We have no attachment or hostility towards anyone in this world. All

arrangements of this world are temporary. Everyone has an indispensable need

for the Absolute Truth. May all of you with one goal and in harmony with

each other, attain the right to serve the original asraya-vigraha [Krsna].

We become a husband or a wife as a service to Krsna. Difficulties are not a

reason to stop that service or to become discouraged. They are an

opportunity, however painful, to serve with fewer conditions. In the end,

that self-sacrifice becomes self-enhancement because, for a devotee,

sacrifice is an offering to please the Lord. Sacrifice is the surrender of

something desirable for the sake of something having a higher claim. We

surrender quitting so that we can please Srila Prabhupada.

 

 

(6) Selfishness

If we focus on our own needs and negate our partner, the relationship can't

last, and if we give up who we are to please our partner, we may suffocate

and become frustrated, resentful and depressed. One who is self-controlled

doesn't need to lord over another, and neither does that person need to be

lorded over by another. Marriage is a balance between satisfying ourself and

satisfying our partner. It is maintaining an awareness of the other person

and that person's desires, even as the other maintains an awareness of us

and our wishes. It is putting ourself out, when necessary, to satisfy the

other person's feelings and needs. Marriage is sincerely and respectfully

discerning what is best for everyone.

For example, 'the first duty of a chaste woman is to carry out the order of

her husband'. (Sri Caitanya-caritamrta, Antya-lila, 7.106) Yet, in Ramayana

we find that when Rama ordered His wife, Sita, to remain in the kingdom

until His return from banishment, Sita, renowned as one of five supremely

chaste women, insisted that she accompany Rama. Rama's reasoning was that He

had been banished, not Sita, and that forest life would be difficult and

dangerous for her. But Sita felt that her place was to be with Rama instead

of alone in Ayodhya. Had Sita automatically subordinated herself to Rama's

will, she would not have been true to herself. Similarly, had Rama insisted

that Sita remain behind - for many sound reasons - He would have dishonoured

Sita's desire. Sita gave up a comfortable life so that she could fulfil her

need to be with Rama, and Rama gave up His vision of a safe life for Sita so

that He could please her by allowing her to come with Him. Reason and logic

have been delicately tempered by needs and feelings. Both must be taken into

consideration for a couple's well-being, so neither feels ignored or

suppressed.

Another beautiful interplay of selflessness is when the the wife of Sudama

suggested that her poverty-stricken husband see his friend, Lord Krsna, in

Dvaraka. Prabhupada writes, 'The wife was not anxious for her personal

comfort, but she felt concerned for her husband, who was such a pious

brahmana'. (Krsna, The Supreme Personality of Godhead, Ch. 80) Sudama agreed

to go to Dvaraka not because he wanted to ask Krsna for help but because he

wanted to see the Lord and to satisfy his wife, who was so eager to satisfy

him.

Selfishness is closely related to the inability to hear, as our

preoccupation with ourself makes us deaf to another's voice. To overcome

this, we can learn to consider all matters thoughtfully, with due respect to

our spouse's point of view. This honest approach, which avoids manipulation

and partiality to one's own insights, facilitates finding a better

conclu-sion than one person alone could have attained. It is unlikely that

the best possible decision will be made if one person imposes his or her

will on the other. After all, our will, our deep conviction of what is

undoubtedly 'right' and Krsna conscious, may actually be the zeal

experienced by neophyte devotees, who, in the words of Krsnadasa Kaviraja

Gosvami, are 'very expert in arguing though they have no sense of advanced

devotional service'. (Sri Caitanya-caritamrta, Madhya-lila, 2.93) In other

words, without our being aware of it, our dearly held opinion may cloak

selfishness.

When differences are humbly honoured and balanced, the husband and wife find

the room they need for spiritual growth, both individually and as a

satisfied couple. A mutual spirit of goodwill shifts their focus from

themselves to the other. Each wants the best for the other and each feels

the other is an ally.

What makes it smoother

 

 

(1) Enthusiasm

'Without enthusiasm', Srila Prabhupada writes, 'one cannot be successful.

Even in the material world, one has to be very enthusiastic in his

particular field of activity in order to become successful'. (Nectar of

Instruction, p. 30) When Sukanya, a young princess, was wed to Cyavana Muni,

an irritable old sadhu, she set her mind not on the apparently unfortunate

match but on making a conscientious effort to do her best. She did not try

to change her spouse but fully played her role, surrendered her pride and,

by perseverance, succeeded in making a marriage that worked. A devotee's

enthusiasm crystallises into industriousness, which solidifies into

circumstances of Krsna conscious pleasantness and advancement.

In his introduction to Bhagavad-gita As It Is, Srila Prabhupada explains

that our inherent nature is to serve. In this world everyone is rendering

service to someone, just as, for example, the wife serves the husband and

the husband serves the wife. Both the wife and the husband can be

enthusiastic in this service because, as Srila Prabhupada states elsewhere,

'Krsna is pleased when a Vaisnava is rendered service'. (Sri

Caitanya-caritamrta, Madhya-lila, 5.24) If our spouse is a devotee and we

are sincerely serving that person, we will benefit spiritually. 'Anyone who

wishes to advance in Krsna consciousness must try to serve the devotees of

Krsna'. (Sri Caitanya-caritamrta, Antya-lila, 13.113)

Marriage is like a fortress created by the husband and wife to protect

themselves from the powerful enemies of the uncontrolled senses and

peacefully make spiritual advance-ment. 'The bodily senses are considered

plunderers of the fort of the body. The wife is supposed to be the commander

of the fort, and therefore whenever there is an attack on the body by the

senses, it is the wife who protects the body from being smashed'.

(Srimad-Bhagavatam 3.14.20)

'There is no difference between a good wife and good intelligence. One who

possesses good intelligence can deliberate properly and save himself from

many dangerous conditions'. (Srimad-Bhagavatam 4.26.16) 'One who is situated

in household life and who systematically conquers his mind and five sense

organs is like a king in his fortress who conquers his powerful enemies'.

(Srimad-Bhagavatam 5.1.18) As in any battle, if they would be victorious,

the fighters must first be enthusiastic.

 

 

(2) Gratitude

The health of the marriage depends on the health of the individuals in it,

and it is gratitude that keeps those individuals healthy and free from

dullness and complacency. As a household dedicated to spiritual cultivation,

the grhastha-asrama is founded on the spouses respecting, honouring and

appreciating each other as Krsna's devotees. The husband thinks, 'My wife is

the sacred and holy property of her spiritual master and of Krsna. She is

not mine. If I do not honour her, if I do not respect her, if I do not

protect her and provide for her, then I am a vaisnava-aparadhi. I am

offending a Vaisnava, and it will seriously impede my spiritual progress'.

Similarly, a wife sees her husband as the sacred and holy property of guru

and Krsna. She treats him as a Vaisnava and is faithful and assists and

serves him in his role as her husband. Each appreciates the sacrifice of the

other, the generosity of the other, the loving intent of the other, and each

grows in gratitude, overlooking the other's flaws. A sane person wants

nothing less than this in marriage and will make the success of such a

relationship a top priority.

An example of marital appreciation from Krsna, The Supreme Personality of

Godhead: when the cowherd boyfriends of Krsna were refused alms by the

brahmanas who were performing sacrifices, Krsna sent them to the wives of

those brahmanas, who ecstatically provided varieties of wonderful foods for

Krsna, Balarama and Their friends. Later, the brahmanas understood their

foolishness in refusing the boys and appreciated the spiritual advancement

of their wives. They said, 'Just see how fortunate these women are who have

so devotedly dedicated their lives to the Supreme Personality of Godhead,

Krsna ... They have surpassed all of us in firm faith and devotion unto

Krsna'. (Krsna, The Supreme Personality of Godhead, Ch. 23)

In another place Srila Prabhupada writes:

Everyone should be friendly for the service of the Lord. Everyone should

praise another's service to the Lord and not be proud of his own service.

This is the way of Vaisnava thinking, Vaikuntha thinking ... Everyone should

be allowed to render service to the Lord to the best of his ability, and

everyone should appreciate the service of others. Such are the activities of

Vaikuntha. Since everyone is a servant, everyone is on the same platform and

is allowed to serve the Lord according to his ability. (Srimad-Bhagavatam

7.5.12)

Sincere gratitude is an antidote for self-righteousness.

 

 

(3) Affection

Lord Krsna told Rukmini, 'My dear beautiful wife, you know that because we

are householders we are always busy in many household affairs and long for a

time when we can enjoy some joking words between us. That is our ultimate

gain in household life'. Srila Prabhupada comments, 'Actually, householders

work very hard day and night, but all fatigue of the day's labour is

minimised as soon as they meet, husband and wife together, and enjoy life in

many ways. Lord Krsna wanted to exhibit Himself as being like an ordinary

householder who delights himself by exchanging joking words with his wife'.

(Krsna, The Supreme Personality of Godhead, Ch. 60) Similarly, it is

described, 'Lord Siva was sitting in an assembly of great saintly persons

and embracing Parvati on his lap with his arm ... For Parvati to be embraced

by Lord Siva was natural in a relationship between husband and wife; this

was nothing extraordinary'. (Srimad-Bhagavatam 6.17.5). Also,

We always speak of the goddess of fortune as being placed on the chest of

Narayana. In other words, the wife must remain embraced by her husband. Thus

she becomes beloved and well protected ... Just as intelligence is always

within the heart, so a beloved chaste wife should always have her place on

the chest of a good husband. This is the proper relationship between husband

and wife. A wife is therefore called ardhangani, or half of the body. One

cannot remain with only one leg, one hand or only one side of the body. He

must have two sides. (Srimad-Bhagavatam 4.26.17)

A prerequisite for affection is acceptance, and from acceptance grows a rich

understanding and deep trust between the husband and wife. In marriages that

have endured for some time, the partners are comfortably and effortlessly

together, whether in dialogue or in silence. They can always be themselves,

with nothing to prove, nothing to get, no need to impress. They feel

mutually secure, cared for, wanted and valued. The strength of their

affection allows them to enjoy each other's company - foibles and all.

Affection shifts frustration, anger and blame to friendliness, understanding

and kindness.

 

 

(4) Contentment

Everyone's goal is to enter into and and remain in the elusive condition

called 'happiness'. To be happy we must be peaceful. In Krsna's words, 'How

can there be happiness without peace?'(Bhagavad-gita 2.66) To be peaceful we

must be content with whatever situation we are in. We accept our lot in life

and are happy even if we don't completely settle our marital discord. 'One

should be satisfied with whatever he achieves by his previous destiny, for

discontent can never bring happiness'. (Srimad-Bhagavatam 8.19.24) There is

no element of chance in the circumstances of our life - they are the result

of a law that cannot err, and they are our destiny created by our past

activities. It is as futile to rail against our pains and misfortunes as it

is to toil to increase our pleasures. 'Without endeavour, one can get the

amount of happiness and distress for which he is destined. And one cannot

change this. Therefore, it is better to use one's time for advancement in

the spiritual life of Krsna consciousness'. (Srimad-Bhagavatam 7.7.42)

(5) A long-term vision

When King Yayati was cursed to immediately become old, he was also

benedicted that he could exchange his old age with another's youth. Yayati

approached his son, Yadu, for this exchange, but Yadu refused, not out of

defiance or a desire for sense gratification but because Yadu had a

long-term Krsna conscious vision: he wanted to use his youth to attain the

renounced order in the future. Srila Prabhupada explains:

Maharaja Yadu was very eager to engage himself in the Lord's service, but

there was an impediment: during youth the material desire to enjoy the

material senses is certainly present, and unless one fully satisfies these

lusty desires in youth, there is a chance of one's being disturbed in

rendering service to the Lord. We have actually seen that many sannyasis who

accept sannyasa prematurely, not having satisfied their material desires,

fall down because they are disturbed. Therefore the general process is to go

through grhastha life and vanaprastha life and finally come to sannyasa and

devote oneself completely to the service of the Lord. Maharaja Yadu was

ready to accept his father's order and exchange youth for old age because he

was confident that the youth taken by his father would be returned. But

because this exchange would delay his complete engagement in devotional

service, he did not want to accept his father's old age, for he was eager to

achieve freedom from disturbances. (Srimad-Bhagavatam 9.18.40)

The husband and wife play their roles expertly so that eventually they will

expertly distinguish reality from illusion, become fully self-realised and

attain love of God. 'If a man is in good consciousness, he consults with his

religious wife, and as a result of this consultation, with intelligence, one

advances in his ability to estimate the value of life. In other words, if

one is fortunate enough to have a good, conscientious wife, he can decide by

mutual consultation that human life is meant for advancing in Krsna

consciousness'. (Srimad-Bhagavatam 4.27.6)

 

 

(6) Krsna consciousness

Our home is Krsna's property, and when we orient all the affairs of our home

around its proprietor, Krsna - around service to the Deities - then all our

household activities are devotional service. If we're Krsna conscious, if

we're actually grhasthas, then everything we do is spiritual. 'According to

Bhaktivinoda Thakura, a husband and wife can turn the home into a place as

good as Vaikuntha, even while in this material world. Being absorbed in

Krsna consciousness, even in this world husband and wife can live in

Vaikuntha simply by installing the Deity of the Lord within the home and

serving the Deity according to the directions of the sastras'.

(Srimad-Bhagavatam 4.23.29) When we worship the Deity, when we offer all our

food, when we share prasadam with our family, when we regularly invite

devotees to come and when we serve them prasadam, have kirtana and discuss

Krsna topics, our home is a sacred place.

To the degree that we see our asrama as a means to serve and please Krsna,

it will be a facility for advancing in Krsna consciousness. To the degree

that we desire material satis-faction, household life will distract us from

Krsna consciousness. 'Generally a person cannot make much advancement in

spiritual consciousness if he is married. He becomes attached to his family

and is prone to sense gratification. Thus his spiritual advancement is very

slow or almost nil'. (Sri Caitanya-caritamrta, Antya-lila, 13.112) Whether

our marriage helps or hinders is a question of consciousness; in other

words, it is up to us.

A Krsna conscious marriage is meant to bring us into greater alignment with

our spiritual nature. Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu advised the householder Kurma,

'Remain at home and chant the holy name of Krsna always. Instruct everyone

to follow the orders of Lord Sri Krsna as they are given in the

Bhagavad-gita and Srimad-Bhagavatam ... If you follow this instruction, your

materialistic life at home will not obstruct your spiritual advancement.

Indeed, if you follow these regulative principles, we will again meet here,

or, rather, you will never lose My company'. Srila Prabhupada comments:

Many people come and inquire whether they have to give up family life to

join the Society, but that is not our mission. One can remain comfortably in

his residence. We simply request everyone to chant the maha-mantra: Hare

Krsna, Hare Krsna, Krsna Krsna, Hare Hare/ Hare Rama, Hare Rama, Rama Rama,

Hare Hare. If one is a little literate and can read Bhagavad-gita As It Is

and Srimad-Bhagavatam that is so much the better. If a devotee follows the

instructions of Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu, he lives in the company of the

Lord. Wherever he lives, he converts that place into Vrndavana and

Navadvipa. This means that materialism cannot touch him. This is the secret

of success for one advancing in Krsna consciousness. (Sri

Caitanya-caritamrta, Madhya-lila, 7.128-9)

Similarly, when a grhastha resident of Kulina-grama asked Lord Caitanya, 'My

Lord, kindly tell me what my duty is and how I should execute it'. The Lord

replied, 'You should engage yourself in the service of the servants of Krsna

and always chant the holy name of Krsna. If you do these two things, you

will very soon attain shelter at Krsna's lotus feet. (Sri

Caitanya-caritamrta, Madhya-lila, 16.69-70)

 

 

Conclusion

'In a restaurant or place for drinking cold water, many travellers are

brought together, and after drinking water they continue to their respective

destinations. Similarly, living entities join together in a family, and

later, as a result of their own actions, they are led apart to their

destinations'. (Srimad-Bhagavatam 7.2.21) Srila Prabhupada remarks, 'In the

material world a so-called family is a combination of several persons in one

home to fulfil the terms of their imprisonment. As criminal prisoners

scatter as soon as their terms are over and they are released, all of us who

have temporarily assembled as family members will continue to our respective

destinations'.

By Srila Prabhupada's grace, may Lord Sri Krsna's philosophy be our solace,

our guide, and a source of enduring strength, patience and determination. As

much as we take Srila Prabhupada's words into our hearts and realise them,

that much will our present and future circumstances improve, for it is our

consciousness that determines the states of being we shall attain.

Each of us is inconceivably fortunate because Krsna, our best friend, is on

our side; He wants us with Him. That we are not with Him is due only to our

causeless unwillingness. May our service to the Lord as a husband or a wife

eradicate that causeless unwillingness.