To Supriti about Healing from abuse

[Guest guest]

Dear Supriti ~ I too am a survivor of an abusive childhood, and only

recently had the courage to get out of a 6 year long abusive relationship. I am very

familiar with the terror ... and when a person has been abused, the fear can

attach itself to any number of things. One thing I wonder about is what

religion your family practiced and how this may have affected you. When I was a

pre-teen, my mother converted to Catholicism and took the whole family with

her. We didn't have a choice. This was an especially vulnerable time in my life,

and the negative aspects of the religion served only to reinforce the

"messages" I was getting from the way I was treated by my parents. Only these

messages were direct and verbal, and scared me to death. I was taught that I was

inherently evil, and doubly so for being female. I became what they call

"scrupulous," which is not looked on as a good thing. Now it would be called

obsessive compulsive disorder. Because of my fear of not getting everything just

right, I would sometimes cross myself 15 times before I felt I had got it

right. I once fainted in church. And I was sure there was no hope for me and

that I would burn in hell, no matter what I did.

 

Fortunately, the strong side of me noticed that this was very bad for me and

gave me the courage to tell my mother I was going to stop going to church.

She immediately said, "Well, then I'm not going either," making me, in a sense,

within that belief system responsible for her immortal soul. I didn't buy

it, and I never went back, though it took quite a few years to get all the

negative bats out of my belfry.

 

When I discovered Eastern Spirituality, initially via a book entitled The

Wisdom of the East (or something like that, because it included Hinduism as

well as Taoism and others). But the excerpts were from actual scriptures. I read

that I was basically good, Divine, and that, due to confusion, circumstance

(maya) I forgot. I learned that we are all One, which I had always felt all

my life. That one thought/idea: you are inherently good and Divine, had a

powerful effect on me. And as I pursued my path, via many a winding trail, other

spirituality belief systems that I studied, like Native American and Wiccan,

echoed this same Truth.

 

My first suggestion comes from Shree Maa. When you wake in the morning, look

at yourself in the mirror and say, "I love you." For people like you and me,

this is hard at first, but you will be surprised that, at some point, you

will look in the mirror, say the words, and believe them.

 

I still judge myself harshly. I know this isn't good for me. So I try to

remember to be gentle with myself, and I try to catch the thought before it

becomes a feeling. If you can get into the gap between the thought and the

feeling and really "hear" what you are telling yourself, you will be able to begin

to change those thoughts. One of mine is "I'm so stupid." Anything can bring

this up, often accompanied by panic (terror), sorrow and sick feelings in my

body. I

know I'm not stupid. So if I can get in the gap, I can counter the thought

by telling myself I'm actually very smart and have lots of abilities. My guess

is that you are and do too.

 

Do pray for yourself. You are worth it. You are Divine. Even if it feels

scary. You can start by just adding something to what you are already saying in

the morning, which, to me, is a wonderful prayer.

 

So you might say something like: "Amma, let me be your eyes, your ears,

your hands, your voice and your heart today. Bless me in all things I do and

experience today, for my greater good and the greater good of all. Thy will -

not mine- be done" I have found that when I add: "and for the greater good of

all," it is easier for me to pray for myself. And of course, you could also

pray to be released from this fear that is keeping you from doing spiritual

practices that your heart and soul is longing for.

 

Again, if you start with something simple, like the 108 names of Amma, or a

mala of your Amma mantra, when the fear comes up, acknowledge it, let it know

that you respect it because it was part of how you survived, thank it, and

return to the practice. You might have to do this quite a few times the first

time you try. But eventually, your fear will understand that it has played the

role you needed it for, and it will begin to dissipate. If you find the fear

so strong that it is difficult to go back to whatever practice you are

doing, take a few deep breaths and ask Amma to help you release the fear. Then go

back. It is like what is called the "broken record technique," which is a

communication technique a person can used when another person is not hearing

them. Whatever the other person (in this case your fear) says, you just repeat

the same simple sentence that contains the message you want to communicate.

 

So here is how it could work. Supriti is chanting the 108 names of Amma and

is suddenly overcome by fear, which stops her in her tracks. She says to her

fear, "thank you fear for being a feeling that helped protect me. Now I will

return to my practice." (Something simple that you can remember.) You return

to your practice, and again the fear returns. You repeat the same

communication and return to your practice. Eventually you will be able to get through

something without the fear. It is possible that each time you add a new

practice, you will need to go through this process. But don't give up. The Divine

Child within you is longing to sit in front of that beautiful altar and chant

praise to the Divine Mother, read from your prayer book, light a candle, put a

flower on the altar ... The Divine Child within sees this as the most

marvelous kind of "play," and if you think of how Amma looks when She is singing or

praying, though often, She appears to be quite serious, that Divine

Childlike quality is there, and She models it for all of us. Jai Ma ~ Linda P.S.

Sorry for the lengthy response, but I "heard" your longing, and wanted to give

some practical suggestions as well as let you know that we share some things

in common.

 

Supriti wrote:

 

Someone in the healing dialogs said "do spiritual practice you are

comfortable with" - this question to me...I have been suffering in silence because I

judge myself to be too lowly to pray for anyone, let alone myself...result of

childhood abuse probably...here is my question, any insights for this

daughter?

 

Does anyone know why one might be so afraid of spiritual practices. I have

a lovely altar and my prayer book waiting for me to pick it up each morning,

but all I can manage is my morning prayer: "Amma, let me be your eyes, your

ears, your hands, your voice and your heart today, Thy will - not mine- be

done."

 

I want to chant all the names and light the lamp and sit and meditate, but

terror comes up.