Biblical Revelations

[Guest guest]

This is from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked what they learned about the Old and New Testaments.

 

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

 

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

 

3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

 

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

 

5. Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

 

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles

 

7. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

 

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

 

9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

 

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

 

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

 

12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

 

13. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, race of people who lived in Biblical times.

 

14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

 

15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

 

16. When the three wise guys from the East side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

 

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

 

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

 

19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."

 

20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

 

21. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

 

22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

 

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

 

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

 

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony

[bija]

Oh jeez....got a few good laughs there.