[Nectar] Cultivating genuine relationships of service with devoteescentered on Guru and Krsna with ...

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Answers by His Holiness Romapada Swami Maharaja

 

Question:I live in a devotee community and often feel that I don't

know how to associate with others. I love them and try to serve them

but all too often I just don't feel emotionally safe in their

association. I don't feel free to be open in case they hurt me and

thus I am wasting my life constantly holding back (defending like a

kicked dog). I am desperate for some clarification on this point.

 

I am a very sensitive person, partly because I have ill health. I find

that sometimes devotees deal very roughly with one another, speaking

harshly or just being selfish to one another. Devotees have spoken like

this to me and I have found it so painful that they feel comfortable to

relate to me in this mood. Recently I also responded in an unfavorable

way to one mataji who was being so heavy on me due to a

misunderstanding and I shouted back to defend myself. Later I

approached her and we worked it out and offered obeisances, but I was

left drained and sick for days later. Please tell me Maharaja how can I

learn to tolerate these incidences as a good devotee and how can I

react differently even if I feel attacked, rather than behaving like an

animal?

 

*End of question*

 

Answer: First of all, thank you for expressing yourself in such an

honest manner. Please know that the dynamic which you have described is

not as uncommon as you might think; you are not alone! Others, in other

communities, will like benefit from this exchange.

 

My answer will consist of two parts: first, I will share with you some

essential principles to guide association with devotees; and second,

some thought on cultivating tolerance and forgiveness in responding to

difficult interactions.

 

Cultivating good vaishnava relationships can seem very delicate and at

times challenging, but it is so crucial and rewarding too! This is

because we develop our relationship with Krishna in the company of His

devotees. Krishna is never alone, in a vacuum - He is always surrounded

by His loving devotees and thus to learn to interact and relate

properly with devotees is a very vital aspect of bhakti. Srila Rupa

Goswami has given very practical instructions on how to properly

respect different devotees and develop vaishnava relationships (Nectar

of Instruction Texts 4-6 www.vedabase.net/noi/4/en ) - you may find it

beneficial to read these verses from time to time.

 

As described in NOI Text 5, there are different grades of devotees in

terms of their devotional advancement. It is very important to have a

clear understanding of these different levels of devotees and the

appropriate way to respect and serve each of them according to their

particular status. Sometimes devotees still in the kanistha range of

advancement, who may be very sincere in their devotion and commitment

to Krishna, may as yet not have fully developed the finer qualities of

a vaishnava such as compassion, tolerance, equanimity etc. We may be

disappointed to find them not exhibiting these qualities that we would

expect to see in devotees of Krishna. It is to be understood, however,

that because of their having taken to the cleansing process of

devotion, in due time and with the descending kindness of Krishna, they

will develop all godly qualities. Thus with proper understanding and

with practice, you can learn to overlook minor discrepancies and not be

disturbed by the external defects & temporary influences of the modes

of nature that may sometimes affect practicing devotees; instead you

will learn to look with respect upon the inner core of the devotee -

their spiritual nature and special quality of the soul who from amongst

millions of conditioned souls has come to strive for the shelter of

Krishna's lotus feet - and appreciate them from that spiritual

platform.

 

Lord Caitanya once defined a vaishnava as one who has even just once

uttered the name "Krishna". Rupa Goswami recommends that we should

mentally honor even such a neophyte vaishnava who has taken to chanting

the name of Krishna, and we should offer obeisances and serve in the

company of those who are sincere practitioners of devotional service,

even if there may be some occasional flaw in their behavior. Krishna

also confirms this (BG 9.30-31): Sincere devotional service is very

powerful and it is only a matter of time before any discrepancy in them

will become insignificant and be wiped out.

 

More importantly, while respecting all the vaishnavas in the community,

it is recommended that we should seek the association of advanced

devotees and serve such pure devotees. This is the essential message of

NOI Text 5. Srila Prabhupada writes, "In order to intelligently apply

the six-fold loving reciprocations mentioned in the previous verse, one

must select proper persons with careful discrimination" according to

their particular status. Cultivating our relationship with the

spiritual master and saintly devotees is thus of prime importance. This

does not mean that other devotees are not important and can be

disregarded or overlooked - such a mentality would be very wrong and

lead to offenses; rather we are to serve other devotees *as a service

to the pure devotees*, and in accordance with their teachings.

Furthermore, remember that the purpose for which we are serving

devotees is ultimately to please Krishna. When we keep Guru and Krishna

in the center of all interactions, then regardless how the other

individual responds or reciprocates - whether favorably or unfavorably

- we will not be too much disturbed. Even in adverse circumstances, we

can find strength to continue to serve them selflessly for the pleasure

of Guru and Krishna.

 

When you feel in your heart the loving shelter and protection in this

relationship with Krishna and His transcendental representatives (guru

and sadhu), it will give you the necessary strength to develop all

other qualities such as tolerance, respecting others without expecting

any respect in turn and so on. This cannot be done by rigid

determination or mental adjustments, but when there is deeper shelter,

on that strength you will be able to tolerate misunderstandings or even

minor/apparent injustices. Going even further one can even extend

oneself kindly when someone seemingly mistreats us. One does not feel

impelled to defend, because of the deep conviction that no one can

really harm us except ourselves! By patiently cultivating this deep

confidence and desire to please Krishna, and by maintaining a spiritual

vision in viewing others, you can then begin to look with deep respect

upon the soul within the other devotees, beyond their immediate

external behavior, and search for ways and means to revive those deeper

intrinsic qualities which each soul possesses by your own exemplary

response to them. In turn, your exhibiting these qualities will touch

and transform the heart of the other also, in amazing and unexpected

ways.

 

This will take practice and your own genuine spiritual growth, so

please do not feel discouraged if you are not able to immediately

succeed in applying this effectively in all devotee interactions. There

may be some setbacks or reverting to instinctive (animal-like)

responses, but you can keep this principle in the forefront of your

mind and steadily practice, with your primary attention going to

nurturing your meditation and relationship with Guru and Krishna.

 

A second important principle: Srila Prabhupada taught us that

relationships are based on love and trust. Try to invest time and

conscious loving efforts in some of these relationships; you can begin

with just one or two devotees whom you feel most comfortable with.

Regularly express your deep appreciation for their services and

specific qualities you respect in them. Practice the six principles of

loving exchanges with them, mentioned in NOI Text 4, in a very

heartfelt manner. These six principles are very powerful when performed

with deep faith. Lord Caitanya demonstrated this - in fact a large

portion of Caitanya Caritamrita is dedicated simply to describe how

Lord Caitanya and his associates exchanged prasadam and gifts with deep

affection and devotion. Gradually you will find greater strength in

being able to confide and openly express your heart in these

relationships, derive solace and strength from each other in

difficulties and assist each other in progressive Krishna

consciousness.

 

Once again, this will be most effective when the relationship is

focused by placing Guru and Krishna in the center, i.e. a relationship

that enhances and strengthens each other's faith and appreciation for

your spiritual master(s) and the glories of devotional service. A

wonderful example of friendship centered on spiritual master is found

in the talks between Krishna and Sudama (towards end of Ch 80, Krsna

Book).

 

When you have sufficiently invested in a loving relationship and feel

certain amount of trust, and when opportunity presents itself, in a

light mood, you can even express your difficulties in terms of what

hurts your feelings - directly to the concerned devotee or someone else

who you can repose your trust and think they can help you without being

judgmental of either party. Take care to avoid a confrontational,

complaining or accusatory tone, e.g. "you said /did such-and-such,

and it should not have been so" etc. Rather you can express your own

sensitivity & feelings and seek their understanding and support in the

future. It is also quite possible that, in some circumstances, the

other devotee did not at all intend to hurt you but was in a completely

different frame of mind which you may have somehow misread. This is

quite a common occurrence in interactions between two individuals - it

is beneficial and important, therefore, to practice giving others the

benefit of doubt, and when there is opportunity for open conversation,

make an effort to understand them. By placing yourself before them in

this humble and open mood, you will feel much less vulnerable and most

likely to win the favor of the devotee, for vaishnavas are by nature

very soft-hearted.

 

Part 2: Meanwhile, as you are laying these foundational steps in

cultivating relationships, practice tolerance and, moreover,

forgiveness of those who you feel have transgressed against you. Do so

simply because it is very pleasing to Guru and Krishna - Krishna is

very pleased with those who are forgiving. Besides, by forgiving others

we also benefit ourselves the most by being relieved of the burden of

all the negative feelings burning in the heart. It can even have

considerable uplifting effect in your physical well-being.

 

Consider the example of Srivas Thakur when he was wrongly indicated by

one envious brahmana to be a non-vaishnava - in fact he was

"framed" as a worshiper of Durga; Srivas was so humble that he

proclaimed that the accusation was actually true, but this led him to

win the support and sympathy of all truthful men. Similarly, when

Haridas Thakur was cruelly beaten in 22 marketplaces, he humbly prayed

for the deliverance of his offenders. This tolerance of a devotee is

not artificial or self-condemning or a teeth-gritting type of

forbearance. A devotee happily tolerates the dualities of honor and

insult, pain and pleasure feeling himself to be insignificant, and

deserving much greater punishments and hardships. He sees the

difficulty not as the doing of a particular individual, but as the

causeless mercy of Krishna arranged for his purification.

 

It is important to try to transfer our consciousness from the temporary

to the eternal platform, learning to see it from a higher perspective.

Srila Prabhupada also taught that it is not helpful to be angry at the

instrument of one's own karma. Everything is under Krishna's

supreme control, and Krishna has allowed this devotee to act in this

way, it could not have happened without Krishna's sanction and so

there must be some purification or lesson for me to learn from this;

this particular individual is being merely an instrument - in this mood

we can take such opportunities to look within and improve ourselves.

 

This was the mood of Dharma the bull and Mother Earth in the form of a

cow. When questioned by Pariksit Maharaja they refused to point an

accusing finger at Kali who was beating them severely (SB Canto 1 Ch

17). Similarly, Pariksit Maharaja himself did not protest the totally

unjust curse given by Srngi and so also Maharaja Ambarisha was

undisturbed by the unwarranted anger and curse of Durvasa Muni. Another

powerful example is that of Draupadi forgiving Asvatthama despite his

killing all her sons in sleep (SB 1.7.43) - by meditating upon

pastimes such as this and these great devotees, we can derive

tremendous strength and also get their qualities of humility and

tolerance by their mercy to face any trying situation in life.

 

One final comment: misunderstandings and friction in interactions are

themselves not bad; they are natural in any relationships, and what

makes them good or bad is how we react in such instances. Devotees do

not entertain an impersonal, utopian idea of relationships, or things

in this temporary realm in general, where everything is just smooth and

dandy. As soon as there are individuals and relationships, we can

expect there will also be some differences - even in Vaikuntha, Srila

Prabhupada said! The most important factor is that there be no breach

of proper vaishnava etiquette and respect for each other as servants of

Krishna. Thus when there does arise some misunderstanding in the course

of services, please do not become deeply disturbed or discouraged by

it. Take it as an opportunity given by Krishna to understand each other

better and deepen your relationship - just as you did! As you have

described in your own experience, 'offering obeisances and working it

out' is very appropriate and nice. In such an exchange fully and

heartily forgive the other devotee, leaving no trace of resentment or

the slightest grudge or negative impression to linger in your heart and

once again go forward with positive loving reciprocations - this

actually builds very strong and deep relationships as opposed to a

superficial relationship in which there are no occasions for

disagreements and working it out!

 

I hope that these suggestions are helpful and inspiring to you. Hare

Krishna!

 

 

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