chanting continuously

[Guest guest]

Namaste,

 

After the post about chanting a mantra constantly, i began to realize

that some of my practice had been less than my capacity. I rembered a

time in which i forced myeslf to chant constantly for day (I chanted

the ganapati atharvarshirSha upanishat). I would fall asleep chanting

it and wake up still chanting it. The difficulty was that there were

so many karmic bonds to cut that though i woke up chanting the

upanishat i also felt so much anger and fear and sadness that i could

not control the bodies involuntary urges to break things and scream.

When i realized that i would have had too little contol to keep myself

from hurting people (if they were present) i stopped chanting

constantly.

 

I have realized now that i am much more able to chant constantly than

i was previously. It does limit my ability to do worldly things but i

am not much inclined to do such things so that doesn't matter. I have

begun chanting constantly a simple mula mantra of ganesh for which i

recieved diksha from a satguru. It is immpossible to ask her directly

about this so i am trying to find suggestions from this group.

 

I know from previous experience that it is possible to chant a mantra

constantly for many, many days without fully understanding its power.

It seems now that i am much closer to actually focusing all my

attention on the mantra. The attention is clearly still skewed. The

text that my mantra occurs in says that its repition will unfold the

radiance of the sun from inside my being. I do not understand this to

be true.

 

I have stopped a few times in the last few days, when lord ganapati

appeared and asked me to stop. One time i stopped to be kicked out of

the temple where i sat; once to conduct a yajna; once to talk to a

group of people about the nature of god... Each time i stopped i

noticed i didn't realy care about what was happening (i was detatched

though in a loving way). I noticed that the vibration of the mantra

was continuing in the mind, making it very difficult to not chant the

mantra. As i continue it is strengthening. It seems like it will be

soon that only the mantra remains, but i could be mistaken. I don't

realy care though because i am completely indifferent to this practice

now and i can not seem to stop it any way. It is difficult to maitain

focus to type because i am drawn to the mantra resounding from the

inner cavity of the head.

 

I feel very blessed that the lord's grace is descending on me in the

way. I love him and have prayed for this for a long time! I accept

his divine purpose and do not wish to limit it by my expectations. It

seems as if the mantra has come alive and is now moving on my behalf

(It is chosing my actions and i simply witness that). I do not know

who i was or where he is but a little of him seems to remain. It

wants to serve him perfectly now. It wonders if it should try to help

the mantra come in, but does not know how. It seems best in this

ignorance to welcome its grace and simply allow it to do what it will.

There is trouble to sit still at times but it is lessening. Is there

any additional way for me to make the self a worthy receptacle for

this grace or should i simply continue to dissapear into its lulling

nadi? May his purpose be fulfilled! Jai Ganapati!

 

With Love

Ganesha