Ice Cream Murder

[Sunds]

A policeman is driving along the road when he gets an urgent message on his radio telling him there has been a dead body found in an ice cream van just down the road.

 

He rushes to the scene where he discovers a man's body, with chocolate flakes up each nostril, raspberry sauce all over his head and he is covered from head to toe in hundreds and thousands.

 

A puzzled onlooker asks the policeman what he thinks has happened, to which the policeman replies:

 

"It looks like he's topped himself"

[Sunds]

- In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

 

- In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits - $10.00 - They won't last an hour!"

 

- On an Indiana shopping mall marquee: "Archery tournament. Ears pierced."

 

- In the bathroom of a large apartment building: "When taking showers, please leave the bathroom door a jar. This will prevent the plaster from peeling."

 

- Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."

 

- On a North Carolina highway: "EAT -- 300 FEET"

 

- On an Ohio highway: "Drive slower When Wet."

 

- On a New Hampshire highway: "You are speeding when flashing."

 

- On a Pennsylvania highway: "Drive carefully: Auto accidents kill most people from 15 to 19."

 

- In downtown Boston: "Calahan Tunnel/No. End."

 

- In the window of an Oregon general store: "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"

 

- In a Massachusettes parking area reserved for birdwatchers: "Parking for birds only."

 

- In a New Jersey restaurant: "Open 11:00 AM to 11:00 PM Midnight."

 

- In front of a New Hampshire restaurant: "Now serving live lobsters."

 

- In front of a New Hampshire store: "Endurable floors."

 

- On a radiator repair garage: "Best place too take a leak."

[Sunds]

The following were all found in notes written by parents to excuse their children's absences from school.

 

- Please excuse my son's tardiness. I forgot to wake him up and I did not find him till I started making the beds.

 

- Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend a funeral.

 

- My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with the Marine's.

 

- Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

 

- Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

 

- Please excuse Burma, she had been sick and under the doctor.

 

- Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the berst either, sore throat and fever. There must be the flu going around school, her father even got hot last night.

[Sunds]

Three blokes are driving around, drinking beers and having a laugh when the driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over. The other two are really worried. "What are we going to do with our beers? We're in trouble!"

 

"No," the driver says, "it's OK, just pull the label off your bottle and stick them on your foreheads, and the bloke pulls over.

 

The police officer then walks up and says, "You lads were swerving all around the road back there. Have you been drinking?"

 

"Oh, no, officer," says the driver, pointing to his forehead, "We're trying to give up, so we're on the patch."

[Sunds]

Signs of the Times

 

- At restaurant-gas stations throughout the nation: "Eat here and get gas."

 

- At a Sante Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."

 

- In a New Hampshire jewelry store: "Ears pierced while you wait."

 

- In an New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."

 

- In a Michigan restaurant: "The early bird gets the worm! Special shoppers' luncheon before 11:00 AM."

 

- On a delicatessen wall: "Our best is none too good."

 

- On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law -- Sisters of Mercy"

 

- On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaning store: "Thirty-eight years on the same spot."

 

- In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."

 

- On a movie theater: "Children's matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with child."

 

- In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed!"

 

- In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."

[Tarun]

Many good laughs. hasya-rasa required.