Failing Grade

[Sunds]

Peter walked up to his teacher s desk, holding a report card with a big red F.

 

"If I were you," said Peter, "I would change this while you still can."

 

"Why is that?" asked the teacher.

 

"Because my daddy told me that if I brought home one more failing report card, someone was going to get a beating."

[Sunds]

Darryl and Harold were in a mental institution. The place had an unusual annual contest, picking two of the best patients and giving them two questions. If they got them correct, they were deemed cured and free to go.

 

Darryl was called into the doctor s office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly. Darryl said "Yes" and the doctor proceeded. "Darryl, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"

 

Darryl said, "I'd be half blind."

 

"That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?"

 

"I d be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook Darryl s hand, and told him he was free to go.

 

On Darryl's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Darryl mentioned the exam to Harold, who was seated in the waiting room. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers.

 

So Harold went into the doctor's office when he was called. The doctor went thru the formalities and then asked, "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?" Remembering what Darryl had told him, he answered, "I'd be half blind."

 

The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut off the other ear?"

 

"I'd be completely blind," Harold answered."

 

"Harold, can you explain how you'd be blind?"

 

"My hat would fall down over my eyes."

[Sunds]

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

 

"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."

 

"Thanks," he said, "but the plaintiff's lawyer sure had me worried."

 

"How's that?" the lawyer asked.

 

"I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!"

[Sunds]

Harry and Martha were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."

 

Harry got up from his coffee and replied "Well, okay."

 

Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their morning cup of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets."

 

Harry got up from his coffee and replied, "Well, okay."

 

Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cup of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and then the power went off and Harry didn't get the rest of the instructions. He said to Martha, "What am I going to do now, Martha?"

 

Martha said, "Aw, Harry, just leave the car in the garage."