Afterlife

[Sunds]

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

 

The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

 

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."

 

The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, ' Look, he's moving!'"

[Sunds]

"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.

 

"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."

 

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.

 

"Yes."

 

"What did it say?"

 

"Don't stand up in the car!"

[Sunds]

So there's these two muffins in an oven.

 

They're both sitting, just chilling and getting baked.

 

And one of them yells "Oh man, it's hot in here!"

 

And the other muffin replies "Holy cow, a talking muffin!"

[Sunds]

Why was the Tomato blushing?

 

Because he saw the salad dressing.