bhaktajan Posted June 18, 2008 Report Share Posted June 18, 2008 My friend forwarded this to me--she teaches english in an elementary school in China: History Lessons... The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday school quizzes by children between fifth and 6th grade ages in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<st1:place w:st="on">Ohio</st1:place></st1:State>. They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers. Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, enough misinformation to satisfy Donald Rumsfeld and, of course, spelling! Ancient <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Egypt</st1:place></st1:country-region> was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the <st1:place w:st="on">Red Sea</st1:place> where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Canada</st1:place></st1:country-region> but the commandos made it. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was an actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth. Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on tv now. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of <st1:place w:st="on">Gaul</st1:place>. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: 'Same to you, Brutus.' Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems. Queen Elizabeth was the 'Virgin Queen,' As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted 'hurrah!' and that was the end of the fighting for a long while. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies,and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. They lived in <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Italy</st1:place></st1:country-region>. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet but her father was having none of that that I'm sure. You know how Italian fathers are. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. <st1:City w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Milton</st1:place></st1:City> wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. <st1:City w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Franklin</st1:place></st1:City> discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, 'A horse divided against itself cannot stand.' He was a naturalist for sure. <st1:City w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Franklin</st1:place></st1:City> died in 1790 and is still dead. Abraham Lincoln became <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">America</st1:place></st1:country-region>'s greatest Precedent. <st1:City w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Lincoln</st1:place></st1:City>'s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, <st1:City w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Lincoln</st1:place></st1:City> went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and has a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him.Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why. Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it. Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken. Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess. ENGLISH (almost as good) In a Bangkok temple: > 'IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF > DRESSED AS A MAN.' > > <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">Cocktail lounge</st1:City>, <st1:country-region w:st="on">Norway</st1:country-region></st1:place>: > 'LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.' > > Doctor's office, <st1:City w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Rome</st1:place></st1:City>: > 'SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES. > > Dry cleaners, <st1:City w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Bangkok</st1:place></st1:City>: > 'DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS. > > In a <st1:City w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Nairobi</st1:place></st1:City> restaurant: > 'CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE > MANAGER.' > > On an <st1:place w:st="on"><ST1:PlaceName w:st="on">Athi</ST1:PlaceName> <ST1:PlaceType w:st="on">River</ST1:PlaceType></st1:place> highway (the main road to Mombassa): > 'TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS > IMPASSABLE.' > > On a poster at Kencom: > 'ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.' > > In a City restaurant: > 'OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.' > > A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: > 'DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.' > > In a cemetery: > 'PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT > THEIR OWN GRAVES.' > > <st1:City w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Tokyo</st1:place></st1:City> hotel's rules and regulations: > 'GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING > BEHAVIOURS IN BED.' > > On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: > 'OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.' > > In a <st1:City w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Tokyo</st1:place></st1:City> bar: > 'SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.' > > <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">Hotel</st1:City>, <st1:country-region w:st="on">Yugoslavia</st1:country-region></st1:place>: > 'THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE > CHAMBERMAID.' > > <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">Hotel</st1:City>, <st1:country-region w:st="on">Japan</st1:country-region></st1:place>: > 'YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.' > > In the lobby of a <st1:City w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Moscow</st1:place></st1:City> hotel across from a Russian Orthodox > monastery: > 'YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN > AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.' > > > A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: > 'IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE > THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN > ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.' > > Hotel, <st1:City w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Zurich</st1:place></st1:City>: > 'BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE > OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS > PURPOSE.' > > Advertisement for donkey rides, <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Thailand</st1:place></st1:country-region>: > 'WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?' > > The box of a clockwork toy made in <st1:place w:st="on">Hong Kong</st1:place>: > 'GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.' > > In a Swiss mountain inn: > 'SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.' > > Airline ticket office, <st1:City w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Copenhagen</st1:place></st1:City>: > 'WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.' > > A laundry in <st1:City w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Rome</st1:place></st1:City>: > 'LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON > HAVING A GOOD TIME.' > LOVE (cute) Lastly, a group of 4 to 8 Year-olds was asked 'What does love mean?' The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone Could have imagined. See what you think: 'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all The time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.' Rebecca- age 8 When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.' Billy - age 4 'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.' Karl - age 5 'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.' Chrissy -age 6 'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.' Terri - age 4 'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.' Danny - age 7 'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss' Emily - age 8 'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.' Bobby - age 7 (Wow!) 'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,' Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet) 'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.' Noelle - age 7 'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.' Tommy - age 6 'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.' Cindy - age 8 'My mommy loves me more than anybody . You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.' Clare - age 6 'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.' Elaine-age 5 'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.' Chris - age 7 'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.' Mary Ann - age 4 'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.' Lauren - age 4 'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an imagination) Karen - age 7 'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.' Mark - age 6 'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.' Jessica - age 8 The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, 'Nothing, I just helped him cry' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shivamohan Posted July 22, 2008 Report Share Posted July 22, 2008 Some are really funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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