confused, please guide

[confused1974]

Greetings to all devotees,

I am a new member to this site and stumbled upon it when I was looking for spiritual guidance. I am child of the scientific world where I can reason almost any thing .The thing I could not reason with today was the fact that I willingly missed my work where my inner voice kept propelling me to go. I am a doctor by profession and today was my last working day at the hospital. I knew I should have gone but didn't. For most it would not have been a big problem as I have seen my seniors in the past years do that. But I could not reason with my action. And every karma gets rewarded duly with punishments/reward.I am now so disturbed by my action that I feel that all the hard work and possible punya that I had attained by doing my duties sincerely for the past 4years have been washed away with this one action. The guilt is so great that I feel may not be able to enjoy my own graduation for which my family and I had worked so hard. I pray someone here might be able to guide me how to atone for my sin. I feel I am already being punished by it as I do not feel a sense of completeness after my resiency finished.

I grew up in a household my father and mother were always focussed in my education and the spiritual part had been ignored. I believe in the supreme and the karma yogi way of life however I doubt everything that I hear. I am unable to reconcile myself to the idea of following one God like krishna or shiva or devi as when I read their mahimas I am unable to reason with their actions. I have been an irregular follower of Sri Sai Ram over the years. I know God has helped me throughout this hard journey in everyway and whenever I asked or even not asked for. But I feel I need a stable strong one course where I can align who I am with Him. I don't know if I made any sense here but just writing in ths spiritual forum is giving me some relief. If I get a reply I would be really blessed.

Thank you for reading this post

Confused

[hindustani]

Hi respected soul

When things turn out of control and go against us,we cry from within and this is natural.

I can suggest you many things to get soothing effects,instant thing I find is below at the end of this post,listen to it and let your problems over ride you sooner you will realise what is happening today will surely go off in air.

Ram duvare tum rakhwale,Hoat na aagya binu paisare,

Sab sukh lahein tumhari sarna,Tum rakshak kahu ko Darna!

click these urls buddy and our prayers are with you.

 

and below link where famous pop singer Shri Shankar Sahney has sung Shri MahaMrityunjaya Mantra is a most fabulous way!

 

[ronin]

To confused1974

 

I'm moved by your inner voice. What advice can we offer you. The realization of wrong action does not comes easily.

Don't worry this one action will not affect your past good karmas. Its not like this that you steal 4000 rupees & donate 3000 & keep 1000 thinking you will only be punished for stealing 1000 rupees. you will be punished for stealing 4000 & awarded for donating 3000. Bad karmas get rewarded badly & good karmas get rewarded in a good way.

[ronin]

If you want to follow a spiritual path your choice will depend upon what temperament you have. Like if i have a lot of enemies i will worship that god who destroys all my enemies & brings peace into my life. Like wise choice is made or guru decides for the disciple.

[kshama]

 

Greetings to all devotees,

I am a new member to this site and stumbled upon it when I was looking for spiritual guidance. I am child of the scientific world where I can reason almost any thing .The thing I could not reason with today was the fact that I willingly missed my work where my inner voice kept propelling me to go. I am a doctor by profession and today was my last working day at the hospital. I knew I should have gone but didn't. For most it would not have been a big problem as I have seen my seniors in the past years do that. But I could not reason with my action. And every karma gets rewarded duly with punishments/reward.I am now so disturbed by my action that I feel that all the hard work and possible punya that I had attained by doing my duties sincerely for the past 4years have been washed away with this one action. The guilt is so great that I feel may not be able to enjoy my own graduation for which my family and I had worked so hard. I pray someone here might be able to guide me how to atone for my sin. I feel I am already being punished by it as I do not feel a sense of completeness after my resiency finished.

I grew up in a household my father and mother were always focussed in my education and the spiritual part had been ignored. I believe in the supreme and the karma yogi way of life however I doubt everything that I hear. I am unable to reconcile myself to the idea of following one God like krishna or shiva or devi as when I read their mahimas I am unable to reason with their actions. I have been an irregular follower of Sri Sai Ram over the years. I know God has helped me throughout this hard journey in everyway and whenever I asked or even not asked for. But I feel I need a stable strong one course where I can align who I am with Him. I don't know if I made any sense here but just writing in ths spiritual forum is giving me some relief. If I get a reply I would be really blessed.

Thank you for reading this post

Confused

 

Respected confused1974 Ji,

 

First of all I welcome you to this forum. You have come to the right place, as it is a platform to meet and hear the opinions of many blessed souls. I am not as educated as yourself and I am also not spiritually or religiously proficient as many members of this forum are. So I hope I do not sound vain or rude.

 

 

We are judged by many people in this world, some have biased, partial or even really true judgements of ourself. From what I read, you have acknowledged 'something' that YOU know is wrong and the YOUR conscience said refrain from it. Now this is a huge breakthrough. So nobody can judge you better except God and to an extent yourself. So if you think your action by not being part of IT, is fair, ethically right, and something god would encourage, then stand still and proud that you have made the right decision.

 

 

Yes, I must say I am not in your shoes, I cannot fathom what are you going through. You would probably reason, it is easier said and done. I am not accusing, but it is the normal thought process. I am sorry if you feel so.

 

 

You mentioned you are a doctor. You know, being a doctor paves way to accumulate good karma each time you treat and say even nice things to soothe the pain of patients. So I think you are already blessed by god to be in this profession. Not all can be doctors no matter how they try.

 

 

I am not wise enough to quote verses from Gita, so I won't do that. But I can tell you one thing for sure, follow your Dharma whatever you do, leave the fruits of the actions to god. You are merely a blessed instrument of god, so you are not the doer. I hope spiritually advanced or proficient members can guide you with how to strengthen your faith in god and being spiritual,thus giving clear methods to follow the faith of your choice. Namaste.

[jyy]

Hi there, ... i dont think you are confused. you are thinking. and that is not a bad thing.

 

you may have to accept the thought/s that led you to not go to work on the last day. it has to be something strong and deep and an outcome of a long process.

 

what did the training mean to you?

what does not going mean to you?

it is certainly NOT a sin or misdeed. it is just a place you have landed, that perhaps you are unable to analyze with your scientific self.

 

 

for a person as committed as you, as intelligent and hard working, it does not surprise me that you may have such strong moments. instead of being disturbed, or confused, analyze, using different way than you are used to. often we get so hung-up by our professional selves that we mistake it as our real, bigger, fuller self. this is just a call from the remaining you. you have to listen to it first and then accept and share if you want to continue to talk.

 

and i hope you do.

take care, you are a starting another journey it seems.

so open up your thoughts and lets talk.

[melvin]

 

Greetings to all devotees,

I am a new member to this site and stumbled upon it when I was looking for spiritual guidance. I am child of the scientific world where I can reason almost any thing .The thing I could not reason with today was the fact that I willingly missed my work where my inner voice kept propelling me to go. I am a doctor by profession and today was my last working day at the hospital. I knew I should have gone but didn't. For most it would not have been a big problem as I have seen my seniors in the past years do that. But I could not reason with my action. And every karma gets rewarded duly with punishments/reward.I am now so disturbed by my action that I feel that all the hard work and possible punya that I had attained by doing my duties sincerely for the past 4years have been washed away with this one action. The guilt is so great that I feel may not be able to enjoy my own graduation for which my family and I had worked so hard. I pray someone here might be able to guide me how to atone for my sin. I feel I am already being punished by it as I do not feel a sense of completeness after my resiency finished.

I grew up in a household my father and mother were always focussed in my education and the spiritual part had been ignored. I believe in the supreme and the karma yogi way of life however I doubt everything that I hear. I am unable to reconcile myself to the idea of following one God like krishna or shiva or devi as when I read their mahimas I am unable to reason with their actions. I have been an irregular follower of Sri Sai Ram over the years. I know God has helped me throughout this hard journey in everyway and whenever I asked or even not asked for. But I feel I need a stable strong one course where I can align who I am with Him. I don't know if I made any sense here but just writing in ths spiritual forum is giving me some relief. If I get a reply I would be really blessed.

Thank you for reading this post

Confused

 

hi, confused1974. i`m a doctor,too. i`m a catholic ( can`t abandon my family). i`ve been a member of this congregation exactly 9 years now. if you will stick to this forum, we can assure you that you`ll never be the same as before 9 years from now. the processing is slow and yet it`s guaranteed to satisfy your spiritual need to evolve. i know because i`ve been there before. mind you, i`m not that person who`d say, " hi! confused1974. you`re just starting to be on your way while i`m on my way home." nope, i`m not that kind of person. even if i`m going home and meet you while you`re on your way ignore you. i`ll make a u turn if i have to just to keep you company without ado as you journey towards life ahead. there are no promises because promises are made to be broken. yet i know you`re not alone because your " inner voice" is always there to guide you whenever i decide to stop (i`m old) and let you proceed ahead without me to keep you company. hare krsnah always.

[primate]

Maybe he is not a 'doctor' in the sense of a 'physician'. E.g., I’m also a 'doctor (Phd)', but in the sense of a 'neuro-scientist'..

[melvin]

 

Maybe he is not a 'doctor' in the sense of a 'physician'. E.g., I’m also a 'doctor (Phd)', but in the sense of a 'neuro-scientist'..

 

you`re funny, primate. he/she said worked in the hospital(try going over his/her resume). the phd doctor is you primate having defended your thesis on conscious chaos. made ranjeetmore more confused.

[confused1974]

Thank you all for the replies, I wrote a long note but it got lost in the inter-space some where.

I'll try again.

[melvin]

 

Thank you all for the replies, I wrote a long note but it got lost in the inter-space some where.

I'll try again.

 

what do you specialize, confused1974? me? i`m a certified family physician and is working in this facility.(www.youtube.com/cpdrc)

[confused1974]

I'm a doctor and I do take care of patients.I apologise for the confusion and I'll try to be as open as I can about myself. BUt I really want to be known as just another person so I did not write much details about my profession.

About what happended ysterday all I can say is for the past 4years I have been a sincere(almost) person being religious to my duties as much as I physically could. These last 4 years of training have taught me a lot and made me to be the person I am today. These last 2 weeks of work were quite heavy with everyday weighing up on me. maybe I was just emotionally too drained to be able to give my best. I don't know what led to yesterday. but I do feel that it may have put a spot on my unblemished impression so far. I feel I may not be able to face my colleagues/juniors who had until now looked up to me because of what I did at the end. I feel I may be leaving this place with a negative energy. The worst of all is I don't know if I would still have gone if I were to get another opportunity? SPeaks much about my dedication to my work and patients doesn't it? This incident is weighing so much on me that I am unable to fully enjoy the completion of this journey with my family. I had been looking so forward to this day. I think they are tired of hearing my complaints and feel that I am not doing justice to the present moment. I know that if this time is gone it may not come back ever for me. But I do not know how to rid myself of this weight on my chest and how to not think about what others maybe thinking of me. More to follow....

[melvin]

 

I'm a doctor and I do take care of patients.I apologise for the confusion and I'll try to be as open as I can about myself. BUt I really want to be known as just another person so I did not write much details about my profession.

About what happended ysterday all I can say is for the past 4years I have been a sincere(almost) person being religious to my duties as much as I physically could. These last 4 years of training have taught me a lot and made me to be the person I am today. These last 2 weeks of work were quite heavy with everyday weighing up on me. maybe I was just emotionally too drained to be able to give my best. I don't know what led to yesterday. but I do feel that it may have put a spot on my unblemished impression so far. I feel I may not be able to face my colleagues/juniors who had until now looked up to me because of what I did at the end. I feel I may be leaving this place with a negative energy. The worst of all is I don't know if I would still have gone if I were to get another opportunity? SPeaks much about my dedication to my work and patients doesn't it? This incident is weighing so much on me that I am unable to fully enjoy the completion of this journey with my family. I had been looking so forward to this day. I think they are tired of hearing my complaints and feel that I am not doing justice to the present moment. I know that if this time is gone it may not come back ever for me. But I do not know how to rid myself of this weight on my chest and how to not think about what others maybe thinking of me. More to follow....

 

the only thing i feel this heaviness on my chest is not being able to save the life of a patient which i was supposed to do but was helpless to do so. a very anemic patient under my care should have lived if we gave her blood transfusion but couldn`t because she was a jehovah`s witness. their religion wont allow them blood transfusion.

[confused1974]

My confusion about religion and God stems from my developing years. I have been in the company of people from almost every religon. I see them being so different yet at the same time so similar. I do believe that there is one God. However I question the origins and authenticiy of all the old epics such as mahabharat and Ramayana. How do we know that they were not glorifed novels written by popular authors at that time. The bible, Quran etc talk totally different origins and Hinduism is so vast. We do not have one such binding factor that we can turn to. We have so many options, its like going to a supermarket and trying to pick the best advertised brand. I feel jealous of my peers who stand fast to their culture and religion. I strongly feel the lack of it, but where do I go? I wish my parent would have felt the need to give me an equal education on this side of life. I have read a lots of posts on this website. There are arguments about who is greater and more powerful vishnu or Shiva and then there are the Devis. I get all the more confused. This democracy is wonderful yet is driving me crazy. I wish I could go back in time to discover the truth on my own.of my But I feel I am yeons away from that kind of enlightenment. I thing I need a really good guidance but I would probably be doubtful of my Guru as well. So I go back to my Karma and I think that is what bothered me the most because i avoided it te other day and I didn't have a backup place to turn to.

I hope whoever reads it takes it as a cry for help coming from a confused person. This was not intended to hurt or doubt anyone else's beliefs. and if I did please forgive me as I am still a little child in this matter.

[confused1974]

I am sorry about your experience but under the circumstances it seems there was nothing you could do. God had other plans for the patient and you were just the bystander. As they say man proposes and God disposes. So I would say just put it in your bag of experiences and transfer all that weight to God. Easier said than done, but giving advices to other people always comes easy to me.

[melvin]

 

I am sorry about your experience but under the circumstances it seems there was nothing you could do. God had other plans for the patient and you were just the bystander. As they say man proposes and God disposes. So I would say just put it in your bag of experiences and transfer all that weight to God. Easier said than done, but giving advices to other people always comes easy to me.

 

well, i want you to advise me whatever.

[kshama]

Dear Confufused1974 Ji,

 

Now I have understood your situation a bit better, as you opened up. Well you are indeed a good doctor and care about your patients. That is good enough. Is there any more better criteria than this? Maybe there is, but not as good as the aforementioned trait.

 

Well, as I said, be content of what you are. You are already in a blessed profession. Running away from problems to an extent helps but we would stumble into the starting point again and again. The whole thing will repeat, agitation, heaviness and depression. Why not resolve it, take time to rejuvenate yourself, start things afresh? I am sure you will be in the best state of mind and body. Keep up the good work, leave the rest to god. May god bless you always.

 

Good luck, Namaste.

[confused1974]

Thank you for your response, any ideas on how to go about finding the right Guru?

[kshama]

 

Thank you for your response, any ideas on how to go about finding the right Guru?

 

Confused1974 Ji,

 

I am not the right person to pin-point or tell how to find your guru. I must say, I am glad that you are in a search of a guru. This is indeed a good way to understand and cultivate as well as nourish your faith. There are many respected seniors here and learned members who both are advanced in spirituality. I am sure god will send someone to guide you in this thread. Until then, keep reading and contribute your thoughts. Good luck, namaste.

[ronin]

To confused1974

 

Call your colleagues/juniors & say sorry for not coming because you were tired. A tired person cannot be productive. He only drags on his day killing the time & often makes errors in his work.

 

Human body is a very delicate piece of artwork. Its not a machine so do not treat it like one. It needs rest when tired. Its a natural phenomena. Anyone who works gets tired & needs food & rest to revitalize tissues.

If you overwork, you will not remain a doctor any longer but become a patient yourself

[ronin]

When the disciple is ready, the guru appears. Are you ready to sit in one place for 3 hours ? Are you ready to drop onions, garlic, spices & even salt from your food ? Are you ready for abstinence & non-violence ?

[confused1974]

Not meaning to sound offensive, don't we need a teacher right from the start? even to learn how to take the first step?

[melvin]

 

Not meaning to sound offensive, don't we need a teacher right from the start? even to learn how to take the first step?

 

we can`t go to school without textbooks, right? the official textbook for this course is srimad bhagavatam(64 volumes). canto 1 to 12. canto 1 starts with creation. this is kindergarten:) . canto 2 is grade 1. canto 3 is grade 2. so on and so forth. you will be tested by how much you are able to explain to the class ( forum threads) about creation. if you don`t have the books at your disposal now( available on line), you can surf the net.(prabhupada`s books, etc.). good luck, confused1974!

[ronin]

 

Not meaning to sound offensive, don't we need a teacher right from the start? even to learn how to take the first step?

 

None taken either. Follow the primary steps. Pickup Sivananda Saraswati books from the market. Its a gradual change which you have to bring over years.

 

And remember what yoda said " I can only show you the door. It is you who has to walk through it "

 

There is a lot of fakes sitting out there to fool you if you don't know your basics. When basics are clear you'll develop the ability to differentiate b/w right & wrong & like wise be able to choose.

[jyy]

 

the only thing i feel this heaviness on my chest is not being able to save the life of a patient which i was supposed to do but was helpless to do so. a very anemic patient under my care should have lived if we gave her blood transfusion but couldn`t because she was a jehovah`s witness. their religion wont allow them blood transfusion.

 

Hi there again,

 

this is long mail/response, hope you are not bored with it....

 

didn't i say that this is not confusion. it is a valid reason to be in dilemma for such a complex situation. up to my understanding, there are more than one things here to be think about, though they are connected for sure.

 

Directly, the event relates to medical ethics and your role as a professional. i appreciate your being torn in this situation. Patient-centered care and decision making is not easy when competing need to be considered. What you faced there was a lot of things - (1) the clinical condition of the patient (2) the medical possibility of saving life (3) barriers to it - including the religious faith-related issues of the client herself (4) and the responsibility on the providers to take a decision regarding her care-plan.

 

NOW -

as far as taking consent of the patient is an ethical medical procedure and you did that, you did your duty.

your feeling that a life could be save emanates out of your clinical understanding that blood transfusion was a solution.

BUT - if the patient's belief was taken into account, then this is a matter of conflicting ethical contexts.

Sometimes there are professional codes that take precedence, which it did. We are then left with fighting the other sense of responsibility or ethical questions like what you are facing.

 

these questions are part of your profession. there may be situations where you did all you can and still not be able to save life.

 

i think the thing to consider is what is your ethical base -professionally and spiritually and they are connected. it may be related to a religious or spiritual base. and defining or finding it is an on-going process.

 

in this situation, i ask again that you think - what is it that disturbs you?

were you able to do what you can within the limits of your role and responsibility?

it you did, then lighten-up. reason it out in parts.

I believe you were a part of the team. then was the decision a team decision? what were the issues you all took into consideration? did you say what you felt was right?

 

And again, why did you not go on the last day?

- was it because you felt helpless and could not face the fact of losing one person in the face of such a difficult situation?

- or was there something you could have done and did not?

 

These are two different situations. both are burdensome. but the way through them is different.

i would say, do not feel guilty out of the turn. take responsibility for what it is logically. own it and take steps to resolve it to the ethical contentment.

 

this will include going back and contacting your colleagues. your fears about them thinking bad about you may be unfounded. for all you know, they may be worried about you. Remember that as a senior resident, you must be a role-model for your juniors and your seniors will have so much faith in you and hopes from you. it will be good to go back and meet. may be others have similar thoughts - this will be a somewhat common scenario in a health/medical profession or any profession that deals with people directly, because we are able to make a direct impact on people's lives. the thing to remember is this point where you are, of honesty of intervention and honesty of intent.

 

I would suggest you go back and set an example of having a real dilemma and working through it with professional and personal integrity and having the courage to return back to the work you love. This is just a milestone my dear, not a road block.

This is a great moment for you come out a winner - these are REAL situations in your profession dear.

 

 

Now on the spiritual front -

often, it is situations like these that compel us to think about the other/bigger realities of our universe. there is no right or wrong time to come to it and there is no point in blaming your parents. may be they tried to keep it open and modern for you for a different upbringing. ... anyways. you are an adult and can decide where to go.

 

regarding your search for a mentor/guru - i do not know if there can be one person or a faith - it may happen eventually that you find one path, one person to lead you. my experience is that with the kind of intellect we develop and the kind of questions a lot of us face, our search is an on-going thing. it will be good to start somewhere, for sure, like looking at the Bhagwat Gita study circles or finding various analysis of the Gita. Read some books like 'autobiography of the yogi'. depending on where you live, find a place that offers possibity of spiritual growth, for example, chinmaya-ashram or study circles. and begin to find what are the questions you have, what is your search. once you connect with right kind of people, places, you will reach the right person you can take as your guru.

 

 

For you to have reached this point is really good. it takes courage to do what you are doing. so you have already taken the most difficult step. you have to be proud of yourself to share it all and to accept it. i do hope that you continue to share your journey here.

 

cheers, jyy