Toward Full Forgiveness

[Guest guest]

" In a conflict, what is usually the right thing to do? " Consider the

following four opinions.

 

" I feel like a sheep among wolves. "

" This is hard and this anger is killing me. "

" I will get even with him. It's pay-back time. "

" Can I conquer this evil by doing good? "

 

To deal with forgiveness and revenge, you need to find the answers to

these questions:

 

1. Why do you pay back in kind when others hurt you?

2. How can you live in peace?

3. How can you leave the payback to others?

4. How can you conquer the evil around you?

 

1. Why do you pay back in kind when others hurt you?

 

Forgiveness frees an individual from some of the harm that the

offender caused and repays evil with good. Revenge on the other end

is the inflicting of punishment in return for an injury or insult and

returns evil with evil. Revenge usually includes a deep disrespect

for the offender. Revenge continues the harm that an offender caused.

It is an attempt to get even with the offender and to harm, punish or

destroy him or her. If everybody revenged, everybody would soon be

blind and toothless.

 

In harming individuals and groups, revenge has its social and

psychological costs. In reducing production and work, it may also

have its economic costs. In making society more dysfunctional, it

contributes to many of the ills around us. Revenge usually arises out

of the offended person's anger. Some conflicts are necessary and

unavoidable. But just because someone initiates a conflict does not

mean that we have to respond in kind. In the long run, the avenger is

as much or more hurt than the person causing the first harm. Revenge

is an expression of ill-will toward the offender. Revenge does not

work.

 

Forgiveness seems to be unjust. Revenge seems to bring justice. But

harboring bad feelings against another person is like a cancer that

kills. It does not bring justice or peace. Someone wrote the four

main tenets of the ideal revenge:

 

1. Do unto others as they do unto you. (Let the punishment fit the

crime.)

2. Don't involve innocents. (Don't hurt someone unless they hurt

you.)

3. Be prepared to be caught. (Always imagine a worst case scenario.)

4. Think before you drink. (Think before you do, period.)

 

This of course is not the way to go. But it highlights the evil

nature of revenge. From both a behavioral and a spiritual

perspective, it is time to renounce revenge for good. Pay-back

usually means paying back in kind. But it also can mean paying back

good for evil.

 

In life, both the forgiver and avenger are harmed in similar ways. It

is their reaction to that harmful event that makes the difference.

Forgiving is essentially an act of giving and sharing. Avenging is an

act of taking, stealing, or hurting. Forgiveness is a good choice

that comes from a rich spiritual person and is helpful. Revenge

usually is an outgrowth of anger and harms all parties concerned.

 

2. How can you live in peace?

 

Many people do not live in peace. The self-important have a hard time

forgiving and gaining peace. It is easy to see ourselves better than

we are. We fail to gain peace because we fail to forgive. And when we

fail to forgive, we usually take revenge against the people who cause

us pain. In an active revenge, the avenger goes out and tries to

inflict some hurt at the offender. In passive revenge, the avenger

withholds good-will or help to the offender.

 

We fail to give when we fail to trust 1) that the receiver really

wants our very best and 2) that we are rich enough to give. Is

revenge then a kind of withholding, taking or stealing? Both giving

and forgiving are a giving of time and kindness. Most of us try to

live peaceful lives all the time. But often our pride and self-

centeredness gets in the way. Not only do we fail to give and

forgive, but we also take revenge when it is not our place to take

revenge.

 

3. Can you leave the payback to others?

 

The enforcement of civil law and order is the duty of the

authorities, the police, and the prosecution. Once I made a wrong

turn and the policeman just gave me a warning. Another time it cost

me Rs. 120. Should the policeman have forgiven me every time?

Enforcing the law is not revenge, but it is a payback in that it

inflicts punishment in return for a violation. Revenge ignores the

fact that there already exists one or more systems that deal with

those who willfully harm others. The keeping of civil order has been

entrusted to the government. The function of the law is to find and

punish those who break the law.

 

Besides the civil law, there is a moral or spiritual law. God is not

only love but also the protector of the good and the punisher of

those who willful harm their fellowmen. God usually does this not on

a daily basis, but by rewarding at the end of life those who accept

Him as Model and Father, and excluding from that reward those who

were evil and vengeful. You can leave the payback and final justice

to him.

 

4. How can you overcome the evil around you?

 

There are many positive ways of overcoming evil. Instead of avenging,

Dr. Anna Klimes suggested to greet someone who harmed you with these

sincere words: " Good to see you, Old Boy (or Girl). " It does not

matter if you were angry at that person or if that person was angry

with you. Substituting kind words for vengeful ones works. The

prisons are full of people who tried to get even with people who hurt

them. They and we need to renounce all revenge and instead respect

all people. We overcome the evil around us by forgiving and fostering

the good. We need to forgive so much, because we have been so much

forgiven.