Strange Lullaby

[Guest guest]

Dear 'Surmay', You are right!, Every devotee has the right to be mad. Madness is inherent in a true devotee, else he or she is not truly a devotee. He or She is just being measured in His/her approach. Will your mother be measured in her approach when she feeds you? Tell me S? Once my friend Ravi commented "You are stupid, You try to sing lullabies for Divine mother. I can understand if you are singing for Bala" I said even my Mother needs a lullaby.He said he could not imagine a lullaby for such a "divine and grand lady". I said it is all in the words you tell your heart. Why look at Divine Mother always at a Soundarya Lahiri angle?, Let me try some

lullabies I thought.I did try out a few songs in both Telugu and Tamil. It all came out well...the flow, the words, the music. Yet something was missing....what was that? My tears! No tears flowed! I try to be pretty honest in my dealings.If I do not get a true feeling, I do not cry, howmuchever the song might be Gathramohanam! To me a song which had no tears, had no salt, a life without salt is a life without sweetness and a life without sweetness is one without tears! I slowly closed my singing session and closed the door of my second pooja almirah which I keep near my bed. Sighed heavily and shouted to my Mother "Ma, why is it that you are the one who has to

be Mother always? I want to be your mother(nevermind what Ravi had to say about this!)"I then was feeling exhausted and then felt sleepy. Instantly, I saw a sight of Kali moving hithertither, Clankety Clankety went the steps ...it was a beautiful sight. I dont know what happened in my dream state. Was I lucid dreaming? But i said "Amma Amma(when I become really emotional, I cry Amma Amma thats all I CAN not all the srividya mantras) Amma Amma....meeru baagunnaru kaani nanu ganna thalli eedhi? naayamma thalli edhi?"(Mother, you are beautiful but where is the Mother who gave me birth?My own Mother{(I meant Rajarajeshwari Amba)} She looked down at me and asked me in english" Why am I not your Mother?" That instant I was snapped out of the dream or maybe a hallucination(but what a sweet hallucination!!!!! better than the sordid realities of our Kaliyuga!) I then

slapped my face hard and said " Ma what am I doing? why this bheda is coming for Kali and Rajarajeshwari Ammavaru? Rupa bhedham is there but Murthy bhedham should never be seen" I then felt My god my mother is moving so much here and there, doing so many things all at once, yet being in the highest yogam. And what am I a vermin doing?---seeing differences with my parochial mind. Amma I cannot give you anything? My blood?--no even that is polluted, my heart?---no it is rotten?.....my eyes?---no it watches many evil things.....what do i have?... I saw some camphor lying near my almirah puja room, I got up on an impulse and placed that on my palm and lit it and started doing aaartahi with my hand...as the heat seared through my hands....i felt a bit of relief.......but then i thought, this is

stupid!!! I should fall in lava of a volacano with a smile in my face but here Iam doing gimmicks like lighting camphor on my palm cinematically. I waited calmly for the camphor to die down. With my scalded palms I tried to get up and do something drastic. Really drastic. I felt immidiately some force making me sit in padmasana!It was saying something like :"Fool! sit sit" I sat but then I replied back"Hold me hold me I will do it!" The force said "You can give me something" I asked "What?" "Your voice" I then cried and said "...with this scalded palm which has atleast become a bit pure, let me pat you to sleep Amma. Amma no one bothers about you.All ask everything many even see you with lustful eyes! I will pat you to sleep my baby! I will sing" I cried the whole night unbeknowest to anyone, except my little "baby" Baby sleep baby sleep your feet are tired! Let me assuage with my song (all the while sititng in the padmasana) aanandhamaay, en aRivaay, niRaintha amudhamumaay,vaan andhamaana vadivu udaiyaaL, maRai naankinukkumthaan andhamaana, charaNaaravindham-thavaLa niRakkaanam tham aadaranku aam embiraan mudik kaNNiathE Happiness is your feet, Wisdom is your feet, Fully filled nectar is your feet, Your feet is of the form of

endless horizon, Your feet is the ultimate aim of the four Vedas, Oh, dear mother Abhirami, The Lord who dances in ash, Keeps his head on your feet and feels it apt. What song can this ignoramus sing oh Mother? sang sang sang sang some nonsense.....then my head fell down exhausted, my eyes sore and dry. My head felt strange, I saw it reeling round and round and then I did not know what happened. Thereafter I entered into a white milky bliss as if my soul was enveloped into amrita. uRaikinRa nin thirukkOyil-nin kELvar oru pakkamO,aRaikinRa naan maRaiyin adiyO mudiyO, amudhamniRaikinRa veN thinkaLO, kanchamO; enthan nenchakamO,maRaikinRa vaarithiyO?- pooraNaachala mangalaiyE! Exist do you not, oh goddess mine, In the left side of the Shiva the great, Or is it in the beginning of Vedas that Brahma recites, Or is it in the end of Vedas, our great holy book, Or is it in the nectar drenched by the full moon at night, Or is it in the sea of milk where Indra’s wealth disappeared, Or is it in the mind of this lowly devotee, Be pleased to tell, Oh

everlasting goodness. Morning I get up.... ..... my legs are completely dead, I could not take them out of the padamasa. I heard the "Paalkaari"(Milk Woman) shout "Amma! Paal" Here I had drunk Amudha Paal from my divine Mother. Amma en indha thunbam? paadiyadharkaa? (why this torture ?for singing?) Pizhaigalai manniyum!(please forgive my faults). It is my habit to talk,think and feel in three languages-Tamil, Telugu and English! So I spoke a combination of that lingo with Her and then took the Tiger balm which I had in the window sill and spplied it to my aching legs. I then laughed wryly, yesterday I was about to give up my life and today Iam massaging my aching calf

muscles! What a waste this body is! It is a mere sac which binds me when will I get vimochana from its pull? Should these feet run for the toothless mother Maya or should these run in the seva of teue devotees of Amba? Whatever it is ---"You sleep" I said to my imaginary baby Rajarajeshwari Amma! My darling,muddulla chellakannu!(all three languages!) Love, can I say anything more? Shreeram Balijepalli

 

 

 

Purity, Powers, Parabrahmam...

 

 

 

 

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[Guest guest]

Nenja gana kallu(m) negizhnthu uruga

Thanjattharul Shanmuganukk(u) iyal ser

Senjol punai maalai siranthidave

Panjakkara Aanai Padam panivam

-Kandar Anubhuti (1)

 

Tears are indeed the mark of true devotion - It happens when stone like

('gana' kal nenju) melts ('negizhnthu' uruga).

 

I truly agree that madness is a very good indicator of devotion. I

could identify with how you felt when you wrote this! May Mother bless

you to be blessed in the same state!

 

Regards

Sriram