Hey, if I upset anybody, I apologize.

[Guest guest]

Namaste all of you, and Happy New Year;

 

My response to what I perceived as a condescending

e-mail sent by one of our brothers indirectly directed

to me was quite un-called for. I thank all of you for

not telling me off; plus I thank all of you for

addressing this issue effectively with your opinions.

When I last saw my Gurudeva Sivaya Subramuniyaswami in

July 2000 there was an unspoken understanding that I

knew that he knew that I knew that he knew that I

loved him...but I would absolutely not conform! He was

cool with that and he still whole-heartedly accepted

me for all my follies-and he even said " I thought I

told you last year to come down to Kawai, how come you

haven't come yet? " I feel the echo of his acceptance

present in the manifestation of your tolerance towards

my impertinance. Thank you.

I spoke quite reactively and I did it purposely, full

well knowing that if I waited to respond to " that "

E-mail later when I cooled off I'd be more eloquent

and less harsh. I wanted to be rude! (We all play a

role in Maa's leela and I consider myself one of

Siva's ganas that was sent to urinate and defecate on

Daksha's sacrifice for the way he insulted

Parameshwara and my Maa!)

I felt attacked. And I interpreted the attack as an

assault on the personal relationship that I have with

Maa. It reminded me of the distance I perceive there

to be when I'm trying so hard to adhere to " dharma "

that it takes up more of my head space than actually

spending time with Maa; feeling Her beautiful

pressence around me-even at party's, concerts, raves

and especially when I am drawing a picture of Her or

the " male " aspects of Her or film-making. Ditching the

dogma of ritualistic formality, as exemplified in the

poems by Ramprasad Sen, I feel closer to Her when I'm

just " doing " ; which we all know is ACTUALLY HER DOING!

Forgive me for blatantly saying " Bite me " .

I was working in my instinctive nature and my

superconscious nature was clouded with fear of

rejection; attack/defense; and guilt.

 

My pranaams to all of you,

Shyam.

 

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