The Effects of the Skewed Gender Ratio: Brides from Kerala

[Guest guest]

BARGAIN BRIDES

November 25, 2007

Indian Express

 

It's what you least expect to hear in a village in

Haryana. A smattering of Malayalam, English and

Hindi.

 

SHANTA

I talk to my family haath hila hila kar

 

It's what you least expect to hear in a village in

Haryana. A smattering of Malayalam, English and

Hindi. But for Shanta this is the only language of

communication.

She was married in March to one of the panchayat

members in Mundhal, a village in Hissar district, about

150 km from Delhi.

 

She's puzzled by our presence here today and even more

surprised that someone's asking for her and not her

husband. Her niece Jyoti, a Class IV student, is equally

interested in knowing why we want to know about her

newly married aunt who is still struggling with Hindi.

 

In the eight months that she has been in Mundhal,

Shanta, 27, who belongs to Kannur district in north

Kerala, has ever since been trying to learn ways of

surviving in this alien environment. She's confident she

shall master the language soon and get used to eating

rotis instead of rice, like a few of her other friends from

back home are now doing in different parts of Hissar.

 

So, how does she manage to get her point across to her

new family? ''Haath hila hila kar...'' she laughs.

 

Back home there was no one to teach her the language

or words she would need to know to express herself in a

new environment. So she convinced her brother to buy

her a Malayalam-Hindi dictionary. It's coming handy

now. In the middle of conversations, she turns to it

frequently.

 

''I can understand basic stuff but if people speak fast I

cannot understand anything. So I actually only speak to

amma (mother-in-law) and my husband,'' she says.

Her husband Devinder has little communication with her

and maintains that it her duty to learn the ways of his

world rather than him trying to devise a way of

communicating with her.

 

The mother-in-law Komal Devi, on the other hand, is a

petite woman who lost her husband years ago and is

more than happy to have some company and help

around the house. As the mother and daughter-in-law

spend more time with each other Komal Devi has even

learnt a few words of Malayalam. ''They call milk pal in

her land,'' she smiles.

 

But there's a lot that Shanta misses about home. She

misses having meals three times a day with three

different side dishes instead of the two meals and only

one side dish that she eats here.

 

The weather is the other thing that bothers her. ''The

temperatures are very extreme here, at home it never

gets so cold or so hot.''

 

Since her husband is a Jat, the food is strictly vegetarian.

The only times she gets to eat meat is when she goes

home.

 

She is one the few Malayali woman here who lives with

her husband's family. The rest have all set up their

nuclear families. But Shanta is happy to have her

mother-in-law around. ''She is the one who has helped

me the most in understanding the ways of this land.''

 

Her life up north may involve some adjustments but

getting used to purdah sure took its time.

 

''I fell down so many times even in the toilet before I

understood how to carry myself with all that cloth

around my head and face,'' she says.

 

In Surokhi village in Haryana's Hissar district, Srija

stands out. She's the only woman in the village who

does not pull out a veil every time a man walks into the

house. ''The women have to keep covering themselves

whenever someone comes into the house. I refuse to,''

she declares.

 

Haryana has finally met its match in Kerala.

 

Srija is one of the 150 women from Kerala who have

married into families in Haryana. They have broken a

few rules and have learnt to live by a few. In Haryana

this cultural clash-or assimilation-has coined a new

word: Kalyanam. That's the name given to this

phenomenon of peaceful-and sometimes not so

peaceful-co-existence: the marriage between women

from Kerala and men from Haryana.

 

Many would say it's a marriage borne of necessity.

Many say it is the result of an imbalanced sex ratio and

point out the state sex ratio: 1000 boys to 819 girls,

according to national statistics. They also say that a

recent UNFPA report has declared Haryana as being in a

" state of emergency " regarding its sex ratio.

And so the men from Hissar appear to have zeroed in on

Kerala for its brides.

 

Most women married into villages of patriarchal

Haryana tend to be submissive and a bit frightened of

the men around them, but the women from matrilineal

Kerala appear to have found ways to work around that.

 

In fact, often they lay conditions before agreeing to

marry men from Haryana.

 

Says Sirja who married and came to Haryana three years

ago, ''Here they just sit down anywhere they want to do

their stuff. I told them clearly that I would only marry

and move to this village if they built a toilet in the house

first.''

 

They agreed.

 

But they don't always get their way. Srija says her

biggest grouse against the people here is that they don't

let women go out to work. ''Mostly they are only

permitted to go to the field and back. At home all girls

my age worked somewhere.''

 

Despite the hiccups this cross-cultural marriage is going

strong. The trend began some ten years. Most of the

women come from one district in north Kerala, Kannur,

and once they are here they try and get back brides from

their villages. Radhika, who married just two months

ago, is one of them. She has already gone back to her

village to get a bride for her brother-in-law. In the last

three years the number of brides coming from Kerala

has gone substantially.

 

According to Raghubir, who married Shakuntala three

years ago, ''It is very expensive to get married in

Haryana. There is a shortage of women and then the

gotra doesn't match.'' Though no one openly talks about

the exchange of money at the time of marriage, they all

agree that the weddings down south end up much

cheaper. ''The expenditure on marriage is between Rs

35,000 and Rs 50,000. If the same wedding was to be

conducted in Haryana, it would cost over Rs 1.5 lakh.''

 

Perhaps these are marriages of convenience on both

sides, but there is definitely money changing hands.

While the Haryanvi families do not go to Kerala to get

their sons wed one male member from the girls family

comes to the house following the marriage.

 

No one is sure where or when this trend began, but the

oldest of such couples has been living in Hansi

Township for the last decade.

While in Kerala, the locals believe that a man from

Kannur district settled in Haryana long ago and thus

began the marriage of the two states, others say army

jawans began the trend.

Who began the trend is debatable but what is clear is

that it's here to stay.

 

BINDU

I was one of the first girls to come here from Kerala

''I don't think you would like to talk to me because I am

now know more Haryanvi than Malayali,''says Bindu,

who moved to Haryana almost eight years ago. Her two

school going children-a daughter and a son-can't

speak Malayalam and definitely prefer Haryana to

Kerala. ''They don't like going to Kerala because they

say don't get roti there,'' laughs Bindu.

 

She was a graduate when she married and works in a

local hospital now while her husband works at a soap

factory. ''We don't have much but it is more than

enough and it is definitely more than what I had when I

was in Kerala,'' she says.

 

''I was one of the first girls to come to Haryana from

Kerala, and many people ask me why I married a man

who dropped out of school. I tell them once you are

married you have to make the best of what you have.''

She says she has no regrets and is happy living with her

husband Vinod in a one-room house in Hansi.

 

''The girls who come here these days have too many

demands and don't know how to make a home. What we

were in Kerala is different and now that we are married

here we have to adapt to the ways here.''

The cultural differences have been many. ''In Kerala

people are not too particular about the money they

spend. Here they are very careful with their money and

all the new girls find that hard to deal with.''

 

But for all the differences, Bindu says her life in

Haryana is better than the one she had in Kerala.

''People back home gossip and complain a lot, and here

it is not like that.''

 

She goes home once a year and has got at least three

brides from Kerala for the bachelors in her house.

 

So, does she take a commission on that? ''I take the

money only for the travel and marriage expenditure. I

am very careful about the kind of girl I bring... because

if she is not able to adapt to the environment here, it will

reflect badly on me.''

Though most couples have managed to iron out their

differences, in two cases, says Bindu, the marriage

didn't work and the girls went home.

 

SUDHA

I am the only one to wear a sari here

Sudha's dress code sets her apart. The 31-year-old is

dressed in a sari in the land of the salwar-kameez. ''My

sister-in-law really likes it and so I don't face any

opposition in the house like other Kerala women here.

People here usually only wear salwar-kameez,'' says

Sudha, who married Bijender about a year-and-a half

ago and now lives in Hansi township, 175 km from

Delhi.

While Sudha studied till Class XII, her husband is a

class IV dropout. How did she agree to the match?

'

'Well, I am old and who would marry me back home.

Here I have a house and husband who needs me as much

as I need him so it is not too difficult to get used to the

different ways of this state.''

 

''Back home one has to pay too much money to get

married to a Malayali and with two unmarried sisters

and no real source of income in the house after my

father died 15 years ago, I chose to get married here,''

she adds.

 

The couple has a one-year-old daughter. ''We have to

take extra care of her because she has a hole in her heart.

As she gets better medical care in Kerala, I let my wife

spend eight months at a stretch with her parents,'' says

Bijender.

Although he says he had to marry out of Haryana

because he couldn't find anyone in the state, he's still

hung upon a male heir.

 

In Kannur, Sudha worked with a printing press for over

ten years to put her two sisters and brother through

school and college. ''I don't like sitting at home, but as

my daughter Devika is too small and unwell I have to

stay at home. Also I don't follow the language though I

hope to master that and in a few years I would like to

work and help my husband economically.''

 

SUWIDHA

I asked for salt and she brought everything from a knife

to a cup

HER wedding took place just four days ago and though

she's yet to understand the language and the high-decibel

conversations in her new home, she's confident she'll

get used to it. ''In time I will get used to it here and then

I will probably hate going back to Kerala,'' says 24-

year-old Suwidha.

 

The language barrier has been given the family a few

laughs though. ''The day after the wedding, I kept

asking for salt and she brought everything from a knife

to a teacup from the kitchen. Everything but salt,''

laughs her husband Darshan.

But he's not too perturbed about it. ''She will learn soon

enough. It is her duty to serve the family she has been

brought into.''

 

He's quite clear on why he married her. ''I have only

brought her here to help my mother. I have seen the

wives of my elder brothers and all they do is fight. I

want a peaceful home, that is why I married her,'' says

Darshan, who has two elder brothers and runs a canteen

in Hissar.

 

Suwidha's father who is visiting the couple says, ''I had

just come to see what the house and family members are

like, since no one from the boy's family came to the

wedding and I am quite sure my daughter will be happy

here.''

In Haryana one is not used to seeing a newly wed girl

coming forward and acting on her own accord in the

presence of men and the elders of the house. But

Suwidha seems completely at home pulling her husband

before strangers and the family to comb his hair or

showing their wedding album.

 

She is unsure of her role in the household activities yet,

but is quite content as Darshan is keen on showing off

his wife to the community. Today, they are headed to

another Malayali-Haryanvi couple's house for lunch.

 

Suwidha's mother-in-law has little to say about the

hustle and bustle in the house except that her daughter-

in-law will soon get used to her new surroundings. ''I

will definitely help her learn the ways of this house after

all my son chose to marry her and it is all for his well-

being that I am concerned.''

 

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