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[Guest guest]

Dear jagbir,

before i came to sahaja yoga i was going through a deep

personal crisis.i had a lot of anxiety regarding my studies and my

family problems.in fact i even consulted a psychologist who told me

that my main problem was my negative thinking .

anyway i regained my faith in divine and used to meditate on shri

shiva's ling form keeping out all other thoughts.this method was

extremely useful to me to avoid negative thoughts and to keep my

attention clean.in fact i did not visit the psychologist again

knowing that if i could control my excessive thinking i could cure

myself of all negative disorders.so i went through this critical

phase having absolute faith in shiva's power and prayed deeply for

guidance from divine.

 

i had the opportunity to go on a pilgramage of sorts to some holy

temples and i always prayed to the deity for guidance and divine help.

In one of the temple publications i had read about the kundalini and

on my return i found posters pasted on bus stops regarding the public

program of kundalini awakening by shri mataji.at the public program

and also especially at the followups i felt a blast of air at

sahasrara and became thoughtless. probably my practice of keeping my

attention on shiva's ling helped in keeping the attention pure and

helped me gain such a beautiful thoughtless state.

 

however the SYs at the program forbade me from going to temples

saying that there was no point in going there.also they told me to

keep all idols of god aside and keep only shri mataji's photo while

meditating.when i told one of them regarding my anxieties and my

previous visit to the psychologist ,she advised me never to go to the

psychologist again . all this admonishing seemed too much to a person

like me who through faith in god was coming out of a critical phase.

all this talk was also a distraction from the thoughtless

meditation .however my biggest mistake was listening to all this

talk of SYs some of whom think that new seekers are an ideal

audience for their lectures.

also i had my confusions regarding shri mataji and some SYs attitude

further confused me and then i stopped getting the thoughtless

state.during this period i underwent one of the most painful times of

my life the scars of which have still not healed.

my father who i always held responsible for all my anxieties created

some more anxiety at home.however unlike in the past i did not take

recourse to meditation on my favourite deity(shiva's ling form )nor

did i go to the psychologist for counselling.the reason was the

confusion created in my mind .

since i was new to sahaj my faith in shri mataji was not established.

i personally feel that if i had gone to the psychologist for

counselling i would have prevented some damage to my psyche.also the

generalised manner in which SYs tell newcomers to stop believing in

everything else was very confusing.

anyway i suffered badly due to those moments in my life .my anger

towards my parents has still not gone even though this incident

happened a few years ago.

i feel that perhaps i would have appreciated SY more if i had been

exlained more logically keeping in mind my sensitivities since i was

a new seeker.

i know this is a long letter but i felt like telling you about my

experience.also some other incidents almost made me leave the

collective forever.

maybe the fault was with me.but nothing justifies the overbearing

attitude of some seniors who advised me at that time.

 

thanks for the forum,

regards,

tiger