How I Lost Faith: How the end of religion can be the beginning of God

[Guest guest]

How I Lost Faith: How the end of religion can be the beginning of

God By: Tijn Touber

 

Religion seems to get in the way of our true connection with God. It

seems only to connect people with others looking for the one pure

faith, notes Ode senior editor Tijn Touber, which leads to the

formation of more sects. That's why he recently severed his years-

long connection with the spiritual community he belonged to—an

Indian Raja Yoga institute—and now believes that spirituality's

future may depend on dismantling the houses of the holy.

 

Two years ago I lost my faith. After 14 years of nearly

uninterrupted focus on God and spiritual growth I was suddenly done.

I had lived like a monk. Granted, I was in the midst of modern life

and not in a cloister. Yet I was celibate, vegetarian, didn't use

drugs, alcohol or other mind-altering substances and got up every

day at 4:00 a.m. to practice meditation.

 

So why was I suddenly done with all that? I came to the conclusion

that I had fallen prey to one of the chronic illnesses of our time:

organized religion. Increasingly, my thoughts had become rote and

routine. My own experiences served less and less as my guide, and my

actions were increasingly ruled by the concepts, rules and dogmas of

my religious community. The Buddhists have a wonderful word for what

I had lost: " beginner's mind " .

 

In those 14 years I had an answer for everything. What God is, where

we come from, where we are going, what the meaning of life is, why

the world is such a mess. People came to me for advice and, without

skipping a beat, I directed them to God. Well, to my God. It all

worked fine, until doubts started to creep in. Not so much about God

or the wisdom I had acquired; I mainly doubted the value of my

teachings and advice. I saw all too often that people followed what

I said only to get caught up in " manmade " belief systems.

 

In the non-traditional religions and new age-like movements, you

often see that structured perceptions of God cause people to become

rigid and smothered. They give up everything they have for gurus,

turn their backs on friends and family, dress in exotic clothes and

adopt foreign customs in hopes of getting closer to God. They switch

off their common sense in favor of the newly adopted moral frame of

mind. Feeling is replaced by a checklist of the organization's

rules.

 

Of course not everyone falls prey to blind obedience. Many learn

from their experiences and remain open, but the sway of such

spiritual groups is strong and it takes integrity and courage to

resist the prevailing dogmas. And it takes a lot of insight, because

you often can't see the moral assumptions of the group's culture.

The bible tells us that humans are " insignificant " and " tend toward

evil. " But is that true? We learn that Allah will reward us in

heaven if we sacrifice for him in this life. But is that true? Who

has so much insight that they are capable of putting their own moral

context in perspective? Are fish aware of the water they swim in?

Several years ago I spoke with the Episcopal priest Lloyd Casson,

who at that time was the vicar of Trinity Church, the prestigious

church on Wall Street in New York. I will never forget what he said

when I asked him why religious and spiritual leaders often think in

such a restricted way and prescribe such damaging rules to their

disciples. I cited examples such as confession and penance, harsh

discipline, original sin, numbing rituals. The priest went quiet for

a moment, perhaps considering whether he should say something or

not. Then he sat up straight: " Most religious leaders barely have

the time to connect with God. They aren't practicing religion, but

politics. These are senior civil servants whose hands are full

keeping the institution running. Their primary concern

is " recruiting souls. "

 

The word " religion " is derived from the Latin word religare

meaning " to reconnect with God " . Religare is said to come from the

Sanskrit word yogum, meaning " integration " or " unity " . Isn't it

ironic that the top ranks of the religious and spiritual world

apparently have little time to connect with God? The history of

organized belief is teeming with efforts to hand down laws and

recruit souls. Very successfully, it seems. Only 14 percent of the

world's population is officially non-religious. The rest is divided

among Christianity (33 percent), Islam (22 percent), Hinduism (15

percent), Buddhism (6 percent) and smaller branches (10 percent),

including indigenous faiths and new age movements.

 

The beginning of the end of my self-imposed monk's existence came

when I uttered three simple words: " I don't know. " It was during a

class in which questions were being fired at me one after the other.

Personal problems, theological disputes, spiritual experiences—I was

there to provide clarity. But no more, I thought. And why? Because I

didn't know the answers. And I decided to say so.

 

I was greatly relieved. And I wasn't the only one—so were my

students. Which is logical really, because we were suddenly sitting

together as equals, as seekers looking out for one another on a new

path to wisdom. I could learn from them, too. I could open up and

receive. I decided that from then on I would go only with my own

experience and not with a " truth " I had learned by rote.

 

I decided to stop teaching and haven't for the past two years. Now

all I do, I sometimes say jokingly, is make tea. Every two weeks

people come over to my house to share their experiences—sometimes

spiritual, sometimes not—and to meditate or pray together. Every

imaginable topic is discussed and each one of us seems to have our

own way of experiencing God and life.

 

How would it be if spiritual leaders were to meet one another like

this? How freeing would it be if they were able to step out of their

scholarly convictions for awhile and respectfully bow their heads

toward each others' mutual religious efforts. After all, what do we

really know about God or a potential hereafter? What do we

understand about creation? The more you begin to grasp it, the

greater the miracle becomes and the more you recognize that you

really don't understand very much at all. Isn't it arrogant to

pretend that you know God and know what he or she wants? Aren't you

then implying that you are God's equal? (Which may well be the case,

but that's another story.)

 

Imposing your God on someone else is the height of arrogance. When

you force your truth on someone, you reject his or her experience.

It's like saying: " What you feel and think and have seen is no

good. " By rejecting a fellow human being this way, you actually

reject creation, which is God's creation, right? You take it upon

yourself to pass judgement based on your moral assumptions and

theories that cannot be proved. You become blind to the truth, which

is that there are different people with different experiences. You

live in denial and separate yourself from the larger whole, which

means that you automatically separate yourself from God.

 

So religion was meant to reconnect us with God. And of course this

happens too; there are wonderful people who do the most amazing

things thanks to their belief. Based on a rock-solid Hindu faith,

Gandhi was able to drive the British out of his country with little

bloodshed. The Christian church played a major role in abolishing

apartheid in South Africa and the Islamic zaqat tax system—whereby

2.5 percent of income goes to charity—shows how magnanimous

religions can be. Apart from the inspiring lives of Jesus, Buddha

and Mohammed, more recent history has also shown that religious

figures can create miracles, just think of Mother Teresa, the Dalai

Lama and Martin Luther King.

 

But organized religious movements do not, by definition, connect

people with God. They primarily connect people with one another,

which leads to the formation of sects that live based on the

same " truth " . When one such group no longer respects the truth of

another group, the two butt heads. Ultimately, the result is not

connection, but separation and division.

 

If a religion leads to division, is it still a religion? How can you

claim to be connected with God if you turn away from your fellow

human beings? To what level have you sunk as a " religious "

or " spiritual " person if you believe you can reject, convert or even

attack the dissidents among us in the name of God? What's left of

God if we commit crimes in his or her name? Instead of gaining

inspiration from a benevolent God that represents all that is

beautiful and true, God is debased and corrupted. God is made to do

our dirty work. God is elevated to a supreme authority that will

sort out our problems. Children do that when they're afraid. They

use their father to threaten others: " If you don't stop I'll get my

dad and he can beat up your dad. " Religious sectarians cry, " My

father is God. " And the more afraid they are, the louder they cry.

 

Why are we so afraid? Probably because we are so unsure. When I feel

unsure, I try even harder to have the last word, as if I want to

convince myself too. I'm thinking that the more people who agree

with me, the more my uncertain " truth " will become " true " . If,

however, I'm really sure about something and feel it deep inside, I

don't need to convince anyone else.

 

When I was able to admit that " I don't know, " space was suddenly

created in my life for authentic experiences. And those experiences—

how paradoxical!—are often so intense they give me more certainty

and trust than I get from earlier deeply-held spiritual beliefs.

Intellectual concepts about how something must be get in the way of

experiencing what is.

 

The founders of new religions, who true believers now worship,

didn't allow themselves to be led by the prevailing dogmas of their

time, but were open to a new reality. They followed their own sense

and their own feeling. They weren't disciples or rule makers but

inspiring individuals who pointed to the greatness of God and to

creation. After they passed away, more and more rules, dogmas,

commands, mores, codes, missions, credos and laws were created. It

is a known fact that Christians are often more righteous than Jesus,

just as Marxists are more doctrinaire than Marx.

 

The true value of a religious persuasion lies not in its moral codes

or religious texts and writings. The value of every life philosophy—

whether it be Islamic, capitalistic, scientific, agnostic or

anarchistic—can be seen in the happiness and well-being of those who

believe in it. This is a generalization, but if you want to know

whether the Bible is right, look at Christians around the world. How

do they treat one another, the planet, their children, their money,

dissidents? How healthy are they, how happy is the expression on

their faces, how warm-hearted are they?

 

If it appears that a particular faith seems to instill misery, it's

time to consider revisions. This is not just about unconscious and

deeply-rooted thought patterns, but about what we have chosen to

call " holy " .

 

Re-examining our concepts about God, creation and the hereafter

feels like pulling the rug out from under civilization. Religious

convictions are at the very foundation of our thinking, but also

form the basis of our pain. The fall from grace, the separation from

God, the separation from the goddess, the loss of innocence,

original sin, the burden of guilt, the fear of sinful acts and an

omnipresent, wrathful and vengeful God color many people's

perceptions of existence. Not to mention the concepts that encourage

surrendering to a higher authority without question; the wrenching

choice between humanity and God; the degradation of feelings,

emotions and desires; and—last but not least—the way humans are

nullified by hierarchical structures with God at the top of the

pyramid.

 

The crisis currently facing many religions could end up being a good

thing. Aversion to fundamentalist thinking is increasing

exponentially now that religions are showing their worst side. A few

years ago, religious groups may have been able to get away with

attacking one another to prove they were right. But that's becoming

a thing of the past. You don't have to wear flowers in your hair to

understand that humanity cannot afford such childish behavior.

Weapons of mass destruction have made that impossible. Our backs are

up against the wall—a wall we've built ourselves to protect us

against the uncertainty of earthly existence.

 

How do you break down such walls? The first step is to realize that

the wall is an illusion. The wall only exists in your own mind and

consists of ideas, concepts and convictions you've adopted. The good

news is, you can always go back to who you were before you started

building the wall. For me it was simply a matter of sitting

silently, breathing deeply, smiling and tuning into the beautiful

world inside. The emotion I felt was so great that no wall can

withstand it.

 

Along with re-establishing contact with your own deepest core, it's

also useful to revise the religious concepts that determine your

life. Are they working for or against you? You can still gain

inspiration from religious texts and age-old stories as long as you

are aware that they are stories. Nothing more, nothing less. I often

forget what I did yesterday, let alone remember what someone else

did 2,000 years ago.

 

Another concept worth reconsidering is that " knowing " will lead to

wisdom. This drives us to get to the bottom of the truth. But maybe

it's better not to understand everything. Maybe the point of life is

not about getting to the bottom of it. Maybe it's simply about

living for the sake of living. Maybe life doesn't have any deeper

meaning than the meaning that you give it each moment. It can be

liberating to keep the mystery intact instead of wanting to unravel

it, explain it, write it down and proclaim you've uncovered the

ultimate " truth " . For me, in any case, saying " I don't know " ,

sitting in silence and being open to listen offers more insight than

a rational analysis or a logical explanation.

 

Of course it's dead scary to let go of the certainties we've

adopted. I spent months immersed in doubt. Who was I, now that I had

turned away from the identity I lived and breathed for 14 years?

There was a gaping emptiness, as if paradise were lost. Not only

later, but also now, here. Nothing was certain anymore, nothing was

fixed. I had landed on earth and was suddenly facing life alone.

There wasn't a single authority I could turn to. And precisely then,

in the depths of that fear, I found myself smiling. It may have been

scary and lonely, but it was real. Now that there wasn't anyone to

trust blindly, I rediscovered my own navigational system, which

enabled me to live based increasingly on my own inner wisdom.

 

The moment I rediscovered myself, God reappeared in my life. Not the

God of Christianity, Islam or any other organized faith, but my God.

I no longer have to prove, explain or praise this God. I only have

to experience God, which makes my life even more rich and beautiful.

It's wonderful to believe in a beautiful, true God. It provides hope

and inspiration and gives my life a deeper meaning.

 

I've noticed that belief and common sense can coexist quite well

together. They are not antitheses but different realities that can

live side by side. I cannot and do not have to explain God in order

to believe in him (her?, it? them?). Part of me has a great need for

religion, spirituality, mysticism, rituals and unconditional

surrender to a higher power. Another part is critical and tests

mystical experiences against practical reality. Faith is beautiful,

as long as it does not become blind.

 

When I let go of my blind faith, more space was created within me

for religious, mystical or spiritual experiences. A head full of

facts and details was no longer standing in the way, which allowed

the heart to speak. Losing my faith was the best thing that could

have happened to me, because now I can believe again.

 

How I Lost Faith: How the end of religion can be the beginning of

God http://www.operationrebirth.com/ttouber.html