Fwd: Controlling Anger -- Before It Controls You

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Hare Krsna.Uncontrolled Anger is dangerous. The best way to control Anger: just stop what you are doing and chant Hare Krsna mahamantra,a few times, all the while smiling and thanking Bhagavan. It's extremely difficult to be angry and become out of control while you are chanting Bhagavan's name. This is a temporary restraining method. Akrodha means to check anger. Even if there is

provocation one should be tolerant, for once one becomes angry his

whole body becomes polluted. Anger is a product of the modes of passion

and lust, so one who is transcendentally situated should check himself

from anger. Apaisunam means that one should not find fault with

others or correct them unnecessarily. Srila Prabhupada GITA 16 -1/3From

anger, delusion arises, and from delusion bewilderment of memory. When

memory is bewildered, intelligence is lost, and when intelligence is

lost, one falls down again into the material pool.

GITA 2:63Controlling Anger -- Before It Controls You We all know what anger is, and we've all felt it: whether as a fleeting annoyance or as full-fledged rage. Anger

is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it

gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to

problems—problems at work, in your personal relationships, and in the

overall quality of your life. And it can make you feel as though you're

at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion. This brochure is

meant to help you understand and control anger. What is Anger? The Nature of Anger Anger

is "an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to

intense fury and rage," according to Charles Spielberger, PhD, a

psychologist who specializes in the study of anger. Like other

emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes;

when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the

levels of your energy hormones, adrenaline, and noradrenaline. Anger

can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry

at a specific person (Such as a coworker or supervisor) or event (a

traffic jam, a canceled flight), or your anger could be caused by

worrying or brooding about your personal problems. Memories of

traumatic or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings. Expressing Anger The

instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively.

Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful,

often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and

to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger,

therefore, is necessary to our survival. On the other hand, we

can't physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or

annoys us; laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how far

our anger can take us. People use a variety of both conscious and

unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main

approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming. Expressing your

angry feelings in an assertive—not aggressive—manner is the healthiest

way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear

what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others.

Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being

respectful of yourself and others. Anger

can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when

you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something

positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it

into more constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is

that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your anger can turn

inward—on yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high

blood pressure, or depression. Unexpressed anger can create other

problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as

passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without

telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a

personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are

constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making

cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively express their

anger. Not surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful

relationships. Finally,

you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward

behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to

lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings

subside. As Dr. Spielberger notes, "when none of these three techniques work, that's when someone—or something—is going to get hurt." Anger Management The

goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and

the physiological arousal that anger causes. You can't get rid of, or

avoid, the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change

them, but you can learn to control your reactions. Are You Too Angry? There

are psychological tests that measure the intensity of angry feelings,

how prone to anger you are, and how well you handle it. But chances are

good that if you do have a problem with anger, you already know it. If

you find yourself acting in ways that seem out of control and

frightening, you might need help finding better ways to deal with this

emotion. Why Are Some People More Angry Than Others? According

to Jerry Deffenbacher, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in anger

management, some people really are more "hotheaded" than others are;

they get angry more easily and more intensely than the average person

does. There are also those who don't show their anger in loud

spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily

angered people don't always curse and throw things; sometimes they

withdraw socially, sulk, or get physically ill. People who are

easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low

tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they

should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or

annoyance. They can't take things in stride, and they're particularly

infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust: for example, being

corrected for a minor mistake. What

makes these people this way? A number of things. One cause may be

genetic or physiological: There is evidence that some children are born

irritable, touchy, and easily angered, and that these signs are present

from a very early age. Another may be sociocultural. Anger is often

regarded as negative; we're taught that it's all right to express

anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express anger. As a

result, we don't learn how to handle it or channel it constructively. Research

has also found that family background plays a role. Typically, people

who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic,

and not skilled at emotional communications. Is It Good To

"Let it All Hang Out?" Psychologists

now say that this is a dangerous myth. Some people use this theory as a

license to hurt others. Research has found that "letting it rip" with

anger actually escalates anger and aggression and does nothing to help

you (or the person you're angry with) resolve the situation. It's

best to find out what it is that triggers your anger, and then to

develop strategies to keep those triggers from tipping you over the

edge. Strategies To Keep Anger At Bay Relaxation Simple

relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help

calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach

you relaxation techniques, and once you learn the techniques, you can

call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship

where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both

of you to learn these techniques. Some simple steps you can try: Breathe deeply, from

your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your

breath coming up from your "gut." Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax,take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply. Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination. Nonstrenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer. Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're in a tense situation. Cognitive Restructuring Simply

put, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse,

swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner

thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and

overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones.

For instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's

terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and

it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of

the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow." Be

careful of words like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself

or someone else. "This ! & *%@ machine never works," or "you're

always forgetting things" are not just inaccurate, they also serve to

make you feel that your anger is justified and that there's no way to

solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might

otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution. Remind

yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't

make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse). Logic

defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly

become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself

that the world is "not out to get you," you're just experiencing some

of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger

getting the best of you, and it'll help you get a more balanced

perspective. Angry people tend to demand things: fairness,

appreciation, agreement, willingness to do things their way. Everyone

wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don't

get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands aren't

met, their disappointment becomes anger. As part of their cognitive

restructuring, angry people need to become aware of their demanding

nature and translate their expectations into desires. In other words,

saying, "I would like" something is healthier than saying, "I demand"

or "I must have" something. When you're unable to get what you want,

you will experience the normal reactions—frustration, disappointment,

hurt—but not anger. Some angry people use this anger as a way to avoid

feeling hurt, but that doesn't mean the hurt goes away. Problem Solving Sometimes, our anger

and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our

lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural

response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that

every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find

out that this isn't always the case. The best attitude to bring to such

a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather

on how you handle and face the problem. Make a plan, and check

your progress along the way. Resolve to give it your best, but also not

to punish yourself if an answer doesn't come right away. If you can

approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make a serious

attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience

and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get

solved right away. Better Communication Angry

people tend to jump to—and act on—conclusions, and some of those

conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you're in

a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses.

Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and

think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen

carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before

answering. Listen,

too, to what is underlying the anger. For instance, you like a certain

amount of freedom and personal space, and your "significant other"

wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining

about your activities, don't retaliate by painting your partner as a

jailer, a warden, or an albatross around your neck. It's natural

to get defensive when you're criticized, but don't fight back. Instead,

listen to what's underlying the words: the message that this person

might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient

questioning on your part, and it may require some breathing space, but

don't let your anger—or a partner's—let a discussion spin out of

control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a

disastrous one. Using Humor "Silly

humor" can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can

help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call

someone a name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and

picture what that word would literally look like. If you're at work and

you think of a coworker as a "dirtbag" or a "single-cell life form,"

for example, picture a large bag full of dirt (or an amoeba) sitting at

your colleague's desk, talking on the phone, going to meetings. Do this

whenever a name comes into your head about another person. If you can,

draw a picture of what the actual thing might look like. This will take

a lot of the edge off your fury; and humor can always be relied on to

help unknot a tense situation. The underlying message of highly angry people, Dr.

Deffenbacher says, is "things oughta go my way!" Angry people tend to

feel that they are morally right, that any blocking or changing of

their plans is an unbearable indignity and that they should NOT have to

suffer this way. Maybe other people do, but not them! When you

feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a

supreme ruler, who owns the streets and stores and office space,

striding alone and having your way in all situations while others defer

to you. The more detail you can get into your imaginary scenes, the

more chances you have to realize that maybe you are being unreasonable;

you'll also realize how unimportant the things you're angry about

really are. There are two cautions in using humor. First, don't try to

just "laugh off" your problems; rather, use humor to help yourself face

them more constructively. Second, don't give in to harsh, sarcastic

humor; that's just another form of unhealthy anger expression. What these

techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself too seriously.

Anger is a serious emotion, but it's often accompanied by ideas that,

if examined, can make you laugh. Changing Your Environment Sometimes

it's our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and

fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel

angry at the "trap" you seem to have fallen into and all the people and

things that form that trap. Give yourself a break. Make sure you

have some "personal time" scheduled for times of the day that you know

are particularly stressful. One example is the working mother who has a

standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first 15

minutes "nobody talks to Mom unless the house is on fire." After this

brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands from her

kids without blowing up at them. Some Other

Tips for Easing Up on Yourself Timing:

If you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at

night—perhaps you're tired, or distracted, or maybe it's just habit—try

changing the times when you talk about important matters so these talks

don't turn into arguments. Avoidance: If your child's chaotic

room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut the door. Don't

make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don't say, "well, my child

should clean up the room so I won't have to be angry!" That's not the

point. The point is to keep yourself calm. Finding alternatives:

If your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and

frustration, give yourself a project—learn or map out a different

route, one that's less congested or more scenic. Or find another

alternative, such as a bus or commuter train. Do You Need Counseling? If

you feel that your anger is really out of control, if it is having an

impact on your relationships and on important parts of your life, you

might consider counseling to learn how to handle it better. A

psychologist or other licensed mental health professional can work with

you in developing a range of techniques for changing your thinking and

your behavior. When

you talk to a prospective therapist, tell her or him that you have

problems with anger that you want to work on, and ask about his or her

approach to anger management. Make sure this isn't only a course of

action designed to "put you in touch with your feelings and express

them"—that may be precisely what your problem is. With counseling,

psychologists say, a highly angry person can move closer to a middle

range of anger in about 8 to 10 weeks, depending on the circumstances

and the techniques used. What About Assertiveness Training? It's

true that angry people need to learn to become assertive (rather than

aggressive), but most books and courses on developing assertiveness are

aimed at people who don't feel enough anger. These people are more

passive and acquiescent than the average person; they tend to let

others walk all over them. That isn't something that most angry people

do. Still, these books can contain some useful tactics to use in

frustrating situations. Remember,

you can't eliminate anger—and it wouldn't be a good idea if you could.

In spite of all your efforts, things will happen that will cause you

anger; and sometimes it will be justifiable anger. Life will be filled

with frustration, pain, loss, and the unpredictable actions of others.

You can't change that; but you can change the way you let such events

affect you. Controlling your angry responses can keep them from making

you even more unhappy in the long run.

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