Need Advice - What is my Role as a Son and a Husband?

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Shree Hari Ram Ram

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Jai Durga mai!!

I need your advice on a personal issue. Before I start, I do apologize if this mail is of any inconvenience to the forum. All I want is if some of you can spiritually direct me to the correct path. I am married and working in a foreign country. I am a single son to my parents and I love my parents, a lot. Before I got married, my parents encouraged me to choose a girl of my choice, although an arranged marriage. After their consent that they will stay with me in their old age in this foreign country, I chose a bride who was career oriented and intended to settle down in the foreign country (those were the only requests, my wife had).

I call my parents everyday, although, physically away, we are emotionally much attached. Everything was going great, awesome parents, who would move in with me eventually and a loving wife.

Things have become very stressful for me since a couple of months. When I call my parents, my mother is always depressed and wants me to go back and be around them. They have changed their stance and no longer want to come here and stay with me, but they want me to go back to them.

I indirectly brought up the topic of going back to my home country with my wife. She was not at all happy about the idea of going back. I don't care about my career, my family comes up first, and I am willing to leave my aspirations for my family. I love my wife too… Being selfish, should I force my wife to come with me to my home country or be a disappointment to her and go to my parents?... Either way, if I stay back with my wife or go back to my parents…I will carry guilt throughout my life towards either one of them….

Please advice, what is right…..

Namasthae Ji,

Mohan

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NEW POSTING

-Shree Hari-Dear Mohan,I have pasted in parts of your post:'I chose a bride who was career oriented and intended to settle down in the foreign country (those were the only requests, my wife had).

I call my parents everyday, although, physically away, we are emotionally much attached.

They have changed their stance and no longer want to come here and stay with me, but they want me to go back to them.

I indirectly brought up the topic of going back to my home country with my wife. She was not at all happy about the idea of going back. I don't care about my career, my family comes up first, and I am willing to leave my aspirations for my family.'

Why did you choose a wife who had this one request?

"We are emotionally much attached" Attachment causes pain.Notice,"I call my parents everyday ", not, "We call my parents everyday'.

It was they that changed their stance, not you, notice also you wrote, "They want me to go back to them", 'Me', not 'Us'.

Whom Dear Sir is your family?

Never the less you contacted this Divine Forum, and thus by doing this, you are stepping outside the square by proxy.

 

swamiramsukhdasji.netQuote: 38As long as there is pride and selfishness, till then there cannot be love for anyone.I think it would be most wise to dwell on that quote!

Also I'm not sure where your wife stands, regarding your parents staying with you in their old age?But the point is your offer stands, regarding them staying with you, you offered that as an obligation, it was they that turned their back on that.

I will paste in a Shloka from Bhagavadgita, not that you or I have obtained that Divine state, but as a lens to view your situation. (Always aiming to obtaining that state):

Sadhaka-Sanjivani (English page 1569): 14:23 He who like one unconcerned, is not moved by the modes of nature and established in the self remains apathetic without wavering, knows that it is only the modes that act.

Swamiji's comments summarized, says a person that observes a fight between two people but is indifferent, has risen above the three Gunas.

Om...Shanti...

Mike. (K)

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Dear Mohanji,The problem you have written is of great practical importance.My belief is in certain situations like this you have to sit silentlyin deep meditative mood , meaning in deep thoughtless meditation afterposting the question to your mind " this is my problem , what shallbe the best solution?"After some time , may be in moments, days or months , a clear rightanswer will emerge from the core of your inner consciousness.Please follow that .Once having the clear answer please follow the answer , to begin withby convincing through emotional "love". i believe through trueunfretted and selfless " love" many complex insoluble problems may besolved most beautifully.Thanks and best regards,

"rathindra prasad lahiri"

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Dear Sadhakas, Namaste!My answer is in line with Sushilji, Gauravji, Sarvottamji, Ashokji, Shankarprasadji.Parents can help and serve children well if they give them freedom to carry their lives suitable to the culture in which they are placed, and not necessarily born. Why to possess anyone even if one is your parent, child, spouse, friend? Real Freedom comes from giving "freedom" to others. There are not "two freedoms". Such Freedom is itself "Unconditional Love" going beyond "duty". Duty needs "love" for its fulfillment and finally yields to "Love". I do not know the base for such a decision, all I know is that when someone in such a position makes decision based on guilt or self-pity, it never turns out to be a good decision. Give yourself more time to think it through with spouse, children and parents as well. Decision cannot be made by one person when others are affected. rather, it should be by all involved and one that benefits "all" including the interest of one who makes such a decision. First sincerely consider it to be a blessing of God before making a decision one way or the other! This will give strength to accept whatever happens once the decision is made.Based on the situation pointed out by Mohanji, apparently it does not make sense to uproot the base where both seems to be doing well and start all over again. Parents can be taken care of by ways suggested by other Sadhaks.I see this as a win-win situation for both Parents, Mohanji, and his family, provided parents can be more objective. It is one thing for children to love and care for parents unconditionally and yet it is more of a duty of parents to fully participate and see the welfare of children above all. Our best wishes are with Mohanji!Namaskar..........Pratap Bhatt

 

 

Jai Durga Mai,

I am so thankful for you blessings and fortunate to have your support. As one of you asked me as to why my parents changed their stance and wanted me to go back to my hometown and stay with them; I have included the information in the below paragraph.

We have an extended family and everything was perfect when I was back at my hometown. After I moved out, my father's own brothers brought legal disputes to grab the property from my father (my father had worked very hard, saving pennies towards building his property). Although, my father supported his brothers in all ways, so that they would succeed in their life, they never cared to work hard to achieve, but took all his help and resources. Now when I am out in a different country, my father's brothers want my father's property too and the only excuse they are saying is "your son will never come back since he is out in a foreign country and so give us your property".

My father has to go to court all the time and his brothers are putting more legal cases and harassing my parents into give up the property, which is spoiling my parent's health. I know, my father will never give away what he saved for so many years. It would take years for my parents to resolve these legal issues, and they want me to be there. By this whole ordeal, my parents have even lost the interest of coming here and want to spend their time back home. I don't care about the property, All I wish for is my parents health and happiness..

Me and my wife would love for my parents to be with us here, and my wife doesn't want to go back.

These issues have been eating me up from inside and I have had many a sleepless nights. Please do help me to do the right thing……

I am ever indebted for your spiritual suggestions and guidance during my confusion.

Namasthae Ji,

Mohan

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Dear Mohan,

there is no cause to feel guilty for doing anything ordained by Dharma. The son should obey his parents and the wife should obey her husband. If one does not follow his/her Dharma, he is bound to suffer. You should discriminate between Shreyas, what is good and Preyas, what is pleasant if you want to live spiritual life.

Dr.Premji

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Dear Sadaks,Here the importance given first to parents. Secondly wife of Mohan should stay where ever Mohan stays is RULE of Bagavan. Read Pundaleekan history.If Mohan wife wants to be Paathivartham, she should be ready to stay even in a remote village with her husband. Sathyvan history is the principle tough by his wife about care on Mother father in law.B.Sathyanarayan-----

 

 

Hari OmDear Mohanji ! Welcome !! Simply obey the wish of your aged parents. . Your intentions are noble. Hence you will not be at fault vis a vis your better half in any case. A man can NEVER repay the debts of his parents. You can only get the debts pardoned by making them happy. MAKE THEM HAPPY. Go back to them. Don't even think as to what your parents told earlier and what they feel now. What ever they told in the past was a sacrosant direction for you; whatever they wish now is a direction for you. Move fast to them. Your duty is to merely obey them. Where is the scope for thinking ? There is no Question of any guilt arising in you, if you do your duty. You are at present feeling guilt because of not being able to do your duty. REMEMBER: No bad can ever happen to a human being by (even blindly)following the dictates of his parents.... NEVER !Be firm. Immediately go back to your parents. Your Shadow if it is your shadow, shall follow you. Time will later prove you right, and make your shadow feel proud of you.There will be enough time with you to please your wife later on. This present time belongs exclusively to your aged parents. Each and every minute of your separation with them is not proper.You owe everything you have got with you to the world. But you owe maximum to your parents. This body you have got from your parents. Even if you make shoes out of your skin, and offer the same to your mom, still the debt does not get repaid because the very skin is given to you by her only. Hence, your duty is to obey them, make them happy ! ONLY when you do so, you shall be said to have done your duty as prescribed by Scriptures. Lord Rama did exactly like that. He simply obeyed His parents and went to forest . He did not think. He obeyed. When Laxman objected , He said:"Laxman ! I am not a thinker (vichaarak). I am an obedient (agyaa- paalak) ."Mohanji ! If anywhere obedience pays the maximum and is mandatory : It is before your parents. Your mom is your first GURU. Nothing can be equal to her - Nothing- NOT EVEN GOD ..I repeat... NOT EVEN GOD can be as good as what is this human birth mother to a male !Jai Shree KrishnaVyas N B

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Shree Hari

Ram Ram

Brother, you are without any reason troubling yourself. Do not understand this to be anything more than the guilt of past and imagination / conjecturing of the future . Nothing of the sort will happen. The seven vows you have made to your wife, you fulfill those wishes. Even Sri Ram inspite of leaving his parents and going to many places with his wife, is called Bhagavan (God). Parents are leaving you on their own. where the mother is not fulfilling the conduct of - Girl with the parents, wife with the husband, and mother with the son remains safe and happy. when son grows up, and is managing his household, then parents living with him in a manner conducive to the son is cause of a happy environment. so be it.

vineet sarvottam

it is my sincere request to the sadhaks to understand this response properly and then reveal various points or else not.

Sarvottam

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Understanding the rules of life, why you are here, who you are, what do you want ultimately, what is your goal.... is the key to joyful life!

 

You are at the right forum and get the clarity...

 

some starters are ....

 

1. True love is unconditional.....i.e. no conditions at all....in your context - you should love your parents wherever they are, you need to respect their decision, their convenience, their angle too..... You can support them from wherever you are... If they wish to live with you that will be great.

 

2. Accept as the situation is. You desire something that things happen this way only...but it is not happening so you are not happy. Leave this desire and be happy.

 

3. Remember your happiness is most important. And you will feel really happy seeing your parents happy wherever they are....you can keep on doing what you need to do for them sitting in US.

 

Sushil Jain

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Dear Mohan,I know little about Bhagwat Gita, but can try to solve your dillema.Firstly, attachment to physical (which is subject to change) father,mother , wife or any one is not right and always cause of grief and confusion.Attach your self with the almighty, which is perpetual,ever-present(beyond the boundaries of country ) and without any risk of losing him.Yes, you have to perform detached duty (Seva) to serve your parents, hence make sure you are taking full care of your parents, like their health,religious trips,etc. inspite of being away from them.Physical closeness is not the key, the key is closeness of Atma to Atam.Being presnt with your parents, how will it give peace to them? Will they not regret seeing your career droping at the old age? Will they be happy at old days not finding you happy?Hence only medicine is "Do your duty as an good actor (not treating as real part) in the role of a son,husband and employee, have faith in the god, who is the director of the movie played in the world. OmAshok Misra-----------------------------

Hello my son,

 

I understand your dilemma. It in texture is not much different from Arjuna's dilemma. You have rather doting parents and a loving parents who hold diverse ambitions. It also brings out the male chauvanism that corrodes and infects humanity. First ask your self this question. Suppose your wife is the only child of her parents and they love her as much as your parents love you and she cares for them as much as you care for your parents. What would be your advise to her? Is a girl not entitled to fullfill her ambitions? You say you do not care about your career. Is it the correct attitude? Is your career for your sake alone? Do you know what a wife is? She is a part of your life. what you enjoy, what you suffer and what you are is her's too. You have married, and I am sure you are married as per Vedic rites.

In the wedding you two go around the sacred fire Making promises/oaths. She takes seven and you, the man, takes 10 oaths. Unfortunately our weddings are more funand frolic without caring for the oaths. A vedic marriage is finished only after the oaths are taken. Mangala Sootra etc are paerepherials.

 

One of the oath you take is to behave as per your wifes consent and anothe ris that you will treat her parents as yours. Another is that Your earnings are given to her and she is the boss. Now you tell me my boy, can you saY YOU CARE NOT FOR YOUE CAREER WHICH IS HER'S too. You have to behave as per her convenience. Of course, ther should be consensus. That is her oath. If she objects to your parents living with you (abroad) then she is guilty. Did she? I am sure not. YOU CAN NOT AND SHOULD NOT IGNORE HER EVEN IF IT DISPLEASES YOUR PARENTS. YOU, THRU THE MARRIAGE ARE DUTY BOUND TO BE WITH HER, BODILY, MENTALLY AND SPIRITUALLY.

 

Regarding your parents, understand me carefully. Myself and my wife are parents of two and my children live abroad engaged in their work. Both of us are old, manytimes helpless due to deficient sight and othe railments. We never bore our children with our ailments and helplessness. We enjoyed when we were younger; I worked in several parts of the world and country. Now it is their turn to enjoy. They should. We and our difficulties should not hinder their life and career. That is my duty.I never said to any of my children you come back to India and be with us throwing your career into dustbin. After all, how long are we going to live? Should the children suffer as long as we live? and lose opportunities at the proper age? It is injustice and cruel

 

Apart from this, There is an Aasrama dharma. Your parents like us have to go into Vaana Prastha Aasrama. This is th estage where they will cut off the bonds of Prakriti like son, daughter etc in stages and prepare themselves for the final leap. It may sound harsh. But that is the fact. We the older should not bind the younger by our selfish love and be bound by the younger. You mustt be free to do your duty as husband and we must be free not to anything that hinders your duty.

 

Right, parents bring up the children as it is their duty. They should not do this (or any other duty) as an investment; just as duty. This is what

 

Karmani eva adhikara aste Maa phaleshu kadaacanh

Maa Karma phala hetuh bhoo Maa te sango astu akarmani

 

Not reading but implementing in real life is worshipping Gita.

 

Concluding my child, in your case the fault is with you, your parents unable tto go into Vaana Prastha. Your wife (God Bless her) is not at fault as long as she does not object to your parents staying with you.

 

ITI TE DNYAANAM AKHYAATAM GUHYAAT GUHYATAMAM MAYAA

VIMRISYA ETAT ASESHENA YATHA ICCHASI TATHAA KURU

 

I have explaine d to you something which ought to make you think. Analyse this and decide as per your analysis. That you are the only child of Your Parents is accidental

BUT YOU BEING HER HUSBAND IS BY HER CHOICE AND YOUR CHOICE. To whom you are more duty bound

 

Samudrala KRISHNA

 

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Ram Ram

Mr. Mohan you have presented your side, but you didn't mentioned that why your parents changed?

If you too don't know, then go and visit them to know the actual reason. In case you go, see that your parents read GITA. Don't tell them your actual duration of visit, tell them that you are on a long holiday and may think of staying back. Make sure that they listen Ramsukhdasji's recorded lectures. I am sure you will come to a right conclusion.

Ashok Goenka

 

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Dear Mohanbhai,

I am eighty years old and have various experiences of your type. In your case you should stay in this country with your wife and children if any.You should frequently go to India and try to pursue your parents to come in this country.I think there is no objection of your wife to bring your parents.

Please see that your parents are healthy and are not without any types of help If your sister is in India ask her to take care of your parents I think with your love and compassion your parents will surely come to USA. Please ask any question in your mind.

 

Truly yours

 

Shankerprasad S Bhatt M.Com

 

 

 

 

Shree Hari

|| Ram Ram ||

I whole hearted support the request (in orange below) from the moderators. Many many thanks for the wonderful and insightful responses to the questions. Please forgive me, did observe that at times, selected few of the responses are not restricted to the questions being asked. Request kindly to understand that this is not a criticism in anyway but an observation only and like to make a humble suggestion to the sadhkas who respond to the questions, to please the examine the question carefully to see specifically, what is being asked. For the sake of an example, let us the review the response to a recent question (Dec 6, 09): "Gita-talk: Re: Global Warming... Any Answers in Gitaji" || Ram Ram || Humble regards,Madan Kaura

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Dear Mohan, Like your parents I have four sons, mind you I repeat four sons, and I too love to have my sons live with us in India today, but that will be very selfish of me. As a mother I tell you this, My son, dont make that mistake which many an only child does, be it a girl or a boy, obey the call of the mother or a parent to return to their mother land. No . Dont ever break your marriage, your mother has to accept this as fate and since they your parents have not keep their part of the deal, I feel you should be loyal to your wife, who in turn will give you children and those children will be better off where you are, as of what is happening in India today, our little ones are no more comfortable on our own Mother Land.Take your stand as a man and tell your mother you have decided to stay on with your wife who you selected and she accepted to leave her own darling parents to live besides you so far away, for so many a years, trusting and learning to love and respect you even though she knew you not before the marriage.Respect her wishes and remember , once married your duty comes first to your wife, then to the children born to both of you, and last of all to your own parents of both sides: Send them finance if they need, invite them over for a holiday too, go down together with your own immediate family and stay as long as you can so the ties and bondage of mother and son will still carry on , but never , ever listen to that mother of yours and return to please her selfish desires to show the world she is still your BOSS. No , no way are you to be tied to her apron strings, you have to prove yourself a man and convince her to come over she whe wants, other wise, carry on and just stya in touch over the web cam or telephone etc., I am sure you wife understands the feeling of a son and a mother, like she too has sacrificed her own life, to live as your wife, so far away from her own mother too. Dont ever make this mistake , of listening to your mother, no, she is not going to be with you always, a time will come when she will be called and that time you have to carry on your life, to increase and multiply is your duty now.Think wisely and never break your wife's heart, she is innocent and has done nothing in this matter, its your mother who ahs backed out of the deal made earlier. Be strong and dont buckle ever, mother has to understand its your wife first and then the kids and next your parents once married you have a life of your own to live, yes my own sons are longing to have me there with them, I said I will go down once my husband settles his lands and things in Chennai, I am longing to go to be near my grandchildren more than my other three married sons, my youngest son is yet to get to get married , but looked after like the three daughters in laws own eldest child: Mmy third daughter in law states!!!!Mama, I love you very much, please just come away and be here with us, we love an miss you and Baba so much. Gowri Roshan . Its going to break my heart to leave my mother land , but, I want to go to my sons, daughters in law and the grandchildren for sure, which I will be leaving India for good in 2010 by April God Willing. All the best and do write if you wish to get more support in this matter Regards Barbara Ali-----

It is a personal decision. You have following choices:- Call your parents to where you live.- Go back to India and make sure that your wife gets a job she likes.Looks like your Mom is too much attached to you. In the old age, we have to leave this world. Whichever decision you take, it is important for your Mom to be detached.She also needs to focus more on Paramatma and let your wife make decisions. If she is not detached, then she will interfere with your life and cause more problems. Gaurav Mittal

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