FW - The Humpty Dumpty Story

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  Judi Rhodes <judirhodes@e...>

Date:  Sat Apr 27, 2002  12:08 pm

Subject:  The Humpty Dumpty Story

 

 

 

Da Free John:

 

The root of spirituality is not some activity like desire that seeks

to

get you to the super-Object. Genuine spirituality is understanding

of

the whole process of motivation. It is to re-cognize the root of it -

this contraction, this separation. When you no longer have any

more

options, when you have worn yourself out doing your number,

and you have

tried all the trips and methods, paths and lifestyles, strategies

and

places to go, all the forms of concentration, whatever they are,

then

all of that begins to break down. You discover that you just don't

have

the " jazz " left to really carry it on anymore. You find yourself more

depressed, just a little bit too much depressed to meditate or to

hunt

for sex. You just don't have the jazz, the necessary fire of

motivation. Then upsetness begins to overwhelm you. The crisis

begins

to come on. You don't really have a path (or a strategy) anymore.

You

may talk a lot about it, feel a lot about it. It remains a part of your

mind, but you don't really " have " a path (or a strategy) any longer.

That is really the most hopeful sign. The ego is beginning to rot!

When fruit begins to rot, then it falls with seed into the earth. But

as

long as one is very righteous, as long as one has got one's " trip " ,

one

is not ripe. It is only when the trip begins to kick you in the face

that you begin to soften up, bruise a little bit, feel your fear, your

suffering, your dilemma, this constant upset of all your mortality.

 

We are all going to die. We are all going to lose this present

awareness, this present enjoyment. I can't endure that dilemma

from day

to day. From the moment I was born, that upset me. I wsn't the

least

interested in tolerating moment to moment existence as that

kind of

suffering. Life wasn't worth the involvement if its summation had

to be

death, zero. What difference does it make how turned on I can

get if I

must fall out the bottom, arbitrarily. Everything is wonderful today.

But you wake up tomorrow and the world of lovely friends is

delivered to

you dead, the insane parcels of everything disappearing. So all

righteousness, all ordinary spirituality, all the search for

consolation, is nonsense. It is a refusal. It is unreal.

 

The usual perception is that of the agonizing fact of identification,

the act that is ego, this refusal of one another, this lovelessness,

and

this living craziness. And all of your ordinary processes are

bound up

with that craziness, until you begin to get sick of it. Then you are

no

longer talking about your trip, your Yoga, how groovy it is and how

you're going to get there, " everything is so soul-beautiful " , and all

this crap. You will become obsessed with your darkness, your

heaviness. You will try to feel good, but you know you feel lousy.

You

really feel upset. It is really bad. It is really an annoyance. You

are only upset, so what difference does the search make? If you

go

through that long enough, you begin really to get upset, and your

meditation becomes concentration on your upset. Whereas

before you were

always doing your number to avoid that upset, now you can't do

anything

but be upset. And while you are meditating on your upsetness,

you

happen to get involved here, in this Ashram, and you get even

more and

more upset all the time. You come to me, and I make you more

upset.

You think you are supposed to be having a very groovy spiritual

experience here, becoming more and more turned on. But when

you come

around, people yell at you. They call your attention to your crazy

number. You are trying to do your best, but everybody is hitting

you

over the head. All such experience is very aggravating, but it

begins

to reinforce the real meditaiton that has now started to go on in

you.

It is this crisis, this falling apart, this rot. And it will persist,

until you beging to observe, somehow this activity of yours.

 

When you begin to see what you are doing, when you begin to

re-cognize

it, you will it first of all in very direct, human terms. You will see

it in the simple, human, practical things that you do. Later, you

will

begin to see it in subtler terms. You will observe the whole

quality of

your mind, your ordinary activity, your game, the drama, the event

that

is always going on, until you begin to see it most precisely and

very

subtly. When you see it absolutely, that is " radical "

understanding.

When you see the thing itself, the simple thing, that is the end of

it.

You fall apart. You scream, or you can't say anything, but it just

ends. All of a sudden, the whole process is not going on

anymore. And

this apparent event, unlike all other apparent forms of action in

the

manifested worlds, is not followed by a re-action.

 

 

--

Happy Days,

Judi