My Heavenly Reals Cappers/Osho

[Guest guest]

The Osho Chat.

By Pete

 

Author's note:

It's not my intention

to discredit Osho's

teachings. This is

just a way to poke fun

at the corrosive adoration

seekers lavish on gurus.

 

As promised, the Enlightened Samurai, sent Osho out. He approached

with a waddle. Osho had grown fatter after his death. How was that

possible? I knew corpses get bloated, so maybe souls got that way

too, especially those who had led an indulging lifestyle. I had a

problem with this idea, I don't believe in souls. But although, I

have no beliefs, that has never stopped me from indulging in fancy

theories just to amuse myself.

 

He sat on the flat rock the samurai had used to meditate. Osho

regarded me with his bulging eyes, a scornful grin on his face. " You

are not getting any younger, Seesaw. Matter of fact, you look

downright decrepit. "

 

" You're not looking so hot yourself, Rajneesh. "

 

" I have a good excuse, I'm dead. What's yours? "

 

" Good looks were never my forte, Rajneesh. "

 

" What's your forte? "

 

" Perseverance. "

 

" Ah, yes! That can compensate for a lot of shortcomings— lack of

beauty, luck, brains, you name it. You are fortunate in your

misfortune. Are you enlightened yet, Seesaw? " He asked with an impish

smile.

 

" Can't say. Are you? "

 

" Oh yeah, I got mine in the nick of time, right before I died. "

 

" You mean you faked it all those years? "

 

" Not really. I had my insights, kenshos etc. I got by quite nicely,

thank you. But it wasn't the real thing. "

 

" How could you have fooled so many people for such a long time? "

 

He made a dismissive gesture. " I fooled no one, they fooled me. My

admirers convinced me I was enlightened. They forced that label on

me. Flattery is the hardest thing to resist, seesaw. "

 

" I sympathize! It must've been terrible! Imagine being forced to

accept all those Mercedes, not to mention the sex. "

 

" Roll Royces. Krishnamurti, was the one with the thing for Mercedes. "

he corrected.

 

" Oh! Right. "

 

" Laugh if you want, but I was very happy being a university

professor. That was my true calling. That, and writing books. "

 

" Your books were quite impressive. I read a few myself. "

 

He flashed a modest smile and moved his head sideways in the Indian

manner. " Did they help you, Seesaw? "

 

" I believe they did. How can one be sure? "

 

" Which one was your favorite? "

 

" ` My Way: the way of the white clouds.' "

 

" Yes, that one was my favorite too. " he said with dreamy eyes. " Did

you believe I was enlightened? "

 

" Yes, I did, until I learned about the pocket flashlight trick. "

 

He laughed. His large frame shook with mirth as he slapped his

thighs. " Oh my! That was a good one! It was my way to get even, to

insult those that kept me captive in that ridiculous role of Guru. "

 

" Did anyone ever call you up on that one? "

 

" No. They love it. They closed their eyes, glowed with ecstasy, some

even fainted. I had a hard time keeping a straight face. But the

trick backfire on me. Afer that worked, I knew I could get away with

anything. People are so gullible, so eager to be led, and to idolize

a leader. Little by little I lost all sense of what was right or

wrong. I became a tyrant. It almost landed me in jail, as you know. "

 

" So, a little flashlight caused your downfall? "

 

" In a way. I still have it. " He took it out of his pocket. " Want to

hold it? "

 

" No thanks. Flashlights do nothing for me. "

 

" It belonged to a CIA agent . If you press here, it fires a poisoned

dart. He came to kill me, but became my devotee. "

 

" Really! I said feigning surprise. " I heard they were the ones who

killed you. "

 

" No! That was a rumor spread by my disciples, I died from a heart

attack. "

 

" So you had your `enlightenment thing' just prior to the heart

attack, then? "

 

" No, I became enlightened while having the heart attack. "

 

" Remarkable! Tell me about it. "

 

" I woke up in the middle of the night with a dull throbbing pain in

my right shoulder. My arm felt numb. I shifted my position, and

massaged my arm, but the pain got worse. It became harder to breath.

It was then, it occurred to me, I might be dying. To my surprise, I

noticed there wasn't any fear. An intense awareness descended. It was

observing my symptoms with great curiosity as if they were happening

to someone else. This awareness was filled with exquisite delight,

Seesaw. And it was watching me die as if I were a bug. This shocked

me , and in that shock it downed on my brain that there was no 'me'

dying , only this awareness existed, and it couldn't die. Does it

make any sense to you? "

 

" Yes it does. But was that it.? That was your great awakening? "

 

" There was more to it, but it can't be put into words. "

 

" You `realized ones' are all the same, with that `it can't be put

into words' bullshit, Rajneesh. "

 

He pointed the flashlight at me. " Now, my name is Osho!.If you call

me Rajneesh one more time, I'm going to shoot a poisoned dart into

your ugly mug. " He yelled.

 

" Boy! You Heavenly beings are a violent bunch. Don't you guys have

fun around here? "

 

He smiled a mischievous grin, " We enjoy talking to you, Seesaw. "

 

" No, I mean what do you do for fun when I'm not here? "

 

" When you are not here, we are not here, either. "

 

" What do you mean? "

 

" You figure it out, " He said and vanished.