End of Aliveness

[Guest guest]

About a week ago was unable to sleep and I experienced a

" movement in consciousness " . For about four hours I lay

in bed without sleeping, experiencing the movement in

consciousness. There were no words or thoughts per se,

just the movement, which was in ways like a bead of

water moving on a hot skillet. But in other ways it was

like a curved three-dimensional line of movement

twisting and flowing in space, almost like some kind of

hyper- dimensional wiperblade. It became apparent that

said twisting curving line carving through space seemed

to be the movement of my intent, of my volition. But it

was also clear that the sense of volition involved was

an illusion. So the sense of volition and the knowing

the illusoriness of the sense of volition continued as a

kind of dynamic, living paradox.

 

It became apparent as the hours swept away that the

fluid line carving in space was " the love to be " , as

well as the sense of " grasping " . The moving fluid line

was realized as a kind of " hunger " , as a " tasting " of

consiousness. But it was also realized as illusory.

 

It was realized that the moving fluid line in

consciousness, apparent volition that it was, was

" creational " in a kind of " karmic " sense in that some

sort of " reaction " would come to the " intentional push "

of the carving. The reaction would be in the form of an

" experiential period " following the " carving period "

where there would be experience unfolding as a

consequence of the " carving " .

 

With all of these " realizations " the intensity of the

carving gradually, over the hours abated. And finally it

ended altogether.

 

In the wake of all that there was a kind of change such

that subsequently I no longer had a " sense of

consciousness " . This is hard to describe, but the former

sense of consciousness as a simple radiance in space and

as a quality of aliveness disappeared.

 

It had seemed that aliveness was an inherent quality of

consciousness that must always be the case, but now it

was evident that was not the case.

 

With any sense of aliveness/consciousness gone what

remained is impossible to describe, because there is

really nothing to describe. There is no " sense " in

consciousness of any kind of subjective experience

whatsoever. There is nothing left that could in any way

be called " my experience " . There is not even any sense

of " oneness " , of peace, of light, of " suchness " , none of

it. There is no " taste " to experience anymore.

 

It is clear that any *taste* to experience is the " love

to be " , is grasping. It is clear that any quality of

experience that is particular to " me " is illusory, even

if that quality of experience consists simply in an

undifferentiated luminousness, or of deep, profound,

endless peace.

 

 

 

 

Bill

8-11-04