Deity Customer Service Questionnaire

[Guest guest]

DEITY CUSTOMER SERVICE QUESTIONNAIRE

 

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to

better serve your needs, (S)He asks that you take a few moments to

answer

the following questions: If you prefer to think of God as a This or

That, please feel free to insert that word wherever the word God

appears.

 

 

1. How did you find out about your deity?

__ Newspaper

__ Bible

__ Torah

__ Koran

__ Television

__ Book of Mormon

__ Divine Inspiration

__ Dead Sea Scrolls

__ My Mama Done Tol' Me

__ Near Death Experience

__ Near Life Experience

__ National Public Radio

__ Tabloid

__ Burning Shrubbery

__ Internet List

 

2. Which model deity did you acquire?

__ Jehovah

__ Jesus

__ Brahman

__ Buddha (Denies being a God, but loves incense and flowers)

__ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]

__ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]

__ Allah

__ Satan

__ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature

__ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)

__ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin)

__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god

 

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working

order

and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

__ Yes

__ No

 

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.

Please

indicate all that apply:

__ Not eternal

__ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos

__ Not omniscient

__ Not omnipotent

__ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all

creations)

__ Permits sex outside of marriage

__ Prohibits sex outside of marriage

__ Makes mistakes

__ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people

__ Makes or permits good things to happen to bad people

__ Looks after life other than that on Earth

__ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched

__ Requires burnt offerings

__ Requires virgin sacrifices

 

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity?

Please

check all that apply.

__ Indoctrinated by parents

__ Needed a reason to live

__ Indoctrinated by society

__ Needed focus in whom to despise

__ Needed focus in whom to love

__ Imaginary friend grew up

__ Hate to think for myself

__ Wanted to meet girls/boys in church

__ Fear of death

__ Wanted to piss off parents

__ Wanted to please parents

__ Needed a day away from school or work

__ Desperate need for certainty

__ Like organ music

__ Need to feel morally superior

__ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool

__ Thought there had to be something other than Jerry Falwell

__ Shit was falling out of the sky

__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

 

5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god

were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.

__ Baal

__ The Almighty Dollar

__ Left Wing Liberalism

__ The Radical Right

__ Amon Ra

__ Beelzebub

__ Bill Gates

__ Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur

__ The Great Spirit

__ The Great Pumpkin

__ The Sun

__ The Moon

__ The Force

__ Movie Stars

__ Sport Heroes

__ A burning shrub

__ Psychiatry

__ Other: ________________

 

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in

addition to God? Please check all that apply.

 

__ Tarot

__ Lottery

__ Astrology

__ Television

__ Fortune cookies

__ Ann Landers

__ Psychic Friends Network

__ Dianetics

__ Palmistry

__ Playboy and/or Playgirl

__ Self-help books

__ Sex, drugs, and rock & roll

__ Biorhythms

__ Alcohol

__ Marijuana

__ Bill Clinton

__ Tea Leaves

__ EST

__ Amway

__ CompuServe

__ Mantras

__ My Guru

__ Crystals

__ Human sacrifice

__ Pyramids

__ Posting to Nondual Groups

__ Reading Nondual posts

__ Other:_____________________

__ None

 

7. God reputedly employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to

preserve a balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which

would you prefer?

Circle one below:

a. More Divine Intervention

b. Less Divine Intervention

c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right

d. Don't know.

e. What's Divine Intervention?

 

8. God also reputedly attempts to maintain a balanced level of

disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 your opinion

of the handling of the following (1 =unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):

 

a. Disasters:

1 2 3 4 5 flood

1 2 3 4 5 famine

1 2 3 4 5 earthquake

1 2 3 4 5 war & holocausts

1 2 3 4 5 pestilence

1 2 3 4 5 plague

1 2 3 4 5 Spam

1 2 3 4 5 AOL

 

b. Miracles:

1 2 3 4 5 rescues

1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions

1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over tiny towns & previously unknown hamlets

1 2 3 4 5 crying statues

1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine

1 2 3 4 5 walking on water

1 2 3 4 5 coincidence of any sort

1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever

 

9) Do you aspire to become a salesperson for God Inc?

 

10) Do you have God envy, or secretly, or openly aspire

to become God?

 

11) Do you secretly believe you are already God?

 

12) Do you share this secret with others?

 

13) Are you currently under medication?