Lessons in fake advaita

[Guest guest]

Thanks Josie, very good! she forgot to add

never under any circumstances write your name

in uppercase. pete is mandatory, and if you

must said " I " write " i. " Oh! And never use verbs

such as becoming together with enlightenment,

lest the " psycho-semantic " accuse you of gross

ignorance. LOL

 

Pete

Lessons in fake advaita, also known as 'Simuladvaita'

 

(spiritual neologism from simulate + advaita)

 

by Catherine Asche

 

Let's face it, the chances of the " Big E "

(enlightenment) ever happening to (or more correctly:

'through') you or me are pretty slim. This could be

seen as grim news indeed to earnest seekers. But

worry not, with a little practise you can soon learn

to SIMULATE enlightenment and fool many a newcomer to

the advaita scene, and quite possibly in time, even

yourself!

 

Part A: Speech.

 

1) Of prime importance is conveying the notion of an

absence of 'self,' so the most important first step

in learning fake advaita-speak is to practise avoiding

the use of personal pronouns...'I', 'me', 'mine'. A

little care in sentence construction makes this

possible. Throw in some genuine advaita buzz words

like, 'noumenon', 'phenomenon' 'manifests' and

'apparent' and you're away!

 

Some examples:

 

a)The statement, 'I am horny " becomes, 'It is

perceived that there is a sensation of horniness

presently manifesting in this body-mind.'

 

Unfortunately for the aspirant, not all members of

the opposite sex (especially the spiritually ignorant)

will react favourably to such correctness of

_expression, but the serious pseudo-jnani will surely

value projecting and developing a firm image of

Guruhood above an all too temporary roll in the hay.

In time, once his or her reputation is solid and (s)he

has a following (s)he can easily make up for lost

time.

 

b) " This car is mine " is improved to The apparent

body out of which these words seem to be emanating is,

in the illusory phenomenal manifestation,

simultaneously the owner of this car. " Note: Care

should be exercised if this phrasing is used to answer

traffic police or other authority figures lest more

than an illusory traffic ticket manifests as a result.

 

2) Another good habit to acquire is of referring to

yourself in the third person. Like the above rule,

this gambit cues your listener that you are

disidentified from the body.

 

Hence, " I'm in a bad mood today " is correctly

conveyed by, " A bad mood, which (being temporal)

noumenally has no valid existence, seems to have

descended upon John today. " Mind you, more than

merely a bad mood might well descend upon John if in

his eagerness he fails to introduce such verbal

pretzels gradually to close associates.

 

3) It is of vital importance that at no time do you

betray a tendency to claim decision making or any

forms of doership as your own. Naturally you DO in

fact feel yourself to be the doer or author of your

actions, but appearance is what counts. It must look

not only as though YOU do not decide, but even a

seeming decision-making doesn't ever occur.... things

'just happen'. The word 'happen' should become one of

your linguistic staples.

 

Note of caution: Once again, the introduction of the

new non-doing you to your family and friends should be

done with tact. When your partner discovers you in a

compromising position with a member of the opposite

sex, " I wasn't DOING anything, screwing just happened "

is at least as likely to result in the happening of a

kick in the butt of said body-mind as anything else

you might say.

 

Part B: Behaviour.

 

1) One of the great spinoffs of following the

simuladvaita path is that unlike in the rest of

society where goallessness, a lack of planning and

sloth are seen as irresponsible vices, here they are

viewed as positive virtues. The less driven,

passionate or motivated you are the better, as this

indicates 'dispassion.' If you can manage not to work

at all, this is highly praiseworthy, but if you must,

then at least affect a pose of boredom with your job

and certainly don't harbour any enthusiasm for such

frivolities as hobbies or worse still political or

social activism. You should be totally uninterested in

anything that smacks of worldiness.

 

2) It is necessary to cultivate an attitude of having

finished with seeking, either because enlightenment

has already happened or is just about to. For this

reason it is important never to be seen reading books

that could be considered 'spiritual'. If visitors

happen to discover that in fact you have quite a

library of such books, worthy of a small bookstore

(and lets be honest, most of us do) the correct

resonse is that you only still keep them around in

case someone else wants to borrow them. Thus you add

altruism to your list of perceived virtues. Your

frequent presence at Satsangs is likewise not because

you have any craving for spiritual attainment, that

'dropped away' some time ago, but just that you like

to keep in touch with 'Ol Pete (as you call your Guru

now) who is no longer really your Guru but just your

good buddy whom you play cards or watch football with

and have a lot of laughs. If you can get away with a

fond slap on his back in front of your neophyte

spiritual friends (soon to be followers) you'll

impress them immensely.

 

Good luck!