Fw: jokes

[Guest guest]

from a friend, earl, please take a rest from the usual suspects and have fun

;-),

love,

me

 

 

-

earl engelhardt

imspirit

Monday, December 19, 2005 12:10 PM

jokes

 

 

A small collection from friends

 

earl

~~

 

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest

little lisp, between two missing teeth, " Excuthe me, mithter, do you

keep widdle wabbits? "

 

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that

he's on her level and asks, " Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a

thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown

wabbit over there? "

 

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her

knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, " I don't think

my python weally gives a thit. "

 

==============

 

 

Jewish Zen

~~

Take only what is given. Own nothing but your robes and an alms bowl.

Unless, of course, you have the closet space.

 

Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the

wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with posture

like that.

 

 

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you

never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

 

 

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

 

 

To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the

following: Get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?

 

Learn of the pine from the pine. Learn of the bamboo from the bamboo.

Learn of the kugel from the kugel.

 

Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that

not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

 

 

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

 

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and

attaining enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

 

 

The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao

does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao

is not Jewish.

 

 

Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second,

satisfaction. With the third, Danish.

 

 

The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all

sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who

happens to be Jewish?

 

Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things

faster.

 

 

To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand

flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten

thousand petals. You might want to see

a specialist.

 

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

 

 

 

=======================

 

 

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.

 

Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls

decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.

After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she

know they went home early?

 

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little

gardening, spent playtime with her son and went to bed early.

 

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the

spa before meeting a dinner date.

 

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but

when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to

see her husband in bed with her lady boss Gently, she closed the door

and crept out of her house.

 

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead

planned to leave early again and they asked the blonde if she was

going to go with them.

 

" No way, " the blonde exclaimed. " I almost got caught yesterday. "

 

 

 

================

 

LIFE WITH THE WIFE

 

Being a man, I've never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and

women differs so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and

Mars

thing.

 

I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with

their

heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown

into

a state of turmoil, when it hears the words " I ! do. "

 

FOR EXAMPLE:

 

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the

passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says " I don't Feel like

it, I

just want you t o hold me. "

 

I said " WHAT????!!! What was that?! "

 

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear

" You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for

me

to satisfy your physical needs as a man. "

 

She ! ;responded to my puzzled look by saying, " Can't you just love me

for

who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom? "

 

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

 

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with

her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big

unnamed department store.

 

I walked around with her while she tried on several different very

expensive

outfits. She couldn't decide which one! to take so I told her we'll

just

buy them all.

 

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a

pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry department where she

picked

out a pair of diamond earrings.

 

Let me tell you ... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one

wave

short of a shipwreck! I started to think she was testing me because she

asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even Know how to play

tennis.

 

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, " That's fine, honey " .

 

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

 

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, " I think this is all

dear, let's go to the cashier " .

 

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, " No honey, I don't

feel

like it. "

 

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled

WHAT???!!! "

 

I then said, " Really ho! hey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for

awhile.

You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me

to

satisfy your shopping needs as a woman. "

 

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added,

" Why

can't you just love me for who I am and not for the Things I buy you? "

 

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...\\

 

===============

 

TWO BLONDES

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking. And

one blonde says to the other, " Which do you think is farther away, Florida

or the moon? "

The other blonde turns and says, " Helloooooooooo, can you see

Florida? "

 

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it

died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She

says, " What's the story? "

He replies, " Just crap in the carburetor. "

She asks, " How often do I have to do that? "

 

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely

if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, " I wish you guys would

get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then

today you expect me to show it to you! "

 

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees

another blonde on the opposite bank. " Yoo-hoo! " she shouts, " How can I get

to the other side? " The second blonde looks up the river then down the river

and shouts back,

" You ARE on the other side! "

 

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that

her body hurt wherever she touched it.

" Impossible! " says the doctor. " Show me. "

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed;

then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and

screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched

made her scream.

The doctor said, " You're not really a redhead, are you? "

" Well, no " she said, " I'm actually a blonde. "

" I thought so, " the doctor said. " Your finger is broken. "

 

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the

wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights

and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and

yelled, " PULL OVER! "

" NO! " the blonde yelled back; " IT'S A SCARF! "

 

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The

Russian said, " We were the first in space! "

The American said, " We were the first on the moon! "

The Blonde said, " So what? We're going to be the first on the sun! "

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their

heads.

" You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up! " said the

Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, " We're not stupid, you know. We're going

at night! "

 

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She

rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, " If

you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it? "

She thought for a time and then asked, " Is it on or off? "

 

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,

and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one

was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, " Whoever heard of

someone naming dogs like that? "

" Hellooooooooo......, " answered the blond. " They're watch dogs. "

 

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