Geo. Carlin..Zen Master Comic: I think, therefore I am. I think.

[Guest guest]

" I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, " Where's the self-

help section? " She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose "

 

" People who say they don't care what people think are usually

desperate to have people think they don't care what people think "

 

" Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things "

 

" Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize

half of them are even stupider! "

 

" The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I

accept "

 

" Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long

period of time. "

 

" Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an

idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? "

 

" Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of

things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to

work and don't have time for all that ... "

 

" Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up

on the roof and gets stuck. "

 

" I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a part of

hell will break loose - it'll be much harder to detect "

 

" You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure

magic "

 

" Religion is just mind control "

 

" Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do

about it if I did "

 

" If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him "

 

" Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire,

what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us,

do they? "

 

" Electricity is really just organized lightning. "

 

" Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping

reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree,

something is wrong. "

 

" When someone is impatient and says, " I haven't got all day, " I

always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? "

 

" Put two things together which have never been put together before,

and some schmuck will buy it "

 

" If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem "

 

" One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people "

 

" The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting,

keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic

election "

 

" May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. "

 

" When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're

born in America, you get a front row seat. "

 

" I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many

people who believe it. "

 

" The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time,

somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those

people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the

job done. "

 

" Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist "

 

" Always do whatever's next "

 

" One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like "

 

" I went straight from shenanigans to cries against humanity " (Happy

St. Patricks Day!..bn)

 

" Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just

enough money not to quit "

 

" The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music "

 

" " I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.

Could it be that " I do " is the longest sentence? "

 

" When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands "

 

" Weather forecast for tonight: dark. "

 

" The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is

tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of

it? A Death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all

backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live

in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get

a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young

enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party,

you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a

kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little

baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months

floating...

....and you finish off as an orgasm. "

 

" The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the

publicity "

 

" Life is a series of dogs "

 

" There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent

past. "

 

" The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from

reality it is "

 

" There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. "

 

" I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My

idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own,

so both of them together is certain death. "

 

" A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up

out of my mind on drugs but now I'm messed up out of my mind on

Jeeesus Chriiist " ]

 

" Most people with low self-esteem have earned it "

 

" By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth "

 

" I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I

realize I'm listening to it. "

 

" Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in

kilometers. "

 

" I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very

good Amercian because I like to form my own opionions. "

 

" The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table

had an argument going. "

 

" Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of

rain. "

 

" There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting "

 

" When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always

wondered who got his horse "

 

" I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend -- I didn't

bother with him. "

 

" When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light,

he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem

that much more urgent. "

 

" If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that

doesn't work "

 

" When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as

this country does; personal weaponry, as this country does; and

racial hatred, which is part of our heritage as white Europeans; and

then you add the volatile ingredient of " nothing "

 

" Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things

right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already

been established. "

 

" I'm also tired of hearing about innocent victims; this is an

outmoded idea. There are no innocent victims. If you're born on this

world you're guilt, period, fuck you, end of report, next case. Your

birth certificate is proof of guilt. "

 

" Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror "

 

" I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it "

 

" I think, therefore I am. I think. "

 

" Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of

the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big. "

 

" The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. "

 

" 'We hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago or wherever your final

destination may be.' All destinations are final. That's what it

means. Destiny: final. If you haven't gotten where you're going, you

aren't there yet. "

 

" Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus

has left town. "

 

" They call it the 'American Dream' because you have to be asleep to

believe it. "

 

" If the Reds were baseball's first team, who did they play? "

 

" Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,

For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.

America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,

And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea. "

 

" When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say? "

 

" I believe you can joke about anything. "

 

Think about it.(G.Carlin)...bob