Guest guest Posted June 30, 2006 Report Share Posted June 30, 2006 I came back to USA after spending 3 weeks in India. In India, I experienced heat and humidity. I traveled on some roads that were very jerky. I walked in the lanes that were dirty, muddy and dark. My son had episodes of diarrhea and fever. I experienced power cuts and mosquito bites. I even had some verbal arguments. I witnessed some self-obsession, vain and jealousy. Yet, in general, I was quite peaceful. Plus, I had a feeling of liveliness and intensity combined with openness, eagerness and self-belief. I came to USA with high energy and enthusiasm... yet, due to reasons yet unknown to me, I started experiencing fear, doubts and low-grade unease very soon. With most people that I met, I felt as if they were afraid, as if they were uneasy within, as if they were trying to hide something. As if I had entered a place that was highly secretive, a place where people were afraid as if they thought others were plotting something against them. I felt as if most people are plagued with the 'inner guilt'*. The guilt that arises when you live with the constant feeling of 'not doing what you know you should do' and 'doing what you know you shouldn't do'. As if they were living with a feeling of having lost their integrity. And, even in myself, I noticed a subtle fear as if I had to be always watchful, vigilant. As if I needed to constantly protect something, as if something within was always at risk... In some eyes, I saw fear that I had missed seeing for some time. As if they thought, I was a threat or if 'talking to me' or just 'talking' itself was a risk. I saw hostility in some eyes that I had missed seeing for a while as if I was some 'unwanted' human embodying unknown dangers for them... [interestingly, I felt this way even around people of Indian origin too provided they have been in USA for any considerable [4+ years] length]. I don't know why... ---- *I guess, It is kind of 'guilt' that I might feel if I was aware of my younger brother dying of hunger while I was feasting on 21 course dinner with my fat wife and fat children in an expensive restaurant with the money that my father gave me long time back to buy my supplies for my brother... It is kind of 'fear' that I might have in this situation fearing my father might see it, fearing my younger brother might see it... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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