Rise of 'self consciousness'.

[Guest guest]

Since the first occurrence of

'awakening' ; at the body level, I have

had frequent episodes of two feelings:

 

A. Feeling of 'no body'.

 

B. Feeling of Intense Pain in back,

wrist or shoulder.

 

Curiously enough, anything like bliss,

love I have felt in the front part - in

chest, in the heart area. Anything like

pain I have felt in back - most times

directly behind the heart area.

 

In India, I had no occurrence of the

intense back pain.

 

After I returned to USA, for first few

days I stayed pretty much without any

real work and I noticed that I remained

free of any stress too. But, when I

attended my project meeting, I noticed

that I feel uncomfortable when I see

too much attention directed towards me.

 

I become 'self conscious' when I feel

attention* in a work environment and

physically I feel it like some

sensation, some tension in my back.

 

 

Interactions in the work that I do

[and have done] happens with the basic

of 'personal responsibility', 'personal

accomplishment', 'personal growth' as

well as 'personal failure' and

'personal errors'. I noticed that when

facing that kind of communication and

attention, I become 'self conscious'.

 

I noticed that 'self consciousness'

feels like tension in the back as if my

body was trying to form an image, a

concrete memory to remember and operate

from. As if the body, the subconscious

mind was trying to create a 'person' in

order to remember " should " , " should

not " and trying to live according to

these 'established' rules. And, once

that happens I internally feel 'bound'.

 

 

I feel 'self aware' and any time I feel

'self aware' - I feel a split, an inner

'conflict' as if someone inside me is

watching, judging and commenting on

everything I do, everything I say,

everything I think. And, when that

happens I feel myself having fallen out

of natural flow.

 

I wonder if it happens to anyone else

too. Perhaps, there is a better, more

harmonic and peaceful way to work and

live. I wonder if someone on this list

knows and practices that way of work. I

wonder if such a person can share their

insight.

 

 

Now that think about it, I noticed

that it doesn't only happen in the work

environment - it happens in the social

and personal environment too.

 

My 'self consciousness' rises in the

environment where there is too much and

'sustained' emphasis on 'self' it rises

in situations where I continuously hear

things like - " what I should have

done " , " what I have done " , " how I am

failing in this regard " and, it also

happens [though much less frequently]

when I her " how great I am " , " what

great things I have done " , " how kind,

generous, loving, compassionate and

just I am " .

 

 

I guess I have kind of

learnt to deal with 'personal praises'

in kind of impersonal way but, it gets

'personal' [resulting into 'self

consciousness' and 'rebirth' of

'personal self'] quite easily in the

face of 'personal criticism'.

 

 

I wonder if it is true for anybody

else too. I wonder if anyone will be

willing to share their insight and

experience in this area.

 

 

 

 

---

 

*I think rise of 'self consciousness'

in response to attention happens because internally

I associate 'attention' with 'expectation'

and feeling of 'specialiness'. Perhaps,

I feel uncomfortable due to two reasons:

 

A. I feel I am getting too much

attention at the expense of others in

the meeting and thereby, I think it something

unfair and unjust. Something that " should not "

happen and thus I internally shrink and eventually

try to divert attention away from me.

 

 

B. I internally associate 'attention'

with 'expectation' especially the 'expectation

of agreement' and thereby feel uncomfortable when

my thoughts are not in agreement with the

speaker.