Uh-Oh !, Oh, NO !!, Ooops !!! 2 Fart Or Not 2 FART !!!

[Guest guest]

To FART...or NOT TO...FART...

THAT is NOT the question !!!!

 

My First Wife, Geraldine (Gerrie)...

 

Geraldine Lynn Butler BOSTICK REED ECKERT INGRAHAM....

 

and no telling WHAT other names she has aquired since

 

we last spoke or you know wad....

 

never ever never never...FARTED ....

 

We starting F-RICK-ING around and

around and

around and

around and

around and

around and

around annnDUHHHH....

 

(WE !!!

GET !!!

IT !!!!

RICK REEDUHHHH !!!

YOU !!!!

ASSHOLE !!!!

YOU F-RICK-ED !!!

AROUND !!!

YOU !!!!!!!!

DUMBASS !!!!!!!)

 

Oh yeah, that's riot.

 

Thanks for reminding me.

 

WE.... F-RICK-ED around, yeah.

 

Gerrie and I started F-RICK-ING around

 

when she was in the NINTH grade and

I was in the 10th Grade

 

in this Ninth Grade Math class at Treadwell High School

 

in Memphis, Tennessee....

 

in 1968 or something...

and she was really (REALLY) full of

 

a lot of shit for about 14 years there.

 

Never farted you know.

 

Can you IMAGINE what something LIKE THAT must be LIKE ?

 

Oh, my GOD !!!

 

I guess the girl just couldn't help herself...

 

or as they say in Memphis...I guess the girl jus' cuddent HAP herSAF...

 

but GOD is in every plan any way.

 

All those 14 years, and OH WERE they LONnnnng ones.....

 

whenever I DID CUT ONE.......or anyone ELSE DID for that matter....

 

she made US and anyone in the general vicinity of

 

maybe a hundred miles or so pay for it.

 

Gerrie had her very own Special SPECIAL

 

THOU SHALT NOT FART lecture

 

that even the FIRST TIME I heard it....made me want to throw

 

SOMEBODY off a cliff.....her.

 

ANYTIME I heard that lecture, it was ALWAYS

 

like the VERY FIRST TIME, somehow... a brand new

 

BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH

BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH ....BITCH !!!!!...(WHOAH!!!) ...BITCH !!!!!!!!

 

It is kinnnDUHHH hard to X-plain....

 

just take my weird for it.

 

I AM still not USED TO IT.

 

It didn't all start with ME though.

 

Her Mother, Neva Lois BOSTICK had Gerrie when she herself was in her Late-40's,

 

so you KNOW by the time Gerrie

 

started to pay attention to things in life,

she herself had been GASSED UP a great number

of times herself, so you can only imagine, what with her Mom being over

six-feet tall, and outweighed even me.

 

How many TIMES I heard her screammm..

 

" I'VE GOT THE MONEY !!!!!

 

AND I'VE GOT THE POWER !!!!! "

 

OhMyGOD !!!!

 

Crazy thing WAS though...

that Gerrie not only BELEIVED that her own Mother

 

was grossly physically disturbed and abberated..

 

but that everyone else in the universe that LET ONE GO

 

was as F-RICK-ED up as well..and suddenly I was the NEXT " IT " .

 

I guess at the time she HAD TO BE the only one in the universe

 

to be so GIFETD BY GOD to be out of gas all the time.

 

SO, for 14 years, it was just easier and quiter to say the least to

 

just stay out of doors a lot after certain meals and parties.

 

Yeah, I had FARTED the very first hour we met...

 

so...Uh-oh !, Oh, NO !!!, Oooops !!!!!

 

Guess I should have know from the START

 

that our kids would be very very very

 

SPECIAL...if you know wad I mean, I mean.

 

Know wad I mean?

 

I'd do almost anything (almost)

 

to anybody (almost) for a nut nut.

 

(WHO's !!!!

THERE ?!?!?!?)

 

Awwww....SHUT UP !!!!!

 

Her lecure...(are you ready).....

 

got better and better each time she delivered it.

I mean I mean.....she PRESENTED it better and better

with each delivery, I just wish I wasn't her MAIN AUDIENCE..

all those years.

 

.....Here goes...

 

This is what I got everytimne I TOOTED or BLEW MY BACKHORN...

 

" I HATE THAT !!! You and MOTHER, and JUST ABOUT

 

EVERYONE ELSE..DOES THAT !!!

 

WHAT's WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU ???

WHY ME, LORD ???

I'd BE IN THE GROCERY STORE WITH MOTHER

AND SHE'D...SHE'D......SHE WOULD......DO THAT !!!

I'D HAVE TO LEAVE THE BUILDING

AND GO SIT IN THE CAR....OR....

IF IT WERE A BIG BUILDING AND SAFE..

I COULD GO TO ANOTHER AREA...

ANOTHER PART OF THE STORE !!!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU?????? "

 

Yeah, I have THAT memorized.

 

I can do it in NINE languages too.

 

One weekend in our very FIRST apartment in St. Louis,

 

we were in bed most of the day that Sunday...

 

because we had been in bed awake all through the night before...

 

annnDUHHH...well..You Know.

 

My recovery periods involved long hours of

 

my reading aloud to her from current popular books.

 

It was preparing me for my eventual careeer in FM Radio, my plan.

 

I'll read (almost) anything aloud to anyopne

 

whether they can hear or not.

 

During this one reading, all of a sudden there

 

was the worst stench you could imagine.

 

You not only could SMELL it..

 

You could feeeeeeeel it...

 

You could ALMOST TASTE it.

 

I was hoping that she had finally...finally....

 

you know...GROWN UP

 

But.....

 

I was afraid to look up at first.

 

Just kept on reading.

I could feeeeel her glare....

 

I finally DID look UP...then slowy over and there were

 

THOSE EYES....

 

I began reading really (REALLY) fast before the lecture came.

 

The smell EVENTUALLY went away.

 

Minutes later like a bad dream or Mother In Law...

 

there it was again...only worst....

 

OhMyGod !!!!

 

FELT worst too....didn't taste any better either.

 

The same whole routine was repeated...the glare,

 

my final look to ...to.....to what?

 

Maybe I AM a masochist...or was.

 

I resumed reading.

 

The air thinned well...eventually.

 

And then again...WOW...we went through it all over again.

 

Now...I won't drag you throuh it all

 

over

and over

and over

and over

and over

and over

and over....if you know wad I mean.

 

(DO !!!

YOU !!!!!!!

REALLL Y !!!!!!

MEAN !!!!

THAT !!!!

RICK !!!!!!!

REED ?????? "

 

I TOLD YOU...Bette DAVIS...that I ONLY LIE.....

to my MOTHER !!!!

 

SHUT UP !!!!!

 

GOD, these DEAD WOMEN...they just KILL ME !!!

 

Anyway....I knew I wasn't farting.

 

I wasn't so sure about Gerrie.

 

Something was destroying our marriage, and lives.

 

I jumped out of bed and went over to where

 

MONTY...our pet pooch was laying.

 

I knew it wasn't ME...

 

FART-TING

TING

TING

TING

TING

TING....NO !!!!

 

THAT SMELL would have probably killed anyting human.

 

I mean...SOMETHING human.

 

Once again after the air had cleared, Gerrie joined me there.

 

We just STOOD THERE...looking at him.

 

Even bent over to get a close look...

 

and just kept watching him for what seeeeeeemed

 

to BE the longest time....forever almost.

 

And he was a totally black dog.

 

 

His eyes were black as coal too.

His eyes rolled from me to Gerrie...

 

back and forth...

 

and back and forth

 

over and over

 

and over and over.

All you could see really (REALLY) was the whites of his eyes

 

as they seemed to sprakle almost from time to time

 

as he looked from one of us to the other...

 

and he had this look about him that seemed to say...

 

" WHAT THE F-RICK...are you CRAZY? "

 

We waited LONG ENOUGH to where the BOMB came back....

 

you sure FELT and TASTED that one too.

 

Wierd thing about it all...

 

you would have THOUGHT that after all THAT...

 

MONTY would have moved his leg...lifted it sorta..

 

I mean...sometime I DO THAT even.

 

But he made no effort AT ALL.

 

Didn't move anything AT ALL...

 

but that constant motion of his eyes.

 

Freaked me out the door.

 

" HONEY " ,...I said...

 

" I KNEW it wasn't ME !!! "

 

We just put him out...

 

then went to a movie.....he lived to be 16 years old,

 

and may have been one of the reason the marriage...

 

No...couldn't have been.

 

Oh, please LORD, don't let me start thinking THAT SHIT !!!

 

Anyway....that's not the last

 

of my report about

POISONED GASES

BIOLOGICAL WARFARE

on the homefront.

 

I AM jussst beginning.

 

On August 12th, 1973....

 

Missy Liza Kimpr' REED was born.

 

I can think of a better word for it, but....

 

(THAT'S !!!!

RIGHT !!!!

RICK REEDuhhhhh !!!!

YOU !!!!

KEEP !!!!!!

IT !!!!!

CLEAN !!!!!)

 

Awwwww...SHOOT ME !!!!!

 

Wellllll....

 

there were three of us Milatary married couples that ran together

 

after work, we were all best friends and everything.

 

The next day, four of us were visiting Gerrie

 

in the Cabell Huntington Hospital here, after she started waking UP

 

and coming BACK INTO OUR WORLD..

 

if you know wad I mean.

 

Know wad I mean?

 

There was me, then Petty Officer Third Class Engineman Steven Allen BAILEY....

 

His wife DEBBIE...

 

Then First Class Petty Officer Michael BALL.

 

That's weird....putting the words FIRST CLASS petty (?)annnDUHHH

 

Petty Officer together..oh, well..

 

We were all standing around Gerrie's bed.

 

Then all of a sudden it started ALL OVER AGAIN.

 

I knew Monty was still at home and it wasn't HIM.

 

And it would take a F-RICK-ING Miracle for Gerrie to grow up.

 

I KNEW it wasn't ME.

 

I wasn't so SURE about Steve, Debbie and Mike.

 

Someone was BAD ASSED.

And all of us were doing the same thing, looking

from one to the other, trying to read each other's minds

to read quilt...which never manifested in our facial Xpressions.

Like magic, in unison we all looked at Gerrie...

and she was red as a beat, and

she wouldn't meet our eyes...

so we KNEW instantly that it was her.

That BITCH !!

BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH

BITCH BITCH BBITCH BITCH BITCH !!!

WHOAH !!! (BITCH )

 

I don't know why it is always ME...

 

But...Steve, Debbie and Mike look at me

like I was responsible for it all..

and I guess great minds and judges would say I was

since it ALL STARTED with me and Busch Beer one

lonely horney night in St. Louis nine months earlier.

 

SO, I do my Superman think.....that's a " K " there on purpose.

 

I AM ready to leap any tall building at a single bound...

 

I AM ready to become faster than a speeding bullit...

 

I AM ready to become faster than an RxR Locomotive...

 

(RICK REED !!!

YOU !!!

ALWAYS !!!!!!

HAVE !!!!!!

TO !!!

THROW !!!!!

THAT !!!!!!!!

RXR !!!!

SHIT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IN !!!!!!!!!!!

STOP !!!!!!!!

BRAINWASHING !!!!!!!!!!

US !!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

 

HEY !

 

I AM getting to the good part !!!!

 

So, JUST like the Bible says.......

 

(OH !!!

SHIT !!!!

HERE !!!

HE !!!!

GOES !!!!

AGAIN !!!!)

 

Just LIKE the Bible says..

" When you don't know what to say...

and you don't know what to DO...

I will speak FOR you and I will work THROUGH you. "

 

So........

 

I just say....... " I think I'll get a coke !!! "

 

I turned immediately and left.

 

I could hear them behind me...

First Debbie...

 

" I think I will join you. "

 

Then Steve..... " Me too !!! "

 

Mike was last for some reason.

 

Maybe he wasn't so first class at all

 

or perhaps he LIKED IT in there.

 

I dunno.

 

Some people think their farts and other's are perfume.

 

(MINE IS)

 

Finally I heard Mike say..

 

" Yeah, I could use a drink right now. "

 

So we barely made it to the lounge and was gone a real

 

long time, mostly because it took a good while,

 

as you can imagine..

for me to tell them the entire story that

 

you have just been reading..but with much

 

more feeeeeling as I had a LIVE AUDIENCE....

 

and GOD...can you imagine what something LIKE THAT

 

must be LIKE?

 

I just LOVE hearing the SOUND of my OWN VOICE !!!!

 

So eventually we did go back to the room

 

and it took a lot of work on my part to talk the others

 

into it, as they weren't nmarried to her and had

 

all the rights in the world to seek asylum.

 

But we did go back, and of course I had to

 

enter first like always.

 

I stuck (ONLY) my head in the door,

 

sniffed the air real good a few times,

 

put on my best " IS IT SAFE " X-pression....

 

screwed my face up about 100 different ways just to torture her....

 

then entered.

I AM the greatest actor..annnDUHHH

 

the world's Greatest DIRECTOR of all times...

so I had directed Steve, Debbie and Mike to enter

 

one at a time....and repeat my entrance to the best

 

of their ability and they were academy award material too.

 

All standing there in our original positions, all eyes

 

on me....I finally said... " OK " .

 

They then all looked at GERRIE.

I had warned them that she might just be a redder RED than before

 

but I was worng.

She had turned a deep PURPLISH-BLUE.

 

Then, it was Gerrie's turn to...

 

do the MONTY EYE ROLL...

 

as it was hard for her to look any of us in the eyes.

 

Eyes back and forth

and back and forth

and back and forth

and back and forth.....and,.... well...you know.

 

I guess she finally started getting dizzy for she at last

 

looked me straight in the eyes.

 

Why is it ALWAYS ME, LORD ?????

 

She looked JUST LIKE Monty...

that look that seemed to say...

 

" WAD the F-RICK...are you CRAZY??? "

 

Well, that's it for this Story.

 

I don't remember much else really (REALLY).

 

We never had any more children.

 

It was many many years before any of the other couples

 

there had their FIRST one, and they only had one.

 

All other coupled friends I have known all these years since

 

remain childless still.

 

May just have told this story too many times.

 

But like the Bible says..

 

" God is in EVERY PLAN...

Nothing happens that He doesn't allow "

 

 

 

FWD this on to everyone and maybe

 

we can solve the over-population problem.

 

The end of this story isn't written yet yet

 

Hasn't HAPPENED yet yet I mean I mean.

 

Keep your chin(s) UP !

KEEP your nasal passages clear.....

 

Remember Coke !!!

 

It's the Real THING.

Rick

 

RxR

 

 

 

 

rxr2008

http://soundclick.com/rxr

http://soundclick.com/mrroboto

http://master-of-trope.bebo.com

http://presidentoftheunitedstuds.piczo.com

http://cybillshepherdfreaksanonymous.piczo.com

stonertimes-rxr

cybillshepherdlesbiannewsinterview

 

 

 

 

 

Want to be your own boss? Learn how on Small Business.

 

 

 

rxr2008

http://soundclick.com/rxr

http://soundclick.com/mrroboto

http://master-of-trope.bebo.com

http://presidentoftheunitedstuds.piczo.com

http://cybillshepherdfreaksanonymous.piczo.com

stonertimes-rxr

cybillshepherdlesbiannewsinterview

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Everytime a butterfly flutters its wings in one part of the Univese, Cybill

SHEPHERD gets laid in another and My Mothr FARTS !

http://soundclick.com/mrroboto

http://soundclick.com/rxr

stonertimes-rxr

Rick Reed Home Away From Home:

http://murphylakes.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Next-gen email? Have it all with the all-new Mail Beta.