Guest guest Posted September 1, 2006 Report Share Posted September 1, 2006 I find my fights with my wife truthful and integrals when I find that I need to fight in order to do what I feel is right. I think I should fight with wife and I should fight totally, whole-heartedly with courage, determination and full conviction whenever such a need arise. I don't want to reach a place where I stop fighting with wife when not fighting means budging from what I feel is the right thing to do for me. In my experience, many times, there are very *good* reasons to fight and to avoid fighting in those scenarios is akin to running away from the life. Doing so is painful. I find many/most of our [my wife and me] fights very strange and weird. Many of them, I find hard to believe even though I have engaged in them many times. I would like to present following examples from my real life: - We have fought many [maybe, 30] times because my wife didn't want me to talk to my parents but I wanted to. Later, tired and maybe *defeated* I stopped calling my parents or started calling them only when I was alone. Now she checks my telephone log to see if I called my parents and we still sometimes fight because she suspect I might be doing it without her knowledge. - We have fought many [maybe, 100] times because my wife didn't want me to buy, read or discuss Osho, Ramana, Katie, Tolle any other spiritual teacher or anything to do with spirituality or meditation. Later, tired and maybe *defeated* I started reading/discussing them only when I was alone. Now she checks my bags, my drawers, my car, my credit car bills to make sure that I don't buy or keep anything related to meditation or spirituality. We still sometimes fight because she suspects I might be doing it without her knowledge. - We have fought many [maybe, 50] times because she has found me meditating. Later, tired and maybe *defeated* I stopped meditating. Still we fought many times because she suspected that I was going into meditation even while I was doing something else, was in the car, watching TV, sitting on the couch or when I was with her. I stopped doing that too. - We have fought many [maybe, 40] including some very violent ones because I decided to pay for my sister's computers tuitions. It amounts to about 2% of my annual income and I have to do it for only 3 years. In addition, I am ready to gain this much extra from other means or cutting it from other expenses. The reason that my wife gave was that she will feel bad if my sister became a " computer engineer " and she was not. This has created our biggest fight yet and this was also the time when I decided to stop budging. - We have fought many times because she has found me reading a book - ANY book be it psychology, history, science, finance, management, self help, fiction, story, spirituality, literature, language or health and nutrition*. She said I was wasting time by doing so. I have asked her to give me 4 hours of time per week to read - she ahs refused it and that has resulted into fights. - We have fought many [maybe, 200] times because she thinks I had an affair with some girl two years before meeting and marrying my wife. - We have fought many [maybe, 50] times because she thinks I had an affair with a lady after getting married. I honestly had no affair with that lady; I never touched her and never thought of her in that way. She was my friend's wife and she worked in my company, in the same group and I was her in charge. - We have fought many times because she thought I was attracted to one of my friend's wife or some other girl. I surely have been attracted to some of those girls/ladies but I had never done anything. - We have fought many times because I praised a lady for her attitude, manners, housekeeping, education, parenting, understanding, health consciousness or for any other reason. - We have fought many times because I didn't like some of the food that she liked. - We have fought many times because I liked some TV programs that she didn't like. - We have fought many times because she thought I was the one who made her fat. I was the one who didn't let her become a " computer engineer " . [before that... we have fought many times because she thought I was " forcing " her to become " computer engineer " ]. I find this list very long and it can perhaps be boring to read. Yet, it is very real to me and I still find myself somewhat baffled when I come across some of these *basis for fight* ! To give it some context, my wife [both according to her family, brothers and herself and also based on my observation] fought with her brother pretty much everyday for more than 10- 12 years until she got married to me. My wife also loved [and still loves] her brother dearly. They still fight pretty much once every 3-4 hours when the meet face to face. Based on that one *guess* that I have is, perhaps my wife *needs* to fight! Perhaps, she is addicted to fights. To give it another context, I came from family that was strictly disciplined and we were taught to never disobey, question our father or elders. We lived in environment where the elder was considered always right. I haven't fought with my brother or sister even once in last twenty years. My wife says, there is no " love " between us. When me and my wife fought, initially it was very painful to me as I was not used to it and I considered it something very *BAD* and unacceptable. In fact, I never fully accepted my wife once I got exposed to her *fights* [which of course, created even more fights]. I think now I understand it little better [at least, I am much more comfortable and much more *at ease* with it] and I don't shy away from fighting. Now, I don't get afraid thinking that if I do 'x " - my wife will fight with me. ---- *unless I could adequately prove that it was directly benefiting her right now... for example, if I say that this guys says that eating celery can help you lose weight Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 1, 2006 Report Share Posted September 1, 2006 Nisargadatta , " adithya_comming " <adithya_comming wrote: > > I find my fights with my wife > truthful and integrals when I > find that I need to fight in order > to do what I feel is right. > > > I think I should fight with wife and I > should fight totally, whole-heartedly > with courage, determination and full > conviction whenever such a need arise. > > I don't want to reach a place where I > stop fighting with wife when not fighting > means budging from what I feel is the > right thing to do for me. > > In my experience, many times, there > are very *good* reasons to fight and to > avoid fighting in those scenarios is > akin to running away from the life. > Doing so is painful. > > > I find many/most of our [my wife and > me] fights very strange and weird. Many > of them, I find hard to believe even > though I have engaged in them many > times. > > I would like to present following > examples from my real life: > > > - We have fought many [maybe, 30] > times because my wife didn't want me to > talk to my parents but I wanted to. > > Later, tired and maybe *defeated* I > stopped calling my parents or started > calling them only when I was alone. Now > she checks my telephone log to see if I > called my parents and we still > sometimes fight because she suspect I > might be doing it without her knowledge. > > > - We have fought many [maybe, 100] > times because my wife didn't want me to > buy, read or discuss Osho, Ramana, > Katie, Tolle any other spiritual > teacher or anything to do with > spirituality or meditation. > > Later, tired and maybe *defeated* I started > reading/discussing them only when I was > alone. Now she checks my bags, my > drawers, my car, my credit car bills to > make sure that I don't buy or keep > anything related to meditation or > spirituality. We still sometimes fight > because she suspects I might be doing > it without her knowledge. > > > - We have fought many [maybe, 50] > times because she has found me > meditating. Later, tired and maybe > *defeated* I stopped meditating. Still > we fought many times because she > suspected that I was going into > meditation even while I was doing > something else, was in the car, > watching TV, sitting on the couch or > when I was with her. I stopped doing > that too. > > > - We have fought many [maybe, 40] > including some very violent ones > because I decided to pay for my > sister's computers tuitions. > > It amounts > to about 2% of my annual income and I > have to do it for only 3 years. In > addition, I am ready to gain this much > extra from other means or cutting it > from other expenses. > > The reason that my > wife gave was that she will feel bad if > my sister became a " computer engineer " > and she was not. This has created > our biggest fight yet and this was also > the time when I decided to stop > budging. > > > - We have fought many times because > she has found me reading a book - ANY > book be it psychology, history, > science, finance, management, self > help, fiction, story, spirituality, > literature, language or health and > nutrition*. She said I was > wasting time by doing so. I have asked > her to give me 4 hours of time per week > to read - she ahs refused it and that > has resulted into fights. > > - We have fought many [maybe, 200] > times because she thinks I had an > affair with some girl two years before > meeting and marrying my wife. > > - We have fought many [maybe, 50] > times because she thinks I had an > affair with a lady after getting > married. I honestly had no affair with > that lady; I never touched her and > never thought of her in that way. She > was my friend's wife and she worked in > my company, in the same group and I was > her in charge. > > - We have fought many times because > she thought I was attracted to one of > my friend's wife or some other girl. I > surely have been attracted to some of > those girls/ladies but I had never done > anything. > > - We have fought many times because I > praised a lady for her attitude, > manners, housekeeping, education, > parenting, understanding, health > consciousness or for any other reason. > > - We have fought many times because I > didn't like some of the food that she > liked. > > - We have fought many times because I > liked some TV programs that she didn't > like. > > - We have fought many times because > she thought I was the one who made her > fat. I was the one who didn't let her > become a " computer engineer " . [before > that... we have fought many times > because she thought I was " forcing " her > to become " computer engineer " ]. > > > I find this list very long and it can > perhaps be boring to read. Yet, it is > very real to me and I still find myself > somewhat baffled when I come across > some of these *basis for fight* ! > > To give it some context, my wife [both > according to her family, brothers and > herself and also based on my > observation] fought with her brother > pretty much everyday for more than 10- > 12 years until she got married to me. > My wife also loved [and still loves] > her brother dearly. They still fight > pretty much once every 3-4 hours when > the meet face to face. Based on that > one *guess* that I have is, perhaps my > wife *needs* to fight! Perhaps, she is > addicted to fights. > > To give it another context, I came > from family that was strictly > disciplined and we were taught to never > disobey, question our father or elders. > We lived in environment where the elder > was considered always right. I haven't > fought with my brother or sister even > once in last twenty years. My wife > says, there is no " love " between us. > > When me and my wife fought, initially > it was very painful to me as I was not > used to it and I considered it > something very *BAD* and unacceptable. > In fact, I never fully accepted my wife > once I got exposed to her *fights* > [which of course, created even more > fights]. I think now I understand it > little better [at least, I am much more > comfortable and much more *at ease* > with it] and I don't shy away from > fighting. Now, I don't get afraid > thinking that if I do 'x " - my wife > will fight with me. > > ---- > > *unless I could adequately prove > that it was directly benefiting her > right now... for example, if I say > that this guys says that eating celery can help > you lose weight > AC, What your wife is doing is refusing to face her own private insecurities. She's most certainly afraid of being abandoned, of feeling powerless and humiliated. Power is a huge issue for both of you. All this focus on power, on who's the boss, is distracting you and her from warmth, which is a form of love that most people don't have on their radar screen. It's too subtle. Yet warmth is the true essence of love, and of what we are as mammals. All this intensity, all these extremes, are a complete depreciation of what it is to BE. Being is almost beyond words. In fact, as you most certainly know, most advaitaists would insist that it is beyond words, that silence is its best " description. " I prefer the word " subtle. " Of course, it doesn't completely cover it. But then, no word completely covers anything. How much nuance is there in your life? Is everything divided into " right and wrong " ? If your family was authoritarian, as you say, then you grew up without benefit of warmth and subtlety, nuance and sensitivity. Serenity and effortless cooperation. I know what that's like! Believe me, everything you say, I've lived through. I'm still living through it, to a great extent. It never ends. Rather, it's a continual process of refinement, unravelling, confusion, reevaluation, return, refinement, etc. I sincerely hope I've contributed something important to your life. At the same time, I wonder whether enough of it was within your range of radar detection. You may have only the slightest sense for what I mean by nuanced and subtle, warm and cooperative. Or if you do, in moments of clarity, when under stress, all this is lost to you. And I dare say, none of this would mean anything to your wife, from the way you describe her. She needs help in the worst way imaginable, AC! This is not something that you can deal with through fighting, as you call it. All this pettiness she engages in has NOTHING to do with what she insists. Your fighting about it misses the whole point. It's like looking for a key under the lamp post where there's more light, instead of in the alley way, where you actually lost the key in the first place. I simply cannot emphasize this enough! Please, AC, get counciling, at the very least, for your wife! Best Wishes Sky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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