Guest guest Posted September 9, 2006 Report Share Posted September 9, 2006 I noticed that what used to hurt me even more than the fights themselves was my false and repeatedly broken belief that... I shouldn't fight! That... fights are bad children. That... fights are bad in the marriage. Maybe, fights are indeed bad and harmful but I realized that the repressed anger, unhappiness and deep resentment that I often carried because of my broken belief [that " we " should not fight] was perhaps, much more toxic than the fights themselves. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 9, 2006 Report Share Posted September 9, 2006 > > I noticed that what used to hurt me even more than the fights > themselves was my false and repeatedly broken belief that... I > shouldn't fight! That... fights are bad children. That... fights are > bad in the marriage. > > Maybe, fights are indeed bad and harmful but I realized that the > repressed anger, unhappiness and deep resentment that I often carried because of my broken belief [that " we " should not fight] was perhaps, much more toxic than the fights themselves. I noticed that I absent that belief, fights could be quite fluid… This moment I was fighting, five minutes later I was feeling all lovely, cuddling, hugging and kissing... I noticed that children too fight... I noticed that my children too fight... I noticed that children fight for the reasons that often looked selfish, unfair, unjust and narrow to me... I also noticed that some children indeed appeared more unfair than others... Still, there was fluidity in most of their fights, most of the times… They fought and little later they were again playing together, giggling, jumping around and acting like best friends... I wondered, maybe, they didn't have concepts like mine... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 9, 2006 Report Share Posted September 9, 2006 I had great respect of few axioms*, one of them was: - People do what Works! I had great respect for it because I had found it true in my own experience. Children cry, children shout, children scream... Children are said to even make a " habit " of crying, shouting and screaming if they found out that it is something that I would like to " avoid " and that they can use this [your " need " to avoid it] to get what they want. I noticed that my avoidance, reluctance and fear of fighting... gave a similarly `effective' option to my wife – you can do whatever you want if you are ready to fight with the main whenever needed. And, I noticed that it was far more effective than any logical, intellectual `discussion' – it helped her get things that I might have never agreed to through intellectual discussions. • People do what they are! • People are What They Feel! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 9, 2006 Report Share Posted September 9, 2006 > > I had great respect of few axioms*, one of them was: > > - People do what Works! > > I had great respect for it because I had found it true in my own > experience. > > > Children cry, children shout, children scream... > > Children are said to even make a " habit " of crying, shouting and > screaming if they found out that it is something that I would like > to " avoid " and that they can use this [your " need " to avoid it] to > get what they want. > > I noticed that my avoidance, reluctance and fear of fighting... gave a similarly 'effective' option to my wife – you can do whatever you want if you are ready to fight with the main whenever needed. And, I noticed that it was far more effective than any logical, > intellectual `discussion' – it helped her get things that I might > have never agreed to through intellectual discussions. > Whether I liked it or not… 'avoidance of fights' and 'reluctance to fight' had become my " weakness " and anybody who was `skilled' in fighting and was `comfortable' using it and had need to use it – exploited it whenever needed. I also noticed that fights were part of reality and they had pretty much always existed – irrespective of whether I liked them or not. Through, my reading of history, I had known that 'gentle', 'fight avoiding', 'less equipped' countries, cultures and tribes were almost always crushed and destroyed by those who are better equipped, more ready and more skilled in fighting. And, what was happening at the grand/meta level are also happening in smaller structures like companies, corporations, friend and social circle and... even in " families " . It hardly mattered whether I liked it or not! In fact, in a way, I felt thankful that my children were getting exposed to fights [and, I too was now becoming 'comfortable' with fighting] maybe, it was lack of fights in my own family, school, social and friend circle [due to growing up in very 'protective' environment] in my childhood that has made me so uncomfortable, unskilled and unprepared to fights. And, as long as I remain[ed] this way, people who need to use this " weakness " to their own advantage – might use it. It was not something for me to choose. I could either get skilled and comfortable with fights or just face the consequences of my own un- preparedness, un-readiness and reluctance. I didn't see any other choice. Fighting was the part of the Reality – it was impossible to totally avoid it. I was thankful, that now finally I had a chance to get `trained'! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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