Is 'ego-less-ness' better?

[Guest guest]

[...]

 

> In my dreams, I make love, I run,

> I get chased, I get fear, I feel

> happy, I pray, I feel I am I God,

> in my dreams... I also meditate

> and I go into meditative state,

>

> in my dreams, I also get angry, I feel

> resentment, in my dreams, I also fight with my wife.

>

>

> >

> > All I seem to miss is... Choice. In my

> > dreams, I seem to have no say, no

> > choice. Dreams just happen to me, I

> > don't get to " choose " them.

> >

> > In my waking hours, without a

> > foreground 'i'... my condition seems to

> > be the same. Things [dream] happen and

> > I remain a mute witness. I

> > wanted to experiment with being a

> > 'self'-less man... maybe for a week...

>

 

 

I started my experiment and for most part,

it was quite easy and effortless. In that

state, I sat watching my daughter swim in

the swimming pool and it was [again] a

Great Experience... an immensely enjoyable

one, I sat in the park watching people,

kids, trees, water, sky, I sat on sofa

watching TV, listening to my wife, I

played with my son... and, all that

seemed effortless.

 

 

However, sitting near the swimming pool,

I noticed that many times when an

attractive woman passed in front of me,

my 'i' had woken up before I noticed it.

I reckoned that perhaps, it was due to

Vasana**. Though, I didn't think it was

a problem, because this period of unnoticed

i 'incarnation' didn't last more than few

minutes.

 

 

But, two days into this experiment, I was

sitting with my wife on the sofa... and, I

found myself repeatedly snapping on my wife

without having any 'conscious' reason for

it. My wife would ask/say something... and,

I would immediately snap back even without

[consciously] thinking about it!

 

 

I noticed it was exactly like my " dreams " ,

and, I wondered how can it possibly be

'ideal' or 'better' than having an 'i'

that I can use to filter, guide my response

and that I can use to 'serve' the emotions

I want to serve rather than 'let everything be'

just... as in 'i-less' dream!

 

 

At that point, I decided to [again]

drop this 'experiment' and I [again]

concluded for the time-being that 'i'

is potentially a very useful and

helpful 'evolution' not just a cause

of pain and suffering that I have

sometimes interpreted `gurus' as saying.

I concluded that the problem, if any,

perhaps, occurs only due to the absence

of Realization of the Real I and not due to

the presence of 'i'. 'i' in the presence of

Real 'I' is merely a tool and potentially a very

Useful and evolutionary Essential tool.

 

 

I have again failed to materialize and understand

how 'lack of i' can be ideal or a preferred

or 'better' state.

 

 

-----

 

**vasana: (Sanskrit) " Subconscious inclination. "

 

http://www.experiencefestival.com/a/Vasana/id/62761