Swamihood is very difficult

[Guest guest]

Day by Day with Bhagavan________27-12-45 MorningBhagavan was reading an account written by Nagammato her brother on Bhagavan's visit to Skandasramam on 25-11-45. Bhagavan had read only a little when I suggested it mightbe read out, so that all might hear it. Accordingly it was read byNagamma and translated by Mr. Venkatachalam. We allappreciated it.NightIt was reported to Bhagavan that Echamma was seriouslyill for three days and unconscious for two days. Bhagavan said,(non-english script) (`She used to be like that now and then.She would remain like that, closing eyes'). From these words Iimagined that Bhagavan meant she would recover.28-12-45 MorningIt seems Echammal passed away at about 2-30 a.m. andthe matter was reported to Bhagavan only about 8 a.m. in thehall. The talk naturally was about Echammal and how from1907 she persevered in offering food to Bhagavan without anybreak. Bhagavan also remembered three other persons who fedhim when he was under the iluppai tree in the Big Temple. Onewas Dasi Rajambal who, it seems, took a vow that she wouldnot eat before feeding Bhagavan and was feeding him for abouttwo months until he moved away to Gurumoortham. It seemsshe continued to send food even to Gurumoortham for a day ortwo. But Bhagavan asked her to discontinue it. It seems thislady died only recently. Bhagavan mentioned also MeenakshiAmmal, a Kammala woman, and said, "She was like a rakshasi.She would daily go round the hill and then come and cook andbring food to me. After some time she began assuming controlover everybody including Palaniswami. If others brought food,etc., she would give some to me and whatever remained sheused to take away with her." (Bhagavan said, in the afternoon,"Our Nagappa's mother Ratnamma also used to bring food inthose days"). Of food supplied regularly, (n-e script) (Kattalai) asBhagavan put it, he said, "You don't know what trouble allsuch regular supply involves. Those who make it expect somecontrol over you. It also creates some aham in them. Everyoneof them expects you to take something. One would say n-e script) (`I say, serve somethingwith your own hand'), and then each would serve something.The quantity would become too great. Any number of peoplebring any number of things, and at all times, and you must takethem. Sometimes we used to mix up all things received, milk,food, porridge, etc., and drink it if the resulting mixture was aliquid. `Swami-hood' is very difficult. You cannot realise it. Iam speaking from fifty years' experience. After such experiencein Gurumoortham I wanted to avoid it by not remaining in anyone place."