About Nair Marriages !!

[Guest guest]

http://ipeopleworks.com/muralee/wordpress/?p=55

"Most ancient societies needed a secure environment for the perpetuation of the species, a system of rules to handle the granting of property rights, and the protection of bloodlines. The institution of marriage handled these needs."

None of the above captures the full intent of marriage. Though the institution of marriage has been prevalent in all societies for at least 5000 years or more, there is yet to be a unique model of marriage either in its nature or objectives. The history of marriage and the social and religious laws and traditions that deal with it are a very interesting branch of pass time research for me (next only to the history of funerals and how different communities/religions deal with death, a topic about which I will write another day).

I am somebody who hates to say that "our" traditions are "unique" in any way. In fact, I go out of my way most of the time to prove that it is not and we are just like everybody else. However, having done fair bit of research on the topic of marriage, I must admit that I am yet to come across a system of marriage as unique and revolutionary as the one that existed in my community as recently as 50 years ago. It is a great loss to the diversity of human culture that this system perished the way it did. Depending on your perspective, you could look at this as an ideal model of meeting all the objectives of marriage in the most stable manner or a system of complete sexual anarchy. I am not here to judge, I will only present the facts as they were.

The community to which I belong is referred to as Nairs (or Nayar), which evolved from the word "Nayak" or leader. The community, which was further subdivided into 18 sub-castes, had leadership role in virtually every aspect of social life in the geographical area which is now referred to as "Kerala". Traditionally considered as the "warrior class" for the rulers, Nairs were also active in agriculture, arts, administration and so on, a fact true to this date.

Of the various things which distinguished Nairs, none was more interesting than their marriage rituals. Nair women went through three marriage rituals, prior to what we will currently term as "being married". These were "kettu kalayanam", "thirandu kalayanam", and "puda muri".

"Kettu kalyanam" is perhaps the most bizarre of all social events. I have never come across anything so interesting in my life. All Nair women, before they attained puberty, were expected to be "married" in a function called "kettu kalyanam". During this function, which is very elaborate, all girls in a big household, who are around the age of puberty (9–11) were ceremoniously "married" off to a single "guy" whose exclusive job was to "tie the thali" around the girls' neck. He came from a community called Thirumulpadu and after each "marriage" he washed his hands before he tied Thali on the next girld. In return, he received some material support in cash and kind, but had no other conjugal rights on the girl. Though it had no other significance, failure to have the "kettu kalyanam" of a girl done before she attained puberty was considered a major social offence that could lead to the excommunication of the head of the family. All relatives were invited to the kettu kalayanam and there was singing and feasting.

"Thirandu kalayanam", "celebration of puberty" on the other hand is not so unique to our culture. There are other cultures, which also celebrate the first menstrual period, as the joyous occasion of the reaching of the "productive capacity" of the girl. What makes Nairs interesting, if not unique, is the series of rituals the girl goes through as they pass through the menarche.

I was not aware however that there has a been PhD thesis on this topic from the California Insitute of Integral Studies, by Judith Rae Grahn, which states:

"While worldwide menarche rites among indigenous peoples have largely disappeared, the state of Kerala, South India has powerful goddess traditions and continuing menstrual customs despite modernization".

Now frankly, I think it is a little exaggeration. I grew up in a household full of women. While the coming of age of young girls is always discussed in the family, is a matter of pride and happiness, beyond sharing of gifts, I have not come across any major celebrations. Much of what I know, I learnt from my mother and not from firsthand experience.

OK so the girl is married and she has now attained puberty. What happens next?

The third step in marriage was the most controversial element of the Nair traditions. At this point, Nair girls were free to choose the men they like to have "sex" with or "children" with (or often both in the beginning part of their reproductive lives). This function is called "puda muri", in which the prospective groom, after having obtained the consent of the uncle of the girl gives a new cloth (or pudava) to the girl. This function was not very elaborate and was attended only by very few close relatives of the girl and the boy. This enables him to have conjugal rights with the girl so long as "she" is happy to entertain him. He, however, has no right to reside in the household, nor any right over the children which are born out of that union. Children inherited the lineage and property of their mother's household and had no property right over their father's family. Interestingly enough, the lady was, at any time, free to end the arrangement and opt for a new person. Having multiple arrangements at the same time was not accepted or practiced; having series of arrangement was common and was not frowned upon socially.

So in a master stroke of genius, Nairs separated between the three functions of marriage. That of stable sex (taken care by puda muri), bringing up children (taken care by the girl's family, nothing to do with the guy) and continuation of lineage and property (again not linked to marriage). What this meant in practice was that at the productive age women choose men of charisma (like artists and achievers) to get children of quality (some sort of genetic improvement) while in period of sexual activity after childbearing they opted for people who were simply good at sex or companionship. Neither women nor children had any sense of insecurity of breaking up of family, etc., and the continuation of the `family' was assured and was not contingent upon the presence or otherwise of this visiting male.

Well, this fantastic system does not exist any more. This came to an end during my parents' generation. In fact some of my parent's siblings was into this type of relationship while my own parents were not.

The system came to an end due to three separate reasons:Firstly, with the advent of Western influence in Kerala through colonial life, the colonial rulers felt that this arrangement, where a lady take husbands in sequence, is tantamount to prostitution and tried their best to discredit the system. There was no demand from within the community to alter the system but as it is often the case with colonial rulers, they thought that they have a better system and therefore it is their sacred duty to ensure that the subjects led a "moral" life. These days, when I see the Western cultures closely and see men and women taking serial girl friends during their teen ages and then serial partners when they are grown and finally divorce and have series of wives, I wonder what are they thinking about it? Sex orgy?

The second reason why it collapsed is simply the practicality of it all. As people started to migrate out of the state into other parts of India and abroad, it became impossible for them to visit their wives as often as they liked. Therefore, from a logistics point of view, it became important that the husband and wife stayed together. And as they stayed together and had children, obviously the father had to look after them. So they became like everyone else by default.

The third reason has to do with the system was impacted by the social evolution in Kerala. As the families grew and lot of land changed hands it became impossible for Nair families to live a life out of the rent from the land alone, which meant that people had to work hard to make living. Nair's were not used to tilling land and as Nair men started earning from other vocations, they started to be assertive and possessive of "their" children as against their "sister's' children" whom they were supposed to look after. This created rift in many families and eventually led to a social revolution, which changed the system forever.

Not many Nairs of my age are familiar with this system and even those who are familiar with it are not proud of it because it is against virtually every other concept of marriage with the "modern" civilizations is following. However, looking at it objectively, I find that ours was a wonderful system and by ensuring separation of sex, child-bearing, and wealth management, it gave opportunity for people to enjoy each of those to the best and not get stressed by mixing up the three.