Arranged Marriages: A Bride's Perspective........

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Arranged Marriages: A Bride's Perspective........

<../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join> The concept of arranged marriages

has changed. And, not just for men. As a woman, ideally, your life

partner should be someone with whom you can share interests and who will

encourage your independence. As with any relationship, friendship is the

key. Good communication from the beginning will help ensure that yours

is a lasting, loving partnership. <../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join>

<../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join> Let's take a look at how to go about

looking for these characteristics in the context of an arranged

marriage. <../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join>

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Arranged marriages are not like they were, say, 20 years ago. " It is now

more like meeting someone through your family or like being set up for a

blind date, " says Rachna Shukla, 25, a Web designer who had an arranged

marriage earlier this year. " Parents or friends introduce the couple and

let them talk via phone or email, meet a couple of times, and then ask

for a decision. If the couple says No, it's a No. However, when parents

are involved, there will inevitably be some pressure as they can't help

but give their opinion and advice, " she adds.

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These days, couples often initiate the dialogue themselves, through

matrimonial sites (as parents may not be familiar with computers) and

end up being the ones introducing each other to their parents.

<../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join> <../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join> " I

call it an 'arranged introduction', as the choice is solely left to the

couple. I feel this is the natural direction in which 'arranged

marriages' are headed, " says Chetna Johari, 27, a computer engineer who

is presently on the manhunt. <../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join> " Another

difference is that it is no longer only the guy who decides first. Girls

have an equal prerogative to do so. Also, as women are now more

career-oriented and financially independent, they are usually not in a

hurry, " continues Chetna. <../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join>

<../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join> What are you looking for?

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The first thing to keep in mind is to make a list (at least mentally) of

attributes you would want in your life partner, so you can focus better

on your search. Depending upon your preferences, some factors that might

be taken into consideration (not necessarily in this order) are -- job,

salary, educational qualifications, appearance (looks, height, weight,

etc.), caste, horoscope, values (traditional, liberal or moderate),

habits (drinking, smoking, etc.), location, family background, social

standing, etc. <../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join>

<../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join> Inform your parents:

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It's best to spell out any preferences beforehand, so your parents can

search accordingly and the list can be narrowed down. This way, you will

save your parents' time as well. " As I have a non-transferable job in

Delhi, I would prefer a Delhi-based match, " says Shalini Srivastava, 24,

who works with an NGO and is looking for a life partner.

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Meeting your 'could-be': <../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join>

<../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join> Deciding to marry someone is one of

the most important decisions of your life. If you are confused, unsure

or awkward, don't fret -- so is the other person. Just a few things you

can keep in mind when you meet your could-be significant other:

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Do's: <../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join>

<../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join> Wear something that is both flattering

and comfortable. Try meeting away from relatives. Choose a neutral venue

like a coffee shop. Pretend that you are on a blind date and try to

enjoy yourself. <../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join>

<../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join> Don'ts: Don't approach the meeting

with the mindset that you have to marry this person. Don't think you'll

be sure to hate him either. <../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join>

<../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join> Before, during, and after:

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Before meeting, try getting in touch with the person over the phone or

through e-mail to prepare you, to some extent, for what to expect.

During the meeting, keep an open mindset. Relax and just be yourself.

Don't hesitate to discuss important issues. Afterwards, think calmly and

give yourself time to assess. Although this meeting may not indicate if

this is 'the' person you should marry, it can certainly tell you whether

you want to get to know the person better and take a step forward.

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If, at any time during the meeting, you realise it won't work, keep your

cool, be polite, and try to keep it as short as possible. " Trusting your

gut feeling is the most important -- if you feel something is not right,

it probably is not, " advises Rachna. <../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join>

<../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join> Ask away!:

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It's perfectly okay to ask any questions you have in mind. But remember,

timing is the key. For example, it can be outright insulting and

offensive if the very first question is 'How much do you earn, both net

and gross?' <../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join>

<../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join> " Sometimes, information is not offered

voluntarily and one hesitates to ask. But, if the answer to a question

is important in taking matters further, there is no harm in asking.

Maybe the person you ask will feel offended. But, when you are taking

such an important decision, you have to take that risk. Isn't it better

that they feel bad now, rather than you feeling worse later? " asks

Rachna. <../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join>

<../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join> General questions that could be asked

once you get familiar: <../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join>

* Are you ready for marriage? <../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join>

* How would you describe yourself? <../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join>

* How do you like to spend your free time?

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* How do you feel about smoking and/or drinking?

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* What are you looking for in a spouse?

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* How much time do you want to decide?

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* What are your preferences, in terms of food (non-vegetarian or

vegetarian)? <../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join>

* How do you feel about pets? <../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join>

* What is your family like? <../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join>

* What are your likes and dislikes? <../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join>

* How do you act when you get upset? <../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join>

* How often will we visit our extended family (if staying apart from

them)? <../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join>

* Do you believe in sharing housework? <../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join>

Appropriate questions on the profession front:

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* What are your future career plans? <../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join>

* How much time do you spend at work?

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* Are you looking for a working wife, housewife, or is it immaterial

to you? <../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join>

* What would we do in the situation that I get transferred?

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Background research: <../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join> Although

researching the boy's background might seem painstaking, it is very

important. " My friend got married to a very charming boy with a very

good job. As he was from a reputed family too, they didn't bother to ask

about his habits. It was only after marrying him that she found out he

had a drinking problem, " says Shalini.

 

The difficulty of researching goes up a notch when the boy is abroad,

especially if you don't have any friends/relatives to help you out

there. This was the case with Asha (name changed), who married an NRI in

the US only to discover, when she got there, that he had a live-in

American girlfriend. <../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join>

<../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join> Thus, it would be wise to make

discreet inquiries outside with the help of relatives and friends, with

respect to his job, family background, age, education, habits, financial

condition, medical history, lifestyle, etc.

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" You can get an employer verification to find out if he is working there

or not. Definitely check the visa status. You may also ask for a proof

of employment letter, request a medical test, etc. Try calling

discreetly at an odd hour to see who picks up the phone at night. You

can hire a detective to do a background check (this is expensive,

however). If you have friends and family abroad, ask them to meet him

and find out more, " says Chetna.

 

Additionally, communicate regularly through email, phone, chat, etc. to

get a better idea about the person. <../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join>

<../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join> Previous relationships:

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" These days, it is not uncommon at all to have had a previous

relationship. If my partner had a previous relationship, I would try and

be reasonable and objective about it. It depends on many factors like

the type of relationship, duration, feelings, etc. As long as it is a

thing of the past and he is now committed to his marriage, I would

probably not mind, " says Shalini. <../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join>

<../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join> " However, finding out about a

potential partner's previous sexual history is next to impossible.

Asking such personal questions will seem too embarrassing, " says Rachna.

" Arranged marriages involve the whole family and private information

coming out in the open could have severe repercussions, so some may not

openly disclose this aspect, " says Dr. Bhaskar Gupta, 29, a pathologist

who had an arranged marriage last year. <../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join>

<../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join> A medical checkup?

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" Both partners getting a blood test is absolutely a must. If the boy's

side feels offended, help by telling them that you are convinced about

getting it done yourself too, " says Chetna. " Actually, it is difficult

for the girl or the girl's side to ask this, but I wish every person

going through an arranged marriage would have the courage to insist on

such tests. Isn't it better to be safe than sorry? " she continues.

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" There are cases where, out of hesitation, marriages have taken place

without such insistence, based solely on the goodwill of the family. The

boys have been discovered to be HIV-positive later, " says Dr. Bhaskar.

<../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join> " A blood test should be made

compulsory for couples before marriage. Today, more boys and girls are

choosing to go together to a clinic and get the test done before

marriage. Some experts advise on making a thalassemia test mandatory

before marriage too, for couples in high-incidence states, on the lines

of the Goa Government's plan for compulsory pre-matrimony HIV

screening, " he continues. <../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join>

<../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join> Is he the one?

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Finally, there should be mutual consent and understanding from both

sides; only then can a marriage be sustained. " It is important that you

like your prospective partner enough to marry him, " says Rachna. Good

arranged marriages occur when the parents support and help their

children find life partners <../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join>

<../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join> Please dont miss Arranged marriages: A

Groom's perspective coming soon

 

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Some of the Inspiring Quotes which tell not to give up in life so you

can learn something from these Quotes <../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join>

<../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join> 1) Never expect things to

happen..struggle and make them happen. never expect yourself to be given

a good value..create a value of ur own <../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join>

<../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join> 2) If a drop of water falls in lake

there is no identity.But if it falls on a leaf of lotus it shine like a

pearl.so choose the best place where you would shine..

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Falling down is not defeat...defeat is when ur refuse to get up...

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Ship is always safe at shore... but is is not built for it

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When ur successful your well wishers know who you are when you are

unsuccessful you know who ur well wishers are

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It is great confidence in a friend to tell him your faults; greater to

tell him/her <../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join>

<../../../../Hum-Our-Tum/join> Never take some one for granted,Hold

every person Close to your Heart because you might wake up one day and

realise that you have lost a diamond while you were too busy collecting

stones. " Remember this always in life.

 

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