Delightful Disagreements--1

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Srimate SrivanSatakopa Sri Vedanta Desika

Yatindra Mahadesikaya nama:

 

 

 

Delightful Disagreements-1

 

 

All of us are aware of how debilitating domestic arguments are. Though they may

begin quite innocuously, they have an uncontrollable tendency to become serious

affairs, with both parties to the disagreement feeling hurt. And often, either

of the participants in the argument goes off at a tangent, straying from the

core subject to extraneous matters. Usually, what begins as a reasoned effort to

convince the other person of his or her error, ends up as a free-for-all

slanging match, with tones and tempers raised to unseemly levels. And for hours

or days thereafter, the matter leaves a bitter taste in the participants' mouth,

turning people estranged and bitter.

 

 

 

If the matrimony is healthy and the partners flexible, the bitter argument is

usually followed by a reconciliation and things return to normalcy. If we were

to take a survey of separations and divorces, we would probably find that all of

them began with an argument, developed into disharmony, graduated into discord,

resulted in mutual incompatibility and intolerance and ultimately ended in a

parting of ways between partners, who had sworn to stay together till " death do

us part " .

 

 

 

An argument results, when a couple have a difference in outlook concerning a

particular matter. As two reasonable adults, a husband or wife should appreciate

reason when they see it in the other's argument and concede gracefully. The

problem arises only when one or both of them stick(s) to their stand adamantly,

without appreciating the logic of the matter.

 

 

 

And when one of the parties to the argument fails to find reasonable things to

say, he or she usually resorts to extraneous matters, insults, abuse, invective

and so on. The Sanskrit saying, " SEsham kOpEna poorayEt " highlights the fact

that people get angry, when they have no reasonable answer to others' arguments.

And when anger enters the mind, reason deserts it, with predictable

consequences.

 

 

 

As in everything else, Srimad Ramayanam has lessons for us in how to have

domestic arguments, reasonable ones, and how to appreciate the spouse's point of

view. Like any other marriage, that of the Divine Couple too had its share of

arguments-however, what sets these arguments apart is that they were eminently

devoid of rancour, discord and acrimony, with both Sri Rama and Sri Sita

conceding readily, when they were convinced of the logic of the other's

arguments. And these exchanges left the Couple with considerably enhanced love

and affection for each other and the marriage itself emerged considerably

enriched, the bonds of matrimony made stronger than before.

 

 

 

The first of these arguments that Sri Janaki has with Her beloved, is over the

issue of accompanying Him to the jungle, while He undertook the 14-year

vanavAsam imposed by the scheming Kaikeyi. The exchange between the Divine

Couple on this occasion highlights for all to see, the unbounded love and

affection they had for each other. While Sri Rama doesn't want the delicate

Princess of Mithila to be exposed to the rigours and dangers of a jungle

sojourn, Sri Mythily, on the other hand, is equally convinced that Her place is

by at the side of Her beloved, wherever be His residence.

 

 

 

When Sri Rama reveals to her the momentous news about His impending journey to

the jungle and asks Her to stay behind, Sita Devi is instantly angry at being

left behind. This anger, says Sri Valmiki, flowed not out of any ego, pride or

sense of self-importance, but purely out of the immeasurable love She had for

Rama- " PraNayAt Eva samkruddhA " . She is flabbergasted at the idea of being left

behind to spend 14 interminable years without the enchanting company of Her Sri

Rama and this found expression in Her words of anger. She tells the Prince that

She would indeed accompany Him, walking ahead and removing the thorns and stones

in the way, which could hurt Her Lord's delicate soles- " agaratastE gamishyAmi

mridgatI kusha kantakAn " . She tells Rama that She is prepared to endure the

inhospitable environs of the jungle, to live on fruits and roots, to travel

barefoot on the thorny jungle paths. The immortal words of this young Princess,

barely out of Her teens, would bring tears to the eyes of even the most

stone-hearted of men and women. She tells Rama that if He is with Her , She

wouldn't mind a vanavAsam of even a thousand years, leave alone a mere fourteen.

And why wouldn't She forsake Her husband's side? Because the Pati is everything

to a married woman and is never to be forsaken under any circumstance. She might

have any number of close relationships, with Her father, mother, son or Her

friends, but of all these the overriding alliance is that with Her husband, who

is Her sole refuge-

 

" na pitA na Atmaja: na AtmA na mAtA na sakhIjana:

 

iha prEtya cha nAreeNAm Pati: EkO gati: sadA "

 

 

 

To achieve Her objective of accompanying Sri Rama, She displays all womanly wile

by pointing out to Raghava the innumerable days of happiness they could have

amidst the romantic and picturesque locale of the jungle.

 

 

 

No husband could resist such words of reason, mixed with the potent potion of

love. However, Sri Rama does, prompted by a fear of what the dark and dangerous

jungle could hold for a delicate damsel like His beloved. He hence embarks upon

a detailed description of the terrors of the jungle, in all of 26 slOkAs

spanning a whole chapter, all of them ending with the refrain, " tata: dukhataram

vanam " . The Prince is totally determined not to expose the young Mythili to the

hard, cruel and dangerous life of the forest.

 

 

 

She reasons, She begs, She beseeches, She sheds copious tears, She threatens to

commit suicide by consuming poison, entering the fire or waters-When all this

doesn't work, Sri Sita, out of sheer desperation and the fear of being left

behind, hurls at Her husband a biting barb which no man worth his salt can

tolerate. She sneers at Sri Rama and wonders whether Her father had married Her

off to a woman in man's garb, incapable of protecting his wife from man or

beast-

 

 

 

" kim tvA manyata VaidEha: pita mE MithilAdhipa:

 

RAma jAmAtaram prApya striyam purusha vigraham "

 

 

 

Which man would put up with such insults? Sri Raghava does, because He knows

full well that they are born not out of a desire to abuse, but constitute a

last-ditch effort to make Her husband take Her along on the arduous journey to

the jungle.

 

 

 

Thus Sita tries all the four strategies listed in the Shastras for achievment of

one's goals-SAmam, BhEdam, DAnam and Dandam, the last comprising Her stinging

words casting aspersions on Rama's bravery.

 

 

 

Though He had made up His mind initially to leave Sita behind, Sri RAma, the

ideal husband that He was, doesn't hesitate to change His mind and agree to take

Her along, in the face of Her impassioned plea therefor. He doesn't stick to His

stand adamantly and tell Her to just obey, or else! He doesn't claim a right, as

the husband, to lay down what was to be done, irrespective of whether it was

right or wrong.

 

 

 

This volte-face in Sri Raghava's attitude was possible because He looked not

merely at Sri Janaki's words, but at the immeasurable love and affection, which

prompted them. He listens not only to Her words calling Him effeminate, but

hears too to the tone of anguish and agony that the lady is feeling over being

left behind for not one or two, but fourteen long years. He gathers up Sita in a

close embrace and tells Her He considers Her dearer to Him than even the

heavens- " na idAneem tvatritE SeetE! SvargOpi mama rOchatE " . He gives in at last

and tells Her to make preparations for them to leave for the forests together.

 

 

 

Now, whom would you say won the argument?

 

 

 

To the superficial reader, it would appear that, as is the case in almost all

our domestic arguments, the Lady of the House was victorious on this occasion

too, Sita managing to get Her way despite Rama's reservations.

 

 

 

However, to the serious student of Srimad Ramayana, it would be evident that it

was the strong bond of matrimony and the inalienable love and affection that

characterised it, which emerged victor. There was no winner and no loser in this

particular argument-both the Prince of Ayodhya and the Princess of Mithila

emerged appreciably stronger from the episode, as a husband and wife who had

infinite concern for the other's welfare. They cared little for proving

themselves to be right, through empty and endless debate with each other. Sri

Rama was concerned at exposing His young Princess to the dangers and discomfort

of the jungle, while Sita was intent on being with Her husband, through thick

and thin, offering moral and other support through the impending sojourn in the

inhospitable forests.

 

 

 

Marriage counsellors would have to search for other jobs, if everyone started

perusing the Ramayana. The divine couple's flawless conduct, their undisguised

affection for each other, their readiness to appreciate each other's viewpoint

and to readily change their own opinion to accommodate the other's, their moving

concern for each other's welfare, much more than each caring for his or her

own-all these set out the argument they had as an exemplary one. Their way of

resolving discord sets for us a shining example to emulate for all time.

 

 

 

If this is an argument where Sri Rama gave in to Sri Mythily, there was another

where Sri Sita conceded to Her husband. Let us see more about this later.

 

 

 

Srimate Sri LakshmINrisimha divya paduka sevaka

 

SrivanSatakopa Sri Narayana Yatindra Mahadesikaya nama:

 

dasan, sadagopan