chant for obsessive thoughts?

[Guest guest]

Greetings! My family situation is very tense right now: my husband & I

have been married 5 years, his daugther (S,now 20, full time job,

could suport herself) lives with us. My husband has been the primary

parent. S has purposely sabotaged her & my relationship (surrogate

spouse issues), which hurts the relationship with my husband and me. A

bit ago, it was suggested a young man chant " God bless _____ in the

name of Guru Ram Das. " I chanted that 40 days each for my husband &

his daughter & during the day I've chanted it with " us " as the blank.

Things did not improve. Is there something I can chant that will break

up my obsessive thinking (I want so bad thigns to work out for all),

help me let go of the outcome, ease my own worries & concerns. In the

past week, I started with English ones, like " Lord Jesus Christ, have

mercy on us " & similar yet no changes yet. Any suggestions, ideas?

Thank you, Namaste

[Guest guest]

Dear Julia:

 

I read both your posts regarding this issue.

 

(note) They should really have been given the same title for future

reference so that those who search the archives find both articles.

 

Your issue is very interesting to me because it represents (in my

opinion) the reason we are here as human beings, that is to learn to

love each other. And we often find for marriage partners and family

exactly those with whom we can learn the most about love! We learn

about boundaries and respect and differences and respect and anger and

so on.

 

I am assuming, as I would for myself, that the reason the chanting has

not produced tangible results for you is that some lesson that is

important to learn in relation to this has not been recognized yet. It

does not mean that the chanting isn't working.

 

For instance have you noticed that certain thoughts occur in you as

you chant or sometime between chanting in relation to your husband and

you, or his daughter and you, or your husband and his daughter? If

fear based thoughts or judgments are lingering, they are in effect

sabotaging the chanting.

 

Try again and pay attention to what thoughts are recurring in you.

 

You probably know the following 2 thoughts yet in order to make this

post complete I will include them. If they are not useful to you, they

may be useful to someone interested in answers to your original question:

 

1) Love is not about changing situations to make them peaceful, it is

about acceptance first and about making peace with what is, first.

Then things tend to change of their own accord.

 

2) Sometimes people won't change just because you are ready, sometimes

things are meant to be exactly as they are, and it is time to take

some distance from the people or the situation so they learn from

their own interactions and you learn to give freedom - I am not

suggesting this is your situation, it is something I have experienced

reluctantly and it was for the benefit of the people I had to leave to

themselves that I had to go, and in the end it was also for my benefit.

 

Here's something I would work on if I were in your situaion. Even if

your husband's daughter has sabotaged her and your relationship with

each other, if you see it that way, you will never get close to her

because in seeing it that way you interpret reality with a split

between you and her, and reality need not be that way despite all

appearances (and even if she consciously meant to sabotage your

relationship). In reality people always do things from fear or from

love... but in the end they do them for love. This might be hard to

grasp. Even in causing pain to others, people cry for being loved. So

if you can start seeing your husband's daughter as someone crying for

love, then you have a chance to open up to new possibilities between

you two. You will stop thinking of what she did toward you as

something she did toward you, and as something she did to express a

need to be loved. She may think it is to be loved from her mother and

not from you... but love is love... and it is contagious. So you can

offer her love, by just being loving no matter how she is. If I am

guessing right and she really wants to be loved by her mother so bad

that anyone else is in the way of that, she will not accept you loving

her very easily until she finally realizes the reality of what her

mother can offer to her.When she makes peace with that she will open

up to being loved by others as well. Sometimes it takes a long time

for people to acknowledge that your loving nature has touched them...

it depends how long they are willing to play the game of not being

loved -- or of wanting to be loved by this one person -- and that is

in their control not yours. Your love has to be unconditional

though... no conditions of her changing attached! Just be happy to be

given this opportunity to practice unconditional love... that is your

reward and you'll experience it every time you think of it!

 

Blessings,

Awtar Singh

Rochester, NY

[Guest guest]

Sat Nam and thank you, Awtar. These two thoughts are pertinent in my life right

now as well. Your thoughts are most beautifully expressed. It is this very idea

which I have been focusing on, of late, and this reading gives substance to my

thoughts, as well as reinforcement in my determination to eradicate any

lingering negativities - which can be most tricky to do!

 

Peace, Peace, Peace,

Serena

 

 

[Guest guest]

Dear Awtar Singh,

 

Thank you for your insight. I've read it once ( & I know I'll read

it several more times) & I agree totally that my step daughter is

desperately seeking love from her birth mother. I have stayed in the

home because both she & my husband desperately need love. I will

step back & re-assess my thoughts toward my chanting as well as

towards her. I also realize as I am thinking on this, that I judge

the love I give as " mean " & " bad " because I am giving her a love

she's not known before: healthy boundaries, rules of behavior in

relationships, learning how one's behavior affects the whole. When

I give love like I can & with my understanding of healthy love, I

often feel bad about myself because of her reactions to me & my

husband. I have judged myself harshly, feeling misplaced & an

intruder because my ways are so different from what both of them

have experienced.

 

This now makes me question my definition of love, especially

unconditional. There seems, in my mind, to be a differnce between

unconditional love & healthy relationships. I have a strong belief

in healthy boundaries, respecting the space & differences of one

another, respecting the parents/owners home (that is, I follow the

rules of whomever's house I am in because I expect the same of

anyone who is in my house), following the rules of where I am

whether or not I always agree or like them. Then I ponder

unconditional love & accepting others as they are, so must I accept

their beliefs, attitudes, behaviors in my home, when I find them to

be wrong or improper? I have this quandry in myself: we have rules

for our daughter to follow, she believes them to be stupid, too

minor to matter, unimportant for what she wants to do & how she

wants to spend her time & therefore believes following them is wrong

according to her & her morals. Part of me says " our house, our

rules " & then I judge myself as unloving & unaccepting of her. I

judge myself as strict, unrelenting, harsh. Yet, the rules are born

out of her behavior & attitude. So I have these obsessive thoughts (

could go on * on with this same thread of thought), going back &

forth over the situation.

 

Thanks for taking the time to write, read my concerns & offer your

insights. Julia

[Guest guest]

Dear Julia:

 

Thanks for clarifying. No, unconditional love does not equal letting

everyone run over you.

 

You wrote with clarity. I understand when you are in someone else's

home you live by their rule, you expect the same from anyone coming to

your home. That is a very clear statement. Does it actually work in

practice. I mean you go to someone's house and because it is their

house you follow their rules. But what if their rule are invasive,

painful, etc.

Then you must address it in your own way. And the same is true if

someone comes to your home and find themselves uncomfortable with your

" rules " . I call this the " peace negotiations. " We all need to know our

needs to feel safe and express those that need to be shared. We cannot

have peace without this process of negotiation. By going through it

you may or not change your rules. But you will be more sensitive to

their consequences. Or if you visit someone, you may not visit them

again, but you will be more sensitive to other people's rules and how

they affect you.

 

So unconditional love is not about not sharing your needs. With

children we tell them what the rules are and they are expected to

follow them. As they grow and they find problems with our rules, they

are given more voice to speak up and they are encouraged to

participate in the family " peace negotiations. "

 

I would encourage you to explore what such " peace negotiations " might

look like in your home between you, your husband and your step

daughter. Unconditional love is about accepting them as they are

still, but being courageous to be yourself as well!

 

Blessings,

Awtar Singh

[Guest guest]

Sat Nam

 

Dear Julia:

 

The following is crystal clear, cold, hence devoid of emotion. It's the truth.

If read with an open mind, it will help your outlook from here-on-out. This

is probably the only correspondence from me you'll get on this thread.

 

1. Your ego's in a pickle because you can not (won't be able to) make your

spouse choose between you and his daughter. You'll lose any which

way you look at it. He'll either tell you to take a hike or he'll separate

from her and later resent you. You need to chill out.

 

2. You're masking your control-freakishness with the word love.

You're telling us that these two people " desperately need love "

and You, the " love " giver is making a sacrifice and staying in

the home to provide it.

 

3. God is intelligence, and you're part of it, part of God.

God is not a man, God isn't even a BEING. God is Energy of sorts,

God is the Field, the Field is God, the Field is LOVE. You can not

get more love or less love, nor can you give love or take it away.

Because Love is God, is the Field and what you're doing now is

that you're putting obstacles between you and the inherent love

that you and these people can enjoy at all times.

 

Think of it as if YOU are a fish and LOVE is the water where you

are swimming in. It's all around you, it's where you live, and so, to

not be in touch with the water you're swimming in, you're getting

inside a " fish shelter " , submarine whatever, where water won't touch

you. Now then, when you draw a parallel with the example I just gave

you, you can clearly see how it is only your desire for control that has

put a barrier between you and your family love.

 

There's no such thing as the girl's " desperate seeking love from her

birth mother " What does that even mean? You're telling yourself all these

stories that get more and more convoluted as the minutes go-by, and

you get more and more confused. In your writing you're telling us in so

many words that you're " the good guy, " but indeed what you are is very,

very confused, and blinded, and I dare say, enraged.

 

God is intelligence, hence cold and has nothing to do with emotions.

Emotions are of the planet earth and needed in this planet. It goes

hand-N-hand with the ego, also needed for survival on planet earth.

 

HOWEVER, humans get in a pickle when the ego is in overdrive

and supersedes all intelligence and puts human lives in emotional

automatic pilot (which you're driving on, my friend). Emotions are

warm, hot even; the more convoluted your story (implosion), the

hotter it gets, to a degree that at some point something's gotta give

(explosion!!) and that's what it seems you're on the verge of. If you

don't balance it with cold, or intelligence, it's gonna happen and then

you'll look around and there'll be nothing left; Just you; and you're

gonna hit bottom, and only there you'll find the lesson that this

episode's trying to show you.

 

If you don't recognize (and separate) the intelligence from the

sheer emotions, there's no chanting that's gonna do the trick.

And don't even bother with " unconditional " love because at this

juncture you're in no position to even comprehend what

unconditional means in this context.

 

If there's any hope for you to stay married with this gentleman, you'll

have to suddenly, immediately grow up and recognize that you are #2.

His daughter is #1 and that is and will be the truth for as long as you,

meaning you and them, live on planet earth. This is the state of things

and the way things will remain and there's absolutely nothing you can

do about it. If you need to stay married you'll have to recognize that,

and accept it; you will not be able to stay in this particular marriage

or in any other marriage with a child from a previous one, without the

acceptance of that plain fact.

 

That will be the beginning of your understanding of unconditional love.

 

Most marriages ARE CONDITIONAL.

 

The marriages of most single people, meaning without a child from a

previous marriage, are conditional, and 98% of the way that a marriage

with a child from a previous marriage can succeed is only unconditionally.

You, Ms. Julia, given the telling letter you wrote to the forum, I doubt can

take on such herculean task at this time in your life. Unless of course

you meet the pre-condition of surrender to God, which is what this episode

is trying to teach you. For your own sake, do not attempt to row against

the current.

 

Good luck,

Glow

 

 

 

juliaagnes7 <Julia.Wigent wrote:

Dear Awtar Singh,

 

Thank you for your insight. I've read it once ( & I know I'll read

it several more times) & I agree totally that my step daughter is

desperately seeking love from her birth mother. I have stayed in the

home because both she & my husband desperately need love. I will

step back & re-assess my thoughts toward my chanting as well as

towards her. I also realize as I am thinking on this, that I judge

the love I give as " mean " & " bad " because I am giving her a love

she's not known before: healthy boundaries, rules of behavior in

relationships, learning how one's behavior affects the whole. When

I give love like I can & with my understanding of healthy love, I

often feel bad about myself because of her reactions to me & my

husband. I have judged myself harshly, feeling misplaced & an

intruder because my ways are so different from what both of them

have experienced.

 

This now makes me question my definition of love, especially

unconditional. There seems, in my mind, to be a differnce between

unconditional love & healthy relationships. I have a strong belief

in healthy boundaries, respecting the space & differences of one

another, respecting the parents/owners home (that is, I follow the

rules of whomever's house I am in because I expect the same of

anyone who is in my house), following the rules of where I am

whether or not I always agree or like them. Then I ponder

unconditional love & accepting others as they are, so must I accept

their beliefs, attitudes, behaviors in my home, when I find them to

be wrong or improper? I have this quandry in myself: we have rules

for our daughter to follow, she believes them to be stupid, too

minor to matter, unimportant for what she wants to do & how she

wants to spend her time & therefore believes following them is wrong

according to her & her morals. Part of me says " our house, our

rules " & then I judge myself as unloving & unaccepting of her. I

judge myself as strict, unrelenting, harsh. Yet, the rules are born

out of her behavior & attitude. So I have these obsessive thoughts (

could go on * on with this same thread of thought), going back &

forth over the situation.

 

Thanks for taking the time to write, read my concerns & offer your

insights. Julia

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Search.

 

 

[Guest guest]

Dear Awtar Singh,

 

Thanks again for taking the time to respond to me. Our family is in

peace negotiations & have been for the 5 years we've been married. I

recognize - & have all along - my ego is struggling with my Spirit, &

as egos do, trying to hold on. Reminding me to look at them as peace

negotiations will help.

 

This situation has caused me to examine each & every belief I've held,

how I understand & relate to God (I'm still wrestling with that one!),

& the path I am on. I have learned that from my own baggage I've acted

from fear, anger, hurt & don't need to. My step-daughter reflects

those parts of me I don't like, need to embrace & accept. I am

grateful for those lessons.

 

The rules of our home I had spoken of are - I hope - not invansive or

painful, rather they center around the basics of keeping the house

locked & not breaking into it, keeping the kitchen clean by taking

care of dirty dishes/food, some laundry/clothes rules, safety rules.

Ther are a couple of rules that say our daughter cannot swear at us,

break things, throw temper tantrums & that if I ask her to put away

her things, that I can do that. It includes her following the rules of

the township for disposal of medical waste (used diabetic supplies,

for which we've been fined for possible harm to municipal employees).

When I spoke of others rules, I was thinking of when I'm at my mom's I

do things her way, when I am at my mother in law's, I do things her

way, etc.

 

Yes, I agree if another's rules harm us or are invasive, we might not

accept them or feel we can follow them. I would hope our rules don't

do that, rather they foster a communal household, rather than centered

around 1 person. She has stated clearly she feels she is the center of

the universe, & our house should revolve around her & she cannot be

bothered with the mundane chores of life, & cannot be expected to

contribute when she has a life, we don't.

 

Also, I would like to share that I have been in counseling for over 3

years, & the man who is helping me is very spiritualy minded & working

with me on healing those wounds that drive my behaviors, that have

been based in fear, anger, etc, as I mentioned before. In this self-

discovery, I've also recongized my unhealthy behavior in my

relationships, my part in that, even though my ego wants to make it

someone else's fault. The dynamics of our home go beyond me though.

 

The obsessive thoughts I have ( & used chanting to soothe) are

thoughts of practicing conversations with both my husband & daughter

trying to help them understand what I mean, trying to bridge gaps,

thinking of how I can say something, do something that will make this

work. Some of the thoughts are replaying scenes, trying to understand

motivations, trying to get what is going on. So, I would chant

instead of letting the thoughts take over me. Your first response

about needing love replies to that, so I thank you. Seeing it in that

light makes it easier to approach next time we meet.

 

Being courageous to be myself! That is an approach I have vascillated

on over the course of my life, & I've been more able to do that in my

artistic world than ever before, driven by my healing journey. Perhaps

I've not been in a situation before where I needed such a place,

always putting off this part of me in the quest to earn a living.

Thank you for reminding me of that.

 

Yes, I hope I am sensitive to others rules, consequences of my

behavior, & others. Thank you for your insights & for taking the time

to answer me & my concerns. I appreciate what you've told me & will

continue to think things over in this light.

Peace to you and yours,

Julia

[Guest guest]

Dear Glow,

 

Your response was interesting. I like the explanation of the

fish/water. Thank you.

 

I fear I have confused you. My apologies. I thought I was clear that I

was asking for insight/feedback/help because I understood I was the

one having obsessive thoughts. I recognize this is my ego acting in

fear.

 

What my daugther's " deperate seeking love from her birth mother " means

is that at the age of 7, S's mother left the marriage, her daugther,

took the cats & furniture & found a new place to live. It means that

S & her mother probably never bonded from S's birth to the present,

and S acts out in ways that are trying to find validation even though

her birth mother left her. It means, as Atwar Singh reminded me, she

is not necessarily not trying to get along with me, but rather seeking

her mother's acceptance & love & it appears she is not wanting from me

what she expected her birth mother to give her.

 

I disagree I am telling myself stories (convoluted or otherwise),

believeing I am the good guy, believing myself to be some sacrifice to

love. I do understand marriage in conditional, all relationships are.

I didn't understand the discussion of unconditional love to be about

me, rather about the nature of unconditional in a human relationship.

 

I disagree that S should be #1 all the rest of her life with my

husband. That is not good for anyone. I shouldn't be #1 all the time,

you, him, her, them. This concept of making someone #1 all the time

is not healing this planet, rather creating a very narcicisstic group

the rest must act for. I do not think any adult child should be #1 to

the parents, that is sick. My mother doesn't make me #1, and she

shouldn't. I have 10 other siblings, they are not #1. Sometimes we

are #1, but mostly not. Even in a marraige that has dissolved, the

children are not #1 at all times, & that does not foster healthy

relationships (perhaps that is why a marraige dissolved in the first

place, misarranged priorites). Helpless children need constant

attention, the job as parent is to raise children to become

independent & interdependent, not #1. Accepting a child from a

previous marriage as #1 no matter what seems to me to have nothing to

do with unconditional love, rather narcisscism at its worst. All the

studying, counseling & work I've been doing on marriage & family seems

to indicate the opposite of your position that " 98% of the way that a

marriage with a child from a previous marrige can succeed is

unconditionlly " & it seems to contradict your statement above it that

says " marriages are conditional. "

 

I wasn't looking for a chant for tricks. Rather I chant for healing.

I apoligize if I came across as childish, & in need of maturation. I

don't think having the marriage dissolve will be hitting bottom,

rather that a healing took place. Maybe not for eveyone, but I don't

think I'll be hitting bottom.

 

Thank you for taking the time to respond, & I will consider parts of

your message. As you said, your response was " probably the only

correspondence from you you'll get on this thread " which is fine. I

appreciate your candor & position. I hope you find some peace inside

yourself too.

 

Julia

[Guest guest]

Hi Julia,

I really want to answer your message, I apologize if my answer is a bit confuse,

I will just have to write quickly and without editing because I have very

little time now, but I'm doing it in the hopes that it will be helpful for you.

I'm not sure what you should do in this situation with your family, all I can

tell you is that I too had for a long time the same type of obsessive thoughts,

which in my case involved issues with people in my life who were a bit

controlling and bossy. My obsessive thoughts were similar to yours in that I

also kept having " conversations " in my head with the people I was having

problems with. It's like I was trying to find a solution to those annoying

things just by thinking about them. So here's the first thing I learned: in my

case thinking obsessively about things never brought any solution to any

problem. They just made me miserable because I couldn't enjoy anything else,

just obsess on my problems. The best thing for me was to convince myself that

thinking about those problems obsessively didn't solve them. In my case it was

easy because really I could just look back and very honestly see that it never

happened. Once I gave up all hopes of solving those problems by

thinking about them, it was easier to stop the obsessive thinking. The second

trick was to redirect my attention from the thoughts to somewhere else. In my

case chants didn't help, neither did positive affirmations or anything else of

the sort. What helped was something else. It had to do with in a way recreating

the meditation process in my daily life. You know how when you meditate you have

to keep your attention on your breath, for instance. Then thoughts appear, but

you don't beat yourself about it, just don't hang to them but instead go back to

your breath. And you do that a million times and it never really stops (in my

case), the thoughts appearing. But they reduce a lot over time!! Now in my daily

life (not meditation) I can't focus attention on the breath all the time to

escape my obsessive thoughts, it doesn't work for me. What I found most

effective was to focus on the outside - get out of my head so to speak and pay

attention to what I'm doing, where I am,

details etc. So if I start having obsessive thoughts first I remind myself that

giving in to them won't solve a thing. Then I pay attention to whatever task I'm

doing. If I'm not doing anything, I pay attention to my surroundings. Something

that helps a lot in the beginning is to describe things to yourself in words.

For example: I'm washing the dishes, the dishes are white, the sky is so blue,

this wall is white, this flower has six petals etc. It may seem silly but over

time this is a training that really helped me get out of my head and into the

world around me. I can tell you that to my surprise I don't have obsessive

thoughts anymore! Now and then they try to creep back but I am at this point

very able to get away from them about 90% of the time (I " m not perfect!)

Just one last thing. Some situations like this one you are in are very painful,

difficult etc, and I'm not sure yet how to avoid the problems and conflicts

while they are happening, but getting rid of obsessive thoughts at least lets

you enjoy and be at peace on those times you are not directly involved in them.

Again I'm sorry if this doesn't help with your family situation but maybe it

will help with taming the thoughts, I know how painful it is to have obsessive

thoughts.

I apologize again for the confuse and long message.

Best wishes,

Betin

 

 

 

 

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[Guest guest]

Dear Betin:

 

What you have shared is very helpful! I think we all have obsessive

thoughts but we don't necessarily call them that. When we want

something, anything (food, sex, love, attention, work, money, success,

more students, more clients, solutions, less pain, more joy, " why did

she/he do that? " ...) we indulge in obsessive thoughts and stop

participating in the natural flow of being and living. I wonder, then,

who does not indulge in obsessive thoughts?

 

I like your humble way to look at what you do or what surrounds you

and focus your conscious attention on them by listing to yourself what

is before your eyes. It is wonderful!

 

When I find myself obsessing about anything I think of God watching me

and I laugh because from God's perspective I imagine it must look very

funny! " So here I am, " I imagine this fleeting thought in God's mind,

" I created Awtar Singh with free will to discover his infinite nature

and here he goes exploring his finiteness infinitely... "

 

When I have a good laugh, I also let myself be filled with God's

loving kindness and I smile so big that I am struck by how many people

look at me and suddenly smile at me like the sun has just exploded in

their hearts! They seem to respond to my smile as if I was smiling to

them... Oh! little do they know what triggers my smiling so big! I am

eons of light years away, simply receiving God's light, and laughing

at my addiction to my illusory finite self.

 

Thanks! And blessings,

Awtar Singh

Rochester, NY

[Guest guest]

Dear Betin,

 

Thanks very much for your suggestion. It was very clear! I'd not

thought of focusing in quite that way, I tend to be " all right, snap

out of this, and concentrate, you've got work to do right now, quit

this obsessing! " to myself rather than the objective, more detached

way of being in the now.

 

I do recognize obsessive thoughts don't help a thing, & when I do

have awarenesses come to me, it's often when I'm not trying so

hard. I think this will work! I have let go of the chanting so

intensely, chanting harder while my mind is trying to solve things

doesn't work.

 

This might help with my family, so that when we meet again, I won't

be so busy trying to admonish myself " listen better, try & hear from

the heart, open up, don't be so hard on everyone, oh no, that won't

work! " that goes on while I'm trying to be part of the family. I

can listen better, that is a better way.

 

How things turn out isn't up to me, another struggle of mine, but

not for this message string. I have offered to move out, several

times, my husband does not see that will help, nor do I, yet I felt

I had to offer. This situation will be good for me in the long run,

as painful as it's been, & I keep striving to be open to all it has

to teach me.

 

Many thanks for your input & suggestions. I will try them starting

today!

Peace, Julia

[Guest guest]

Deat Awtar Singh,

 

Thanks again! Seeing myself from God's perspective will certainly

bring me much to laugh about! Oh my human follies!

 

Thanks to everyone who read my message, took the time to answer me,

all suggestions & points of view were helpful in some way. I

appreciate any good thoughts & prayers sent our way as well.

 

Thank you Guru Rattan for this forum.

 

Peace to all,

Julia

[Guest guest]

Dear Serena,

 

Yes, the responses have been wonderful for us! Beautiful expressions

and thanks for participating in this question of mine.

 

Peace to you,

Julia

[Guest guest]

Ms. Julia,

 

The reason I said that the correspondence I submitted was probably

going to be my only one on this thread was because from what you

wrote, that was all the message I got to give you and I put it in the

best way I could word it.

 

I can tell you 2 things though:

 

1. It's indeed pointless to argue with me.

2. Everything I sent you, take it or leave it. Were I you, I'd take it, kuz

it's not that often I'm wrong, and the few times that I am it has to do

with my own stuff that at times I make wrong decisions, usually the

decision of not listening to IT and doing what I think is " better. "

 

Yesterday I opened my mail, I read your post (I don't read all the

posts, but I read yours) and as I read the answer to it came pouring

down in a hurry and I felt compelled to type it up for ya on the spot,

and that's what you got.

 

Kind regards and good luck,

Gloria (Glow)

 

juliaagnes7 <Julia.Wigent wrote:

Dear Glow,

 

Your response was interesting. I like the explanation of the

fish/water. Thank you.

 

I fear I have confused you. My apologies. I thought I was clear that I

was asking for insight/feedback/help because I understood I was the

one having obsessive thoughts. I recognize this is my ego acting in

fear.

 

What my daugther's " deperate seeking love from her birth mother " means

is that at the age of 7, S's mother left the marriage, her daugther,

took the cats & furniture & found a new place to live. It means that

S & her mother probably never bonded from S's birth to the present,

and S acts out in ways that are trying to find validation even though

her birth mother left her. It means, as Atwar Singh reminded me, she

is not necessarily not trying to get along with me, but rather seeking

her mother's acceptance & love & it appears she is not wanting from me

what she expected her birth mother to give her.

[Guest guest]

Dear Betin,

I was reading thru some old posts and found this one and I am so

grateful that I did. I have these same kinds of obsessive thoughts

all the time, espescially when doing mundane tasks like washing dishes

or folding laundry. Your post has given me hope that I too can escape

these thoughts that seem to drive me crazy sometimes. I will just go

over and over conversations that I've had or want to have till I can't

seem to think of anything else and I've done this for so long I don't

know how not to. Anyway, I'm gonna try to use your strategies to get

rid of the terrible habit, and I'll be ever grateful to you for giving

me clues of how to stop this behavior.

Peace be with you,

Melissa

 

Kundaliniyoga , B E <jawoosux wrote:

>

> Hi Julia,

> I really want to answer your message, I apologize if my answer is a

bit confuse, I will just have to write quickly and without editing

because I have very little time now, but I'm doing it in the hopes

that it will be helpful for you.

> I'm not sure what you should do in this situation with your family,

all I can tell you is that I too had for a long time the same type of

obsessive thoughts, which in my case involved issues with people in my

life who were a bit controlling and bossy. My obsessive thoughts were

similar to yours in that I also kept having " conversations " in my head

with the people I was having problems with. It's like I was trying to

find a solution to those annoying things just by thinking about them.

So here's the first thing I learned: in my case thinking obsessively

about things never brought any solution to any problem. They just made

me miserable because I couldn't enjoy anything else, just obsess on my

problems. The best thing for me was to convince myself that thinking

about those problems obsessively didn't solve them. In my case it was

easy because really I could just look back and very honestly see that

it never happened. Once I gave up all hopes of solving those problems by

> thinking about them, it was easier to stop the obsessive thinking.

The second trick was to redirect my attention from the thoughts to

somewhere else. In my case chants didn't help, neither did positive

affirmations or anything else of the sort. What helped was something

else. It had to do with in a way recreating the meditation process in

my daily life. You know how when you meditate you have to keep your

attention on your breath, for instance. Then thoughts appear, but you

don't beat yourself about it, just don't hang to them but instead go

back to your breath.

[Guest guest]

Hi Melissa,

If I could add something to that message it would be, be very patient with

yourself. Obsessive thinking is a habit, and it takes effort and time to change

it. It took me lots of time and lots of attempts, improving a little bit then

falling back, then trying again. I think if we don't give up but instead keep

trying even after failing, that's mostly what it takes. A new habit will

eventually develop and take root. It's like training your mind to do something

different really, after a while it learns.

Good luck and best wishes,

Betin

 

sail2617 <letitgrow wrote: Dear Betin,

I was reading thru some old posts and found this one and I am so

grateful that I did. I have these same kinds of obsessive thoughts

all the time, espescially when doing mundane tasks like washing dishes

or folding laundry. Your post has given me hope that I too can escape

these thoughts that seem to drive me crazy sometimes. I will just go

over and over conversations that I've had or want to have till I can't

seem to think of anything else and I've done this for so long I don't

know how not to. Anyway, I'm gonna try to use your strategies to get

rid of the terrible habit, and I'll be ever grateful to you for giving

me clues of how to stop this behavior.

Peace be with you,

Melissa

 

Kundaliniyoga , B E wrote:

>

> Hi Julia,

> I really want to answer your message, I apologize if my answer is a

bit confuse, I will just have to write quickly and without editing

because I have very little time now, but I'm doing it in the hopes

that it will be helpful for you.

> I'm not sure what you should do in this situation with your family,

all I can tell you is that I too had for a long time the same type of

obsessive thoughts, which in my case involved issues with people in my

life who were a bit controlling and bossy. My obsessive thoughts were

similar to yours in that I also kept having " conversations " in my head

with the people I was having problems with. It's like I was trying to

find a solution to those annoying things just by thinking about them.

So here's the first thing I learned: in my case thinking obsessively

about things never brought any solution to any problem. They just made

me miserable because I couldn't enjoy anything else, just obsess on my

problems. The best thing for me was to convince myself that thinking

about those problems obsessively didn't solve them. In my case it was

easy because really I could just look back and very honestly see that

it never happened. Once I gave up all hopes of solving those problems by

> thinking about them, it was easier to stop the obsessive thinking.

The second trick was to redirect my attention from the thoughts to

somewhere else. In my case chants didn't help, neither did positive

affirmations or anything else of the sort. What helped was something

else. It had to do with in a way recreating the meditation process in

my daily life. You know how when you meditate you have to keep your

attention on your breath, for instance. Then thoughts appear, but you

don't beat yourself about it, just don't hang to them but instead go

back to your breath.

 

---

 

 

[Guest guest]

Hi, Someone sent me a note offline, and I appreciate your feedback.

I accidentally deleted it before I took the time to respond. " Tough

Love " is a challenge indeed! Standing up for right is not always

easy, and many times I questioned all my actions and beliefs. It was

a great exercise in that regard, yet during the most difficult days,

I thought I'd never see the light.

 

As an update to all: my stepdaughter is now living elsewhere.

About 5 weeks ago, JUST after I had spend several hours in bed, in a

light meditative state in which I did my best to let go all all

outcomes in my marriage adn family life, my stepdaughter behaved in

a manner that left us no choice but to have her move out (violent

screaming and swearing, throwing our property out the door, etc). I

was calm and composed throughout the 2+ hour ordeal as well as the

next day, which converstation with her lasted 8 hours off and on,

until she took her belongings and left our property. She called her

dad and me every bad name she could think of, and I was unfazed

through it all.

 

I do thank all of you who responded and gave me feedback and for

those who sent me the Light. I did use the suggested ideas and am

deeply grateful for all of you. I am still working on my issues and

healing, yet I feel I am turning the corner

Peace to all

Julia

[Guest guest]

According to YB all mental problems are related to an imbalance in the first

three chakras. Doing Sat kriya starting with 3mins and adding 1min each day

until you reach 11mins. then I would move a little slower every 2 days add a

minute until you reach 31minutes. With a 31minute layout after. ¨If you only had

time to do one practice a day this would be it.¨ -YB On days of your period be

careful to only pump stomach lightly and do only a little. Sat kriya has helped

me even out alot. I too would have conversations, not any more. -Chris

 

 

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