RE: obsessive thoughts and addictions, individuation / sepration process/ growing up with saturn lessons, drinking, and feeling more emotions and pain

[Guest guest]

Moderators note:

Dear Marty,

 

I read your letter with compassion. I sent it to Guru Rattana and the other

moderators. You are not a pending alcholic. You are an alcoholic. If you

cannot stop drinking without AA then you have narrowed your options to one --

join AA and get a sponsor immediately!! There are groups and sponsors that you

can find companionship with. Change your attitude and go for compatibility. We

wish you the best of luck on your path to sobriety and recovery. Keep

practicing Kundalini yoga and anchor yourself with God. Our prayers are with

you.

 

Sat Nam,

Brian

Assitant Moderator

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Guru’s and Awtar, Chris, Marie, Deva and Group Members,

 

 

 

This is my ego writing and a little bit o f my soul (I hope)

 

 

 

 

 

A few things:

 

 

 

 

 

I try to shift my channels in my head Guru Rattana and it works when I can.

(give it space and just be)

 

 

 

The 2nd chakra lessons are to disperse energy and also containment. I am

more aware and tying.

 

 

 

It seems there is a self destructive beast in me I am unwilling to meet by

surrendering. BUT I so want to though. Last group post I surrendered 4

nights in a row and then went back to drink. THANK YOU ALL FOR THE LOVE AND

SUPPORT.

 

 

 

I am so alone I do not know how to be anymore –that’s why I still drink.

Filling an old void or hurt that I should fill with love, patience, space

and let God in. I know this is the path, and that self destructive urge

that is old and buried will fight me each step of the way.

 

 

 

 

 

And I now fear I will loose you all as well due to my failures and

neediness. There is no one else who is on this path I can talk to right

now.

 

 

 

And I know God loves me that’s why I am not dead yet – I have work to do. I

so badly want to live within my boundaries as described by the Saturn

lessons and pray today I will. I have to serve my soul and want to obey

God! Its so hard.

 

 

 

I cry now being in touch with the feelings I do not want my parents to die.

I know their souls will be at peace once gone but the separation work is not

complete.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I so wish to go home (to God). This path of surrendering and growing up at

the same time is hard, very hard. I really want to feel whole in this

lifetime.

 

 

 

 

 

I really want to die right now and live at the same time. I cannot go

forward like this any more. And I am alone and it hurts. I know God is

there and in me but I cannot seem to be still long enough. I KNOW IT’S THE

ALCOHOL RIGHT NOW AND I KNOW IF I DO WHAT I DID 2 WEEKS AGO I will be

alright. I had 4 nights of surrendering and relaxing and it felt ok, felt

hard, good, almost peaceful. I do not agree with AA’s 12 steps at all.

The first few yes but YB says we are born perfect and nothing is wrong with

us – I am a person of good character!! I want to be here and serve my

clients and the community with my work, I care for my friends and, parents

and strangers, I do have short comings and I am working with them and

correcting them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yesterday I taught a 7 hour continuing ed workshop to my peers and loved

it. Why do I drink stronger afterwards?

 

 

 

 

 

I am trying , maybe too hard to just relax and be me. And when I am honest

I am not really trying enough in terms of relaxing and doing enough of my

sadhana (Not up a 4:30 regularly (who could after drinking like a fish?) .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Individuation and separation:

 

 

 

 

 

My fiancé and I agree I need more independent time and she spent a year

elevating me and now is toast – so she will wait while I get more rooted.

(this is another topic but for later) as Awtar recommends - to not do too

much now). I would go away from me too right now!!

 

 

 

Even the fiancé says to stop feeling bad about sitting on her root chakra

and being so needy with her and being emotional (all lower Chaka stuff) and

to just heal and do my work in sadhana and life. She would have left a

long time ago but she sees the work I am doing, and her soul says to stay,

that I will get there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am still seeing the world partially though my 2nd chakra and cannot stand

it. The intrigues are more apparent now that I am calmer and have a

root and third chakra (I will go, “why are you thinking that? Or Jesus

marty – move on” (still thinking about the attractive woman in the café or

similar). And I know dwell on God and its happening and so hard./

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Awtar: What can I do as guy formerly based in chaka #2? Wanting to get in

the heat center and up? I am doing sat kriya as part of my sadhana and a

few sets for lower chakra balancing.

 

 

 

 

 

And I can no longer share my relationship issues with my best friend in

Minneapolis as she is very protective of me and coming from her own ego and

not an elevated consciousness. And there are not many people who practice

KY near me who I can talk too. Just the group and you three, And I feel so

ahamed that even you will say go away, too much negativity for me. . ..

 

 

 

I just want to surrender and be ok.

 

 

 

 

 

Guru Gopal asked what does my name mean?

 

 

 

It is below.

 

 

 

Not sure ho to end this letter except to say thank you. Its so hard tying

to grow up and not drink. I clearly unconsciously have very low esteem and

some old hurts I need to bring up and clear out of my body.

 

 

 

I go to get ready for the day to serve my clients and then after, at home,

with Gods help, my soul and take care of my self tonight.

 

 

 

 

 

Marty

 

 

 

 

 

Sarabjot Singh means:

 

 

 

You have been blessed to live as Sarabjot Singh, which means the Lion of God

who is filled with the all-pervading light of God, whose light and radiance

touches and uplifts the hearts of everyone, who walks with grace and courage

throughout his life.

 

Sarab means whole, complete, all, everyone and all-pervading. Jot means

light - the light of God, the light of awareness and the light of divine

consciousness. Singh means the Lion of God who walks with grace and courage

throughout his life. Singh is a name that Yogi Bhajan gave to all men. He

taught that every man has the potential to attain a true state of grace and

courage, to be a great lion-warrior for God, and he encouraged each man to

manifest that potential.

 

Receiving the name Sarabjot Singh means that you are Gods Lion who radiates

the light of divine consciousness to all he meets, who has the grace and

courage of a Lion, and who uses that grace and courage to uplift himself and

others.

 

Meditate on your beautiful spiritual name, listen to your souls truth and

connect with your Creator. May you excel in the Age of Aquarius and light

up the universe as we move from a finite consciousness to a consciousness of

the Infinite.

 

May Guru Ram Das bless you and guide you, now and forever. In the Name of

the Cosmos which prevails through everyBODY, and the Holy Nam which holds

the world.

 

Many blessings,

 

M.S.S. Nirinjan Kaur Khalsa

Chief of Staff

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

Dear Marty,

 

* I would be good if you could make the decision to stay sober by yourself and

this would be permanent. But usually alcholoics need support from someone else

who has that type of genetic make up.

 

I have conflicting feelings: Some people say go to AA and do your KY and

others that do not even mention AA in their posts -just sharing how they have

handled their addictions with yoga and surrendering.

 

 

 

* There are so many different formulas that work for different people. Their

are a lot of different experiences with AA. Would someone who has had an

supportive experience please write Marty? You would definitely have to find a

group and a sponsor who you relate to. But a thoughtful sponsor could be a real

support person for you. You need to talk to some one whose mind works like

yours.

 

 

 

My mind works based on a (1) NO box and (2) WHAT I CAN DO TO FEEL GOOD box.

When I was 13, I put chocolate in the NO box. I did not even consider having

any chocolate until I was 21. Then I didn't even care.

 

 

 

If there is any known possibility that something will make me feel bad, then I

avoid it. This includes feel bad later. No shorterm fix in exchange for long

term negative impact. I am absolutely focused on feeling as good as I can.

Even that is of course a life challenge.

 

 

 

There are plenty of things, food, experiences in life that enchance my life to

take up all the time I have anyway, so trying to avoid the ones that don't is

not a problem for me.

 

 

 

But I have noticed with an alcholic, that their mind does not work like this.

(Actually I have noticed that many people do not operate like this.:+) Somehow

some people dont mind feeling bad, or paying the price for a few moments of

'pleasure. " I just can't understand it.

 

 

 

I asked a guy years ago in the Millis MA ashram about this. I said how do you

do it? Stay up late, eat pizza and go to sadhana? (Actually he wasn't always

at sadhana)

 

He told me, " we are no difference from you from the point that we feel bad the

next day. The difference with us is that we are willing to feel bad and you

aren't. " We had a good laugh over that.

 

 

 

The alcholoic has this subversive channel that it reverts to. I haven't

really studied it, but it doesn't seem to have a definitive NO box. There is

this fussy fantasy sabotaging box they they can't control -- thus the AA

admission of I have no control over this channel.

 

 

 

* You will need to find someone who you can relate to and who accepts your KY

practice as beneficial. Years ago someone told me I had to go to this great

meeting he had found at 7 am! URGH. I arrived unprepared for an AA meeting

where people sat around a table, smoked, drank coffee and keep saying they were

alcoholics. I kept thinking, you need KY and some self esteem.

 

 

 

I have found out since then there are much more sophisticated groups and

especially sponsors who have made a lot of progress in self-understanding.

 

 

 

>My soul is not clear just scared at this juncture.

 

 

 

*Maybe someone to talk to who understood you would help. It is worth a try.

 

 

 

Blessings,

 

 

 

Guru Rattana :+)