You might not be a Kundalini Yoga teacher if

[Guest guest]

You might not be a kundalini yoga teacher if:

(Sukhnivas Paul - not a kundalini yoga teacher)

 

*you feel ill all the time

 

*your neighbours annoy you and kind of freak you out, you worry if they can hear

your wierd chanting

 

*no matter how hard you try, you can never get up before midday

 

*running out of tea first thing in the morning means you lose half a day

 

*cooking is a complete mystery

 

*you really need some new clothes but never feel good enough to go shop for some

 

*your alarm goes off at 8:00am at full volume and you never even hear it

*you sleep for 24hrs in a 48hr period

 

*your friends humour you when you speak of Kundalini Yoga, and just continue

getting on with their lives

 

*a hot curry is what is needed to clear the flem and tar from your congested

chest

 

*there are no real problems in your life, only the illusionary problems inside

your head

 

*your kids are more together than you and find your music embarrasing and crass

 

*you spill water on your computer and smash cell phones into the wall as therapy

 

*the table badly needs dusting and is sticky from tea stains

 

*your spine always feels restricted, and sitting up straight is a herculean task

 

*you find ever new ways of unlocking the joints in your spine, lately a friend

has been walking on your back to get the right 'click'

 

*the years go by and nothing meaningful happens, you know that 2012 will bring

the same old s**t and possibly even worse

 

*you see the drunk guy on the street as a kind of ally

 

*you hate vacating, you dislike foreigners, get diarhrea, and suddenly discover

you love the country your from, though up until now you hated it

 

*breakfast is a midday affair and that bowl of cereal sustains you until

mid-evening

 

*you have IBS and constantly have to shower

 

*you have no family photo's, you would like to put up the picture of YB but your

printer has either broken or run out of ink

 

*tamas is your natural state, your friends feel you bring them down and drain

them

 

*your selfish friends only talk about themselves and their problems, your

problems are trite and meaningless to them, afterwards you feel drained and

exhausted, they would never do KY in a million years, although in you nuerosis

you try and push it on them

 

*you find each kriya an awful mountain to climb

 

*at the cafeteria people avoid you as they know your going to vamp them with

your latest life paradigm

 

*the local kebab shop and McDonalds are like a Mother to you

 

*you long ago stopped washing your a**e with water from a jug, you now have

piles

 

*tea is the rasa soma for you, the elixer of life, the fountain of youth, and

you remember with pride how your ancestors fought the facists with only a tin

mug of tea to sustain them, and a pen knife to fight with, and still won

 

*you hate the whole Mothers day thing, in fact you resent your Mother deeply,

and often don't send a card out of spite, you adopt the simple mantra 'just say

no' to all herbal teas and other such yuck

 

*you curse your parents for bringing you into this lousy screwed up hell of a

world

 

*you don't dare let on your spiritual name to you family, they would be

horrified, even your best friends find it embarrasing, and purposely

mispronounce it, or think you should have had a 'sanyasin' name

 

*the resentment and tendancy to ignore you from your wife builds to a point

where you 'lose it' thereby putting you in the wrong and adding even more

resentment and outrage to your spouse's repotoire

 

*you would like to be vegetarian, but just can't get it together, all day

breakfast is a saviour for you, even the cafe staff feel sorry for you

 

*your children pester you to do yoga with you, you avoid this knowing they will

turn it into 'look what I can do', basically they dont have a clue, couldn't sit

still for 1min, and you wonder at the averageness of you kids, and why prodigy

was denied you

 

*your child's fussiness and pinickyness around food drives the hell out of you,

no matter how much effort you put in, they would have much more enjoyed a trip

to 'Micky D's'

 

*you were a bit stoned when you had a fender bender and hope the cops don't spot

it

 

*the cop looks quizically at your picked and twitchy face, your shifty eyes,

hell how is he supposed to know you have a mental illness

 

*fortunately you are quite lucky in these matters, and get let off, you reason

that you must have some good merit for the 7days of yoga you did a week ago

 

*you infrom your child to punch the bully hard in the face next time

 

*your kid is suspended for disruptive behaviour, and your definately on their

side

 

*fortunately you get disability payments from the government for your

depression, bi-polar, panic attacks etc.

 

some extras

 

*you would like to stop your meds, but then you get serotonin syndrome, which

seems to never end, you know you will just end up in casualty on a 'cry for

help' overdose, you are amazed that once you were able to live a med free life

 

*the side effects of the meds cause you to put on weight, and for your jaw to

constantly be clenched, you can no longer orgasm, the Doctor says these are

common side effects

 

*you need to do tens and tens of different kriyas for all your complaints, six

hours after your practice you are back to square one, your life becomes one big

Kundalini Yoga session, always chasing that fragile 'peaceful' state

 

*you notice other people don't have any spiritual practice at all, yet they lead

fulfilling active lives, have friends, and can cope naturally

 

*you need two or three 'spliffs' just to begin you meditation practice

 

*you are always buying notebooks and diaries to begin your 40days, but

subconsciously you sabotage it, or get so caught in this 40 day thing, that you

lose the moment and your Kundalini Yoga session no longer works, you vow to give

up this 40 day thing and just do your Kriyas in the moment and find that works

much better

 

*you are always giving up smoking, drinking, meat, drugs etc. for which you then

assume a completely different personality, even your best friends can see your

fanaticism, you just seem totally unable to find a middle way in anything

 

*you have many things you actually know would be good for you to get on with,

instead you endlessly surf and blog and post and waste your time, always looking

for that new thing that will solve all your problems

 

*the amazing sikh teacher, author, and researcher, the one you know could help

you get it going, and understands your complaints better than you, will only

speak for $150 dollars an hour, he also calculates by the minuite

 

There is plenty more but I need tea.

 

If any of the above fit you don't worry. You are just normal. Really God is in

control of everything, and all is perfect and happening according to his divine

will, hell it couldnt be any other way! Not everyone can be a paratrooper.