to vish about getting back on track

[Guest guest]

Dear vish ~ what a powerful "story." Thank you for your total openness in writing about it. And what a question. Now you've got me pondering again. Many times when the big ego gets his way and I end up in a bad mood, it is because of another person's behavior and/or words. One thing I've been learning about the big ego, and I am just thinking it through here as I write, is that the big ego wants to separate me from everything and everyone. Big ego wants my total attention and will do anything to get it and to create that separation.

 

When the big ego is working to get me under its spell, all these thoughts swirl through my mind: how could (s)he treat me that way when all I've done is show them love (oh yes, the big ego can sometimes infect me with notions of my own "perfection); I'm tired of being in pain all the time, and I just want it to be over (this is a "poor me" or a "why me," and dangerous because sometimes it causes such despair I want my life to be over; and sometimes I'm just plain grumpy (my illness makes me clumsy, and I trip or I drop something, or my eyes aren't judging perspective properly, and I step on my poor beloved dog ... then the ego does a "bad girl" trip on me, which is equally as of the big ego as "look how great I am." Sometimes the big ego is just trivial. So what do I do?

 

Well I am learning that another's words or actions only affect me if I let them, and I've been working with someone who has given me some good tools, like: ask the question, "Who are you?,"and see what comes up, then I can say inwardly: aren't you bored with this by now? Usually the answer is yes, and what I see is the damaged child who really only wants to feel safe and to play. I am also learning to use this cue: "it's not so bad," and even "give me more; I can take it." This is like, bring it on, let's get it all up in my face and get it out as much as possible. The "it's not so bad" have the immediate affect of causing me to step back from the drama, of even putting me in the state of the Observer or the Witness, and once that happens, big ego is gone because I am no longer separate.

 

If I think my grumpiness, sadness or anger is caused by another person, I try to realize the good that person has brought to my life and how silly it is of me to make a mountain out of a molehill (something I've been very good at all my life). Sometimes, I then smile, or even laugh, and humor is another tool in the tool box of what I can employ to be rid of this self-serving big ego. When laughter is real, big ego is quickly gone.

 

My physical illnesses symptoms give the big ego the biggest open door to grab me, for they are always with me and affect my life nearly all the time. One thing I do, and I sometimes do this when the other facets of the big ego that I've already mentioned come up ... what I do is run to my computer and see if there is a Devi Mandir Digest yet. In reading what others have to say, big ego skulks out the door, but is nevertheless gone. Or I go online and listen to some of the many bhajans, including of Shree Maa, that I have saved. Taking me into the bhav of the music makes the ego shrink quickly into nothingness. I also will go to the Devi Mandir website and listen to Maa or Swamiji's words. It's difficult for me to be very active, vish, but I think that sweeping the floor and things like that are also good antidotes to the virus of the big ego. Sometimes I will go immediately to saying my mantra inwardly.

 

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to think about this. Oh, and yes, even with all my "tools" sometimes my big ego gets me to believe that really all I want to do is revel in the muck. Yuck! But then one remembers the lotus. Om mane padme hum. And how sweet and loving and perfect of Maa to do as She did. What a blessing. Jai Maa !!! , Jai Swamiji !!!

~ Linda

 

 

vish wrote:

 

....So, I pose this question to everyone: what do you do when you feel this way-out of balance and in a bad mood? What steps do you take to get back on track?Make your life easier with all your friends, email, and favorite sites in one place. Try it now.