Linda's response to Kumari

April 27, 2009

This response was so honest, kind and supportive. your honesty is heartening.

krishna--- On Fri, 4/24/09, nierika <nierika wrote:

nierika <nierika[www.ShreeMaa.org] Re: to Kumari about the battle of a lifetime Date: Friday, April 24, 2009, 4:28 AM

Dear Kumari ~ I understand this battle. I have waged it, and what seems in retrospect, worse, during my life. And if you don't believe the worst part, know that I struggled for 15 years against violent images I had and chilling and feverish fear that I would take action on them. Part of the key for me was acceptance; another key was when I came to understand that these images and accompanying violent thoughts represented that I had impulse control issues. I was literally afraid of myself on behalf of others.

Fortunately, the understanding did happen, though the struggle was dark and long. Did I totally get rid of these? No, but when I have them now, I understand what they are and acknowledge to myself that I know I have nothing to fear, for I am in control of my behavior. I understand these images and thoughts are left overs from the very violent childhood abuse I suffered, and that ultimately has also helped me, to understand that, in reality they were not mine, but implanted by early conditioning. I hope this is understandable; it is so difficult to put into words.

The other thing I wanted to share was something Swamiji said to me on their last US Tour. He was talking about the importance of peace of mind. I asked him what I could do if someone had already upset me peace of mind (and of course, the question also adds when my own thoughts upset my peace of mind). He looked at me pointedly, and it felt like a roar coming from a lion ~ a healthy father lion, protecting his cub ~ "Why on earth would you let anyone upset your peace of mind?" Why indeed.

So I began to try to put my self awareness into the gap between the trigger (from someone else or myself) and the reaction. It is the reaction that is so hard to bear, for it brings great fear, anger, self judgment, etc. When I can remember to put myself into that gap it helps, even when I am unable to stop the reaction. The reaction is tempered and mostly happens inside myself, without upsetting anyone else's peace of mind (hard to do when you feel they have upset yours). I still get lots of daily opportunities to practice this, but when I am able to insert a larger awareness into the gap I described, it brings a great deal of peace and thanksgiving.

I do know the battle you are going through. It is a dreadful one. I hope that what I have shared helps a bit ... Kumari, these thoughts/feelings/ actions do not come from you. They are left overs from the past, though they lie in wait to spring out of your own mind. Your own awareness of the battle is already a victory. My father, for example, never recognized his own battle, and that his violence was the result of his own childhood abuse. My choice, from the time I left home at 19 years of age was to not perpetuate the cycle. As you can tell, at age 60, I am still working on it...not to discourage you, but to hearten you, because it is so much better ~ the angry villain that I believed myself to be is now a mosquito buzzing around. I don't even have to swat it; just recognize and keep going. Jai Maa Jai Swamiji

~ Linda

Kumari:

Today my very heartfelt pondering was over this contradiction: Why, if I am doing puja, japa and at least trying to meditate every day, why do I keep falling back into my bad habits, my anger and self-defeating behaviour? I was doing puja to Vishnu, so i opened up Swamiji and Shree Maa's translation of the Bhagavad Gita and it fell open to Chapter 3. Arjuna said: Then why does man move to unite with sin? By what force is he driven, even against his will? (They are my asuras, what more can I say? They are deep and seemingly unending at times. I feel like I am dancing on hot coals when they come forward. They are my enemies, indeed) ...This is a fight to the death, as Kali, Durga and Chandi demonstrate amply. But my role is to accept myself

as I am and continue to be aware of those self defeating asuras and try to not totally buy into their dark ways, without adding fuel to their fire of anger, fear and attachment/aversion . I offer my spiritual, enlightening actions to Deity as well as my dark moments equally in hopes of attaining the superior position beyond both.

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