Transformation of the Heart - Chapter 7

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IN THIS LIFETIME(By : Dorothy Herron)"Flying

hither and thither, higher and higher, the bird has at last to perch on

a tree for rest. So, too, even the richest and most powerful man seeks

rest, peace. Without peace, life can be a nightmare. Peace can be got

in only one shop : inner reality. The senses will drag you along into

mire, which submerges you deeper and deeper into alternative joy and

grief; that is to say, prolonged discontent. Only the contemplation of

unity removes fear, rivalry, envy, greed and desire - all the feelings

that prompt discontent, and grant unruffled peace. Every other avenue

can give only pseudo-contentment."- Sathya Sai Baba -As

I recall those life events that occurred before Sathya Sai Baba brought

me to him, I now see a unifying thread - a harmonizing purpose of which

I was unaware at the time.My story begins with memories of

early years spent with a great-aunt and uncle. Having lost a daughter

years before, and never having another child, they had persuaded my

mother to allow me to live with them. At the time I went to live with

my aunt and uncle, I was two-and-a-half; they were in their fifties -

"elderly" in those days - and very protective of me. Consequently, I

had no childhood friends, not even from the many church gatherings I

attended with them.My one great love and constant companion at

this early age was Jesus. He was very real for me. I loved him very

much. For me, Jesus symbolized a sunlit garden filled with all the

goodness that ever existed in one's heart.I lived with my great

Aunt and Uncle until I was 7 or 8, when my Uncle died. At that time,

arrangements were made for me to return home to my family. I returned

to find I was the second to the eldest child; there were three younger

children and another was soon to be born. Like most young children, I

made a quick adjustment; but in the process of becoming united with

this large family, I lost my deep connection with Jesus. Many times,

from age 7 to 12, I went to church, but the close relationship I had

felt, when I was small and alone, and had relied solely on Jesus, was

never to be the same again.I stayed with my family until my

marriage at age 18. Right away I had two children - and I would spend

the next twelve years as a housewife and mother. All this time I was an

atheist, but I was always looking for truth.In my adult years,

the first event that made a powerful impression on me was the

assassination of John F Kennedy. It was so difficult to believe

something like this could happen.From that time onward, I

became politically active and began to relate to a larger viewpoint of

the world. Throughout the '60's, I placed a great deal of value on

making a political commitment, joining a liberal Democratic

organization because I felt they cared more for all people. With this

new-found consciousness, I worked in many election campaigns in an

attempt to make a statement with my life.At that time, I was

raising two teenagers and helping to run a moderately successful

business. My life was very comfortable; however, my new political views

were not shared by my social circle and my family, and I began to feel

a separation and a questioning of my values. There did not seem to be

enough depth to my life.I used to think, "If only I could know

some ultimate truth"; but nothing I found provided a satisfactory

answer. I used to question lots of people on their beliefs in God

because I wanted to know if they truly believed. In all my attempts, I

never met anyone who spoke from the heart. For many, God appeared to be

a principle to accept unthinkingly, but not a motivating force in their

lives; this was not enough for me.When I was 41, I had to

undergo surgery for a tumor which attending doctors thought might be

malignant. Fortunately, there was no sign of cancer, but I had a slow

recovery. In the early months of getting my strength back, I knew my

life had to change. I knew if I were to live another twenty years, I

had to have another kind of existence.Nothing was clear to me -

I was in a crisis. I considered divorce. It seemed as if my husband and

I were going in different directions, and divorce offered a way for me

to be alone and listen more closely to my own thoughts and feelings.

But my children still had to complete their college years. No, I

couldn't do it. Not yet.It was at this time that I started

studying astrology. I found I had an intuitive understanding of the

principles of consciousness which the planets represented. Another

interest was reawakened at this time. As a teenager, I had read many

books about India, mostly the works of the Tehosophists. Somehow, India

always held a fascination for me; it seemed that the yogis knew a

mystery, and I wanted to learn about their mystery.I began to

feel that I had found a key to understanding what was going on inside

of me. As I worked with people's astrological charts, I became aware of

mandalas or objects of meditation which expressed unity and a sense of

harmony and wholeness which was new to me.During those years of

study, I began to sense a larger dimension to people's lives. This

proved to be a very healing force in my own life. For the very first

time in my adult years, I began to think seriously about God, because I

could now see that events were not random. There was order, and I could

experience it. I had always believed in reincarnation; and now my

studies in astrology appeared to confirm this belief.When I was

44, with 25 years of marriage behind me, I realized my husband and I

had given our best to try to work things out, but it was not

successful. I sought a divorce. My life became more difficult. I

returned to college, eventually bought the family business and somehow

managed to keep things going while I was in the process of personal

discovery.At this time, something or someone called me to the

Ramakrishna Vedanta Temple. I began to study Indian philosophy in

earnest, and I experienced a spiritual awakening which gave rise to a

sense of peace and a belief in God. My new-found belief was not

Christian; it did not have a form... yet. It was a faith that God and

our world exist in a harmonious relationship. I began to feel more

creative and expansive.Little by little, this miracle of my

faith began to penetrate to a deeper place, forming an inner core that

steadied me in times of crisis. I began to trust. It still had no name,

no particular teacher - only an expanding sense of the unity of all

creation.After three years of study with Swami Chetanananda, I

asked if I could come and talk with him. It was July, and this was the

first time I had ever thought of discussing my doubts. I told him I did

not feel Ramakrishna was the real guru for me, or that he was an

embodiment of God. What I did not say was that after reading the Visions of Remakrishna, I seriously doubted the saint's sanity. Ramakrishna's deep mysticism, so touching to me now, was only disturbing to me then.Swami Chetanananda was very reassuring; he told me not to worry : when the time was right, I would find my guru.A month later, on my way to a weekend vacation, I stopped to buy a book to take with me. While looking over the titles, I saw The Holy Man and the Psychiatrist.

My mind took this in and thought : "Hmmm, this might be interesting...

an American psychiatrist who went to India and became a holy man!"

(Sathya Sai Baba did not look like an Indian to me - I thought he was

an American).I purchased the book, packed it in my bag, left

that night for a two day stay in Santa Barbara. Next morning, at 8:00

AM, I opened the book over breakfast, and at noon, I was still reading.

Oblivious to the passing hours, I had made a profound discovery - I

knew in my heart that Sathya Sai Baba was God. Though my mind was still

in the stage of inquiry, my heart had been convinced.None of the various diversions I had planned for this vacation now held any interest; I packed and returned home.The first thing I did was to call my sister who had shared the spiritual quest with me."Patt,"

I said. "I think I've found something really real." I told her about

the book and urged her to go get a copy. She did read it and had

exactly the same reaction.Shortly after this, Patt went to a

Sai Baba center and spoke with one of the members, Dick Bock. He

invited us to come attend a bhajan singing group on a Friday night and

to enjoy the satsang. We did; it felt so right to us that we began to

attend regularly.We also contacted Elsie Cowan after reading

about her husband's resurrection. She invited us down to share her

experiences of Baba with us. She also opened up the book center, which

was next door to her at the time, and showed us many pictures. I bought

a full-size picture of Sathya Sai Baba standing in front of some

beautiful bushes in Prashanti Nilayam. That picture seemed to be full

of sunlight, just like my childhood image of Jesus. It is framed and

hangs over my bed, still so full of the promise of beauty and love.Patt

and I, like all new devotees, could not read enough, learn enough, talk

enough or speculate enough about Sathya Sai Baba. Nothing else

mattered. I set up an altar in my apartment and spent most evenings

there. I was happy; I really felt that Sathya Sai Baba was the heart of

my heart.We did not go to India until 1979, but once we finally

made the trip, we received a royal welcome : at darshan, other devotees

placed us in the very first row; Swami came right up to us and smiled

and blessed us. We had brought him roses. He touched them and made us

feel so warm and accepted. At that time, we did not realize how much

this meant; only later would we understand the depth of the blessing

Baba had given us.The following year, we journeyed to India

again to have his darshan. I felt loved as I had never been loved

before. When I returned home, someone suggested that I might like to

work with the Bal Vikas children at our center. I volunteered and

quickly found that I loved the work.There was one little boy,

around 5, whom I became particularly fond of. He would often fall

asleep, and he seemed to be more anxious than the rest of the children.

My heart went straight out to this child, and each week, I would

prepare a lesson plan that in some way would reassure this sweet-faced

boy that things were really okay.From the very beginning, I was

happy as a Bal Vikas teacher, and I was eager to share with these

children what I was learning about Sathya Sai Baba, Indian culture, and

all the many treasures we were experiencing here and now in our

awareness of the divine incarnation.In the summer of '81, I was

chosen to attend the first overseas conference for Bal Vikas teachers

at Prashanti Nilayam, I felt uncertain and unqualified because I was

not an accredited teacher. I knew I had to go to represent our center

since we had a very active Bal Vikas program. I was at the ashram for

six or seven days attending classes every day; and Baba came and spoke

with us, or just came to listen. This was an inspiring experience;

everything we were learning and hearing from these educators confirmed

my own views about education for children. To this day, I still value a

small notebook full of notes gathered at this conference.When I

returned from India in September, I picked up my life anew but somehow,

I was different. I had been very sick in India and had received

injections for ten days in order to recover. The doctor who had treated

me was a very learned scholar on Vedanta and he had spent hours talking

to me about God. He later became a devotee of Sathya Sai Baba. I shall

always feel Swami sent him to help me. During the illness, I had a

dream of Mother Kali in which she told me that she must purify me and

this would hurt. At the time, I was too ill to really care if I lived

or died; but now, in looking back, I realize my dream of divine mother

really did have great inner significance.When I returned to

teaching the children, the first time I heard the sloka, "Guru Brahma,

Guru Vishnu," I dissolved in tears. I did not know what was wrong.

Tears would come whenever I looked deeply at a picture of Swami, or

whenever I tried to talk about him.One day, I was writing a

story for the children about a squirrel who lived in my backyard. I

named him Timmy, and I told how he lived from day to day thriving on

food from all the trees in the yard. One day, Timmy lay down and was

very sick. For the first time, Timmy began to see things differently.

When he recovered, he had changed; he now had a deep reverence for all

of life. The story ended with Timmy profoundly affected by his

experience; he had become a peacemaker in the garden community, living

a life of spiritual discipline, and knowing that when he left this

life, he would merge again with a light and love now dimly remembered.Writing

this tale of Timmy's transformation struck a deep chord within me; for

I realized it was my own story, I was different. Baba had somehow

awakened me a little, and I was continuing to change inwardly. None of

this was apparent at first but slowly, slowly, painfully, Baba had

begun to work on me.At this time, I was asked to take over our

Bal Vikas program, and again, I felt I was inadequate to this task. I

was still a worldly person. I only knew that I loved Sathya Sai Baba

and believed sincerely that he was God incarnate. I also loved the

children; so I agreed to take over the program, and this began my real

connection with Swami.At Christmas time, I was still uncertain

about my capacity to serve as leader of our Bal Vikas program. While

singing Christmas carols with the children, suddenly the words became

living truths : "Joy to the world, the Lord has come. Let earth receive

her king." The tears came like a river; I felt these words in the very

depths of my heart. I looked at the picture of Swami on the altar with

his upraised hand, and it was glowing golden; and he clearly said, "Why

are you worried? You have my blessings." Then I could really not stop

crying.The whole day was an amazing day. Nothing was the same

as it used to be. There was a quality of light to everything; it was

not in the physical sense, but something else. I was feeling so much

love, I could not stop crying or talk about what was happening to me. I

just knew that I saw everything with different eyes, and all I could

feel was how beautiful life was; there seemed to be unity at the heart

of all; and we were all joined in love. This revelation lasted all day.

I have never forgotten the events of that day; it was the first time

that I had such an overwhelming direct experience of Swami's living

grace.All this happened back in 1981. Since then, I have had so

much inspiration for our Bal Vikas program; I know it is not me. I

could never come up with so many ideas for lessons, for the experiences

of joy and bliss that continually happen in the program. This is

Swami's grace; and I know all the guidance we are receiving comes

directly from him. There is an atmosphere of love and harmony which

surrounds our Bal Vikas program, and we are all so grateful to Swami.My

life has only one real goal now, and that is to surrender to Swami so I

can experience my own eternal connection with him. Whatever happens to

me, I try to remember, is what God is doing with this body to bring me

to a more perfected state.Since my return from Sathya Sai

Baba's 60th birthday celebration, I am aware that the avatar has

allowed us all to incarnate with him. Before, I used to think, "Oh

Swami, why did I have to wait so long to come to you again?" Now, I

realize he allowed me to be born only four years after his advent; and

he alone knew when my heart would be softened enough to be able to hear

his message of love.I am so grateful I was called to him in this lifetime to experience the healing within my heart through his loving presence.(From : Transformation of the Heart, compiled and edited by Judy Warner)Copyright reserved by Sri Sathya Sai Books and Publications Trust, Prashanti Nilayam Visit : Sai Divine Inspirations : http://saidivineinspirations.blogspot.com/ Sai Messages : http://saimessages.blogspot.com/

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