My journal: a sweet remembrance on a sleepless night

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I had a sleepless night last night. I went to bed as usual, fell asleep, and then woke up at midnight. I haven't woken up like this in the past couple of years. I remember those days in the past when I couldn't sleep, or I'd wake up abruptly and call Ma or Prathima [my sister] to talk to them - anything to avoid being alone with my own thoughts. Those were miserable times, but they were there for me - to listen, to sympathize, to console. I don't know how they didn't get annoyed, but they were very sweet and patient.

 

I don't know what woke me last night, but try as I did, I couldn't fall back asleep, even though there was nothing bothering me at all. Eventually I gave up trying and read a book instead - that usually helps, but not last night. After a while I abandoned the book as well, sat up, closed my eyes and started thinking of Swami. And the thinking turned into pining - I longed, craved, cried for His touch. I imagined He was sitting in front of me in a chair, with His feet in my lap. How I long to massage those lotus petal like feet! I imagined caressing His cheeks, tugging at His earlobes, touching the corner of His smile.

 

I've had a few Padnamaskars of Swami in my life, but I don't remember them now. What I remember is the one time during an interview, He had asked me a question. Mad had prepped me earlier to say "Whatever You want, Swami". But when He asked, "What do you want?" I couldn't, for the life of me, get the pre-practiced words out. All I could get out was - "You Swami", and that too was a whisper. He couldn't (or pretended He couldn't) hear me and came closer and said "Huh?". He was so close that His hair was brushing my face, His eyes piercing into mine. I was so sky high, trembling, that I got even more tongue-tied. I vaguely remember that I repeated the same thing, "You Swami". I don't know what He made of it, but He moved on with the rest of the interview. The whole incident probably lasted a few seconds, but after all these years, I still shiver like a leaf when I think and remember that simple, single moment.

 

I consoled myself last night thinking that even though I'm thousands of miles away from His physical form, He's still so close in my thoughts. How I wish He was mine! And then He would come to me whenever I called for Him. But then I corrected myself - He is not mine, He is everybody's. He is the Lord of the universe! The universe belongs to Him. Everybody belongs to Him. I belong to Him. Now that's a consolation - that I am His, forever.

 

Sai Ram and love,

sai_sravanthi_999