Suing God

[Guest guest]

Interesting tongue in cheek post from a Christian list

 

 

SUING GOD

 

The Association of Trial Lawyers of America today announced that its members

were collectively filing suit against God.

 

The suit names God as a defendant in a class-action brought on behalf of the

human race. Filed in New York District Court, the suit includes the

following allegations:

 

- That God did, knowingly and willfully, create an imperfect world, thus

subjecting the defendants to virtually unlimited pain and suffering.

 

- That, despite incessant complaints and orders to desist from plaintiffs

and their duly authorized representatives, God allowed human suffering to

continue up to the time the suit was filed.

 

Plaintiffs also allege that they have exhausted various potential remedies

prior to filing the suit. Attempted remedies have included, but not been

limited, to:

 

- Worship of multiple Gods, also known as pantheism. Regardless of the Gods

selected, results were inadequate.

 

- Sacrifice of both humans and animals. Fun, but only slight amelioration

of pain and suffering.

 

- Trying to replace God with society, also known as Communism. Despite being

tried in numerous forms by different countries all over the globe, results

were uniformly dismal.

 

- Ignoring God. In its broadest form this included not only the idea of a

deity, but also the idea of any moral standards; any distinction between

right and wrong. Tested most vigorously in New York, LA, and Berlin.

Plaintiffs found this route very profitable, and generally rewarding. Only

resistance came from plaintiffs on verge of death.

 

- Suing each other. Again, fun and profitable, but essentially a zero-sum

game. Once trial lawyers had taken control of most assets the zero-sum

nature of litigation became alarming. In the end they realized that God was

playing divide and conquer.

 

As very few suits have previously been filed on behalf of the entire human

race, a number of technical difficulties have surfaced. First of all, there

was the pronoun question. Having depositioned a number of priests,

ministers, rabbis and other God functionaries, the attorneys concluded that

God was most often referred to with a masculine pronoun. (E.g. In ìhisî

name.) However, in a friend-of-the-court brief, Janet Reno argued strongly

that, regardless of whether God had properly fulfilled its societal

obligations, it would be very wrong to think of God as a male.

 

The lead attorneys debated at length as to whom should adjudicate such an

unusual and precedent setting case; no courts clearly have jurisdiction to

try the Supreme Being. The United Nations was considered, as was the US

Supreme Court. The UN was ruled out on the grounds that so many of its

reigning authorities do not believe that such a thing as God exists, and

frown on the idea of suing a non-existent entity. The US Supreme Court was

approached, but couldnít tolerate the idea that some entity, a God for

instance, might have powers equal to their own.

 

After much debate, the attorneys have agreed to have the case tried before a

special panel of celebrities, the idea being that God is entitled to a jury

of his peers, and, in the age of Oprah, celebrities are as close to deities

as human beings get.

 

Bill Clinton will serve as God's defense counsel. Having gotten away with

every conceivable offense known to man, he thought he might be able to give

God a few tips.

 

Some of the defending attorneyís jury choices:

 

- Basketball star Michael Jordan. Having obtained demi-God status himself,

heís believed to be sympathetic to the problems of Godhood.

 

- Bill Gates and Warren Buffet, included in case God needs to borrow money

from a juror to help with its defense.

 

- Madonna; still a God fan, despite a few deviations from her Catholic

school upbringing. Also hoping to get one of the key parts in the upcoming

major motion picture.

 

- John Travolta, who believes that anyone who could make a comeback from

Saturday Night Fever owes God a big favor.

 

- Richard Branson, entrepreneur and adventurer extraordinaire. Branson says

he doesnít believe in God, but, given his history of narrowly escaping

death, he really should. An eternal optimist unlikely to convict anyone of

anything.

 

- Ted Kennedy. Political history aside, heís keen to be on the good side of

God, what with his brothers all falling by the wayside.

 

Al Gore will serve as prosecuting attorney. Heís rumored to be especially

anxious to question God regarding the six days thing, and whether that rate

of production is connected to environmental degradation.

 

A few of his jury picks:

- Ralph Nader, who knows that God is just the tool of big business.

- Jesse Jackson, upset that his boss sometimes gets better PR than his

humble servant.

- Hillary Clinton, panting to grill God about the unfairness of men being

physically bigger and stronger than women. Also anxious to be on the

opposite of any case in which her husband is involved.

- Shirley Maclean, who, in a previous life, was God. Sheís sure the current

occupant is not as competent.

- Steve Jobs, still fuming over Microsoftís triumph over Apple. Convinced

that if Gates could win, there couldnít possibly be a God. Or at least not a

benevolent one.

- Fidel Castro. Empowered by his ability to maintain his rule over Cuba, he

plans on taunting God.

- Rupert Murdoch. Anxious to put God away before he has to face judgement.

- Barbara Walters. Angry with God for his refusal to be interviewed.

 

The ATLA is seeking unspecified damages on behalf of mankind, including some

special compensation for litigators:

 

- Acknowledgement that lawyers, not the Jewish race, are the chosen people.

- Modification of the free speech clause in the Bill of Rights to exclude

lawyer jokes.

- The exclusion from any jury of anyone who believes OJ is guilty.

- That sympathy ñ especially the mindless, irrational, blubbering kind ñ

replace faith as organized religionís highest value.

- That candidates to public office take the ìNo tort reformî vow.

 

Weíll keep you updated as the case, scheduled to go to trial in September,

progresses. The latest development is that God is seeking to have the case

thrown out, on the grounds that the " New York Times " , the earthís paper of

record, declared him ìdeadî quite some time ago.