Funny -- for the weekend

[Guest guest]

This came through on the internet.

Very funny

 

I hope you enjoy it too.

 

Actual answers to 6th grade history tests.....

 

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.

They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sara is such that the

inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

 

 

2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the

Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their

children, Cain, asked, " Am I my brother's son? "

 

 

3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened

bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mt.

Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

 

 

4. Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

 

 

5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't

have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

 

 

6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that

name.

 

 

7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people

advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After

his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

 

 

8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and

threw the java.

 

 

9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people

Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

 

 

10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The

Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made

king. Dying, he gasped out, " Tee hee Brutus. "

 

 

11. Nero was the cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing

the fiddle to them.

 

 

12. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the

same offense.

 

 

13. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.

 

 

14. In medieval times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of

the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote

literature.

 

 

15. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple

while standing on his son's head.

 

 

16. Queen Elizabeth was the " Virgin Queen. " As a queen she was a success.

When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted " hurrah! "

 

 

17. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries, Gutenberg invented

removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the

circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he

invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised

the world with a 100-foot clipper.

 

 

18. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was

born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money

and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies and

hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example

of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

 

 

19. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote

Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise

Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

 

 

20. During the Renaissance, America began. Christopher Columbus was a

great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic.

His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

 

 

21. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's

Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many died and

many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

 

 

22. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in

their tea. Also the colonists would send their parcels through the post

without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay

for taxis.

 

 

23. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.

Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the

Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two

cats backwards and declared, " A horse divided against itself cannot stand. "

Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

 

 

24. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure

domestic hostility.

 

 

25. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother

died in infancy and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own

hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation

Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater

and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The

believed assassinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor.

This ruined Booth's career.

 

 

26. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire

invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was

invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the

apples are falling off the trees.

 

 

26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large

number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he

kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the

most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German

half Italian and half English. He was very large.

 

 

27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote

loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling

for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

 

 

28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and

catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but

since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.

 

 

29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is

in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest

Queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who

practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

 

 

30. The 19th century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions.

People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The

invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up Cyrus

McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist

who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl

Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.