When You Could Use a Laugh :-)

[Guest guest]

This has got to be a distinctly American humor piece... For those of you

in England and elsewhere,

Wal-Mart is this HUGE " super-store " that has low prices and carries

food, clothes,

home goods, crafts, automotive, electronics, musis and video, well, just

about everything.

Its a place to get dis-oriented and lost in. Yeah, I know I have a

preposition dangling there --

that's just the kind of thing Wal-Mart can do to a former English

major!!! This piece is

funniest for me when I imagine really doing these things at Wal-Mart.

Perhaps I'll try a few

sometime!

 

I have edited out a couple which might not be to some people's taste

(A tad off-color). But in the interest of scholarly accuracy in

preserving

the flavor of Wal-Mart culture and what will undoubtedly become an

internet classic, I can make the full, un-expurgated text available upon

request,

if I am assured that your interest is strictly anthropological and not

prurient. :-)

 

By the way, I don't think I really have to write an apologia for humor,

but I do believe

it to be a healing, wonderful and freeing part of life -- including

spiritual life.

Enjoy!

:-)

 

Have an Extra-Specially Fun Time At Wal-Mart!

 

1. << slightly naughty one deleted !!! >>

 

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals

throughout the day.

 

3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the

restrooms.

 

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, " I

think we've got a Code 3 in housewares, " and see what happens.

 

5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off

and turn the volumes to " 10. "

 

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

 

7. Put M & M's on layaway.

 

8. Move " Caution: Wet Floor " signs to carpeted areas.

 

9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll

only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

 

10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, " Why

won't you people just leave me alone? "

 

11. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror

while you pick your nose.

 

12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale

battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

 

13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

 

14. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the

clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

 

15. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the

restrooms.

 

16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from " Mission

Impossible. "

 

17. Set up a " Valet Parking " sign in front of the store.

 

18. <<< slightly naughty one deleted! >>>

 

19. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say

things like " pick me! pick me!! "

 

20. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the

fetal position and scream, " No, no! It's those voices again! "

 

21. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that

you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in

it.

 

22. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud... " Hey, we're out

of toilet paper in here! "

 

Received from Tim Stirmel.

 

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