Humour for the weekend...

[Guest guest]

Humour for the weekend

 

: )

 

Answering Machine Message at the Mental Health Institute!

 

" Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline... "

 

* If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

 

* If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press

2 for you.

 

* If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

 

* If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what

you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

 

* If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small

voice will tell you which number to press.

 

* If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which

number you press no one will answer.

 

* If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with

the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

 

* If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name,

address, phone number, date of birth, social security

number and your mother's maiden name!

 

* If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you

have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have

short-term memory loss, press 9... ;-)

 

* If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our

operators are too busy to talk to a person like you!!

 

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Quick Wit:

Married men live longer than single man, but married men

are a lot more willing to die.

 

==============

 

Tips for student pilots.

 

1. Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.

 

2. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is dangerous.

 

3. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up

there wishing you were down here.

 

4. The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

 

5. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with

the sky.

 

6. A " good " landing is one from which you can walk away. A " great " landing

is one after which they can use the plane again.

 

7. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make

all of them yourself.

 

8. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about

might be another airplane going in the opposite direction.

 

9. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out

in clouds.

 

10. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no

old, bold pilots.