Use of English : )

[Guest guest]

Weekend Humour for the list.....

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Aboard a flight from L.A. to New York, Grandma Esther was

taking her very first flight.

 

They had only been aloft a few minutes when the elderly

lady complained to the stewardess that her ears were popping.

 

The girl smiled and gave the older woman some chewing gum,

assuring her that many people experienced the same discomfort.

 

When they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the stewardess.

 

" The chewing gum worked fine, " she said, " but tell me,

how do I get it out of my ears?!! "

 

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New Definitions

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FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in Texas theater that

isn't a western!

 

OPTIMIST -- girl who regards a bulge as a curve.

 

COLLEGE: The four-year period when parents are permitted

access to the telephone.

 

EMERGENCY NUMBERS: Police station, fire department and

places that deliver.

 

OPERA: When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead

of bleeding, he sings!

 

BABY-SITTER: A teen-ager who must behave like an adult

so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.

 

TATTOO: Permanent proof of temporary insanity.

 

TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red when

your car approaches.

 

PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen,

and the majority has no idea what's happened.

 

SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it.

 

SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut!

 

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Correct use of English

 

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)

6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10. No sentence fragments.

11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly

superfluous.

14. One should NEVER generalize.

15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

16. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

17. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

18. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

19. The passive voice is to be ignored.

20. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however

should be enclosed in commas.

21. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

22. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

23. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth

earth-shaking ideas.

24. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, " I hate quotations.

Tell me what you know. "

25. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist

hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

26. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

27. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

28. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

29. Who needs rhetorical questions?

30. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

 

And the last one...

 

31. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.